Who is Sue and what is Suelandia?

Sunday, November 21, 2010

All the Sue's down in Sueville...

Hey people.  If you are someone already brimming with holiday good cheer, have never lost your shit and completely spazzed-out over something dumb, or have a huge problem with a little profanity, you should probably just tune-out right now.  For those of you sticking around-- there is an adorable cat picture a little ways down.  :)

Here's the latest pic of my now completely sterile kitchen.  Yes, I now make anyone entering wear these suits so that I never in my life have to clean it this thoroughly again.  (My mom read that post and nearly burst with pride btw.  She even printed it out to show my grandma.  See???  In our family this is not a sign of an impending mental breakdown, but cause for celebration that at long last I've *come around*.)  ~Runs screaming as my mom and grandma chase me flexing their rubber gloved fingers chanting "one of us, one of us..."~

Now that I'm in domestic goddess mode, there is no job too large around the old hacienda.  Why would I just rest on my laurels and be satisfied with merely ~clean~ like any other sane person?  No.  Not me-- remember the office relocation/master bathroom reorganization project?  It bloomed into a full-blown remodel involving a trip to Ikea-- home improvement/redecorating mecca.

The hoards and shuffling masses of people there with us Sat probably have no idea how close they came to making my head actually explode.  Seriously people?  Stop and go traffic?  On foot???  How about standing around in slack-jawed bewilderment OFF TO THE SIDE???  ~sheesh!~

A few hours later we were home with our *new bathroom*, and just had to unbox and assemble it.  It was 2:30, and I saw no reason we couldn't be completely done by 6:00.  Well...

Now our bathroom looks like this, because this *simple project*, turns-out, requires rewiring the light fixtures, moving an outlet, and re-doing some of the plumbing to fit right with the new sink etc.  Oh, and now fixing the wall we messed-up too, which we might as well tile while we're at it. 

 I'm giving us until this time next week to finish the project now.  --What?

If it seems like I was a little irritable in Ikea, it's probably because I was still recovering from my first melt-down of the holiday season.    I hate this time of year people.  I've always had an irrational aversion to family gatherings, and our family also has a couple birthdays thrown into the mix this time of year, plus Dan's mom has *alternate* holidays, meaning there is no missing one or possibly squeezing 2 into one day for a 2-fer.  It means DUPLICATE holidays.  For every single holiday.  ~boo~

Seeing my calendar choked with dumb holiday stuff causes me to feel a lot of anxiety, like those spies on t.v. in the 70's who'd find themselves in a little room with the walls beginning to close in.  The gross consumerism "black friday" etc aspect of it all makes me just want to barf, and the other religious part of it just reads as piety to me.  I don't get into it.  This makes people look at me like this--
World to Sue-- "You are doing it wrong!"  "But don't you think this??? And don't you think that???"  No.  I do not.  What I do is stress out and throw a big raging fit about it.

So I was folding towels the other night, (because I am officially becoming my mother)  (Sure mom, you're pleased about this now maybe (if the warning at the beginning didn't deter you that is), but just keep reading.  heh heh heh)-- anyway, I was folding towels and ranting about all the *stupid fucking holiday stuff* I'd have to do, and getting more and more worked up about it all, all the dumb ads on t.v., all the pressure to create some fake, sappy, holidayishness.

Dan was sitting on the sofa dutifully nodding, his eyes flicking from the t.v. to me every once in a while, as I strangled towels in what had become a death grip.  I can't even remember what I was really talking about because my anger wasn't focused on any one thing really, just ~*THE HOLIDAYS*~ approaching like a giant asteroid.

I wound-up taking off my pants because I'd gotten too hot, and stomped around the house yelling stuff like, "That's right Elk River-- they're purple-- DEAL WITH IT!" and a bunch of eff-bombs were dropped in every possible iteration-- --ing,  --ingly,  --ity, --wad,  --bag,  --tarded, etc etc. 

Eventually I blew myself-out, and Dan calmed me down by smashing me a little.  We go together like traffic and weather.  Guess who's weather. 

(Another sign of my probable craziness is that I've always found it really calming for him to press his hand right into the center of my chest.  Something about the compression is very soothing.)  And we talked, and he wisely told me to-- hello??? eliminate a couple things form my schedule.  And I did-- and hey-- the world didn't explode.

Okay-- Ray doesn't really have much to do with this story, but kitties really calm me down too.  See how cute???

 I did feel like a giant weight had been lifted from me, but I was only half-way there because the next day I'd have to go fill my mom in on all this and get my annual lecture/inquisition about my un-holidayishness and how wrong and bad and anti-social and atheist it is of me.  (Incidentally-- no. I'm not an atheist.) 

To her credit, this was the first year ever mom didn't do any of this.  I told her about the losing my shit and pantsless ranting and rampant swearing and she actually thought it was pretty funny and said, "Wow-- you ARE officially becoming me."

Then she just made me my favorite meal in the whole world-- cheese souffle, and did not lecture me at all except to advise me that I really shouldn't share all my misanthropic views on this here blog because I'd offend everyone in the whole world essentially.  (Isn't she cute?)

I told her I really wasn't that worried about offending the sensibilities of people with mainstream views about all this holiday stuff-- they have their socially accepted positions and the validation of the masses to fall back on.  I felt like, if anyone out there feels more like me-- and i know I'm in the minority-- that it might help them to know they aren't totally alone-- and more importantly-- aren't ~horrible, bad, or crazy~.  (Is this thing fricking awesome or what?  ~drool~)

My goal, this holiday season, is going to be to be *real* first and foremost.  If I feel like baking-- great.  If I am moved to give a gift-- super.  If I decide decorating a little seems fun-- okay.  (~Mmmmmm~)

But I am not going to do anything purely out of obligation, and am not going to drive myself crazy trying to *be how I'm supposed to*.  (Not that I ever have really-- but this year I'm not going to stress about it anymore.)  Deal with it America!  ~Defiantly shakes fist, in her underwear.~


Linda G. said...

I think that's a very healthy attitude you've developed there, Sue. More power to you! :)

Amy said...

The holidays always stress me out, even when I've got little more to do than make a dish or two and buy some presents. Every year me and the Mr. somehow end up racing to some awful big box mall on the 23rd for last minute gifts, and have a major fight in the car on the way there... and every year we point out to one another, while snarling about whatever random thing has incited our ire this time, that we do this every year.

Someday I'm going to book tickets on November 23rd for Aruba, and not come back until January 4th.

pseudosu said...

Linda G-
Got to fight the power you know. ;)

I relate, and that's exactly the kind of crap I intend to avoid this year. Your idea sounds great! That or build a time-machine and set for Jan...

irishk said...

First things first, that cheese souffle looks amazing! Your kitty is so adorable, I can actually 'feel' her as I look at her peacefully sleeping:-) I so respect your stance on the holidays and your frustration with the pervasiveness of the ever-present in-your-face commercialism and forced jolliness of the season. It is like trying to escape the Michelle Bachman mindset while living in the 6th district ~ it can't be done! Maybe it's like being the only sober person at a party and seeing with clarity the foolishness of the false mirth. The game always looks different with a 'removed' perspective. Go Sue ~ be true to who you are. That is what we love about you:-) Kathleen

b_elliott said...

Uhg. You are NOT alone.

Maery Rose said...

I actually like decorating the Christmas tree, baking cookies, getting together with people, and Christmas music (for about the first day anyway). It's the Christmas presents that I can't stand. I hate shopping anyway and gift giving seems to have gotten so much more complicated. When people want or need something, they just buy it. If they don't buy it, it's because it's too frickin' expensive for them to buy, i.e. a cabin in the woods or a yacht, and guess what? I can't afford to buy it for them either. So you end up buying stupid things that they try to look excited about but you know they are going to return. So here you've wasted endless hours in stupid shopping malls, getting all crazy and exhausted and broke, for nothing. I say anything we buy for ourselves in November and December (except for perishable food) we wrap it and put it under the tree and call it good.

Rich said...

Okay, first of all I just have to repeat this because I am still laughing. Damn near ROFLMAO.

I wound-up taking off my pants because I'd gotten too hot, and stomped around the house yelling stuff like, "That's right Elk River-- they're purple-- DEAL WITH IT!" and a bunch of eff-bombs were dropped in every possible iteration-- --ing, --ingly, --ity, --wad, --bag, --tarded, etc etc.

F-tarded?!? I'm adding that one to the spell checker on my computer, and quite possibly using that entire paragraph as my signature on the forums.

I'm not anti-holidays, but I am anti-"you have to do this stuff because society says you should". Why can't I buy a gift or a card when I want to? Why do I have to do it when everyone else says I should? To me, it's not genuine at that point. You are only doing it because you have to. Sure, maybe you do want to because you've been reminded by all the hype, but a person shouldn't be obligated to do stuff like that. I guess I have a little of the "gotta fight the man" in me too. That and it's a real challenge to please all the relatives. They ALL expect you to spend a day at their house. A half-dozen houses in 2 or 3 days is unreasonable to me, but that's what we have to squeeze in every year.

Here's a little tip for everyone at Ikea when it's crowded. Yell, "On your left!" and then move forward with your elbows out in an aggressive riding position. Either that or just keep asking, "Who farted?"

pseudosu said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
pseudosu said...

Ray is a boy kitty, but yes-- they have calming properties for sure. Thanks for liking me the way I am. I can't seem to help it. :)

Beth- Knew you'd feel me. :)

Maery- You are so right about gifts!! Hello-- If I really wanted cashmere footy pajamas or a diamond encrusted cell iPod-- I'd save up for a few years and buy those items, but i don't. And cheap crap I can afford, and want-- I go pick up for myself-- and so does everyone else!!!

What do you know- there is a thing or two I can teach YOU for a change. Yes, F-tard/ed is one of the funniest (imo) but also harshest curses out there, so needs to be used sparingly as the *big gun* it is. You don't want to bust-out, "Nice one, F-tard," on just any old shmoe. Also, "Now he's all F-tarded," etc is especially apt for a guy with a brand new girlfriend. ;

pseudosu said...

The deleted comment was just the typo-filled version of the comment above. I just couldn't leave it-- too horrible.

pseudosu said...

Oh-- just have to add I once knew a girl who devised the perfect method for parting crowds at concerts/bars etc. She'd have her boyfriend toss her over his shoulder in a fireman's carry and yell-- "Coming through! Watch your shoes-- she's puking!"