Hey people. Just checking in. I feel like I don't have much to say, but everything is going fine. I had a conversation with my mom on our Mother's Day outing about celebrations (I've never been very big on them). She said, "Well, on your birthday, you should take a whole day and just do whatever you want," and smiled, like-- "Wouldn't that be wonderful?"
All I could do was smile back and say, "But that's pretty much every day for me." I know-- I know, I know. I can hear you all collectively barfing, but seriously-- I have such an awesome life, and I'm thankful every single day. It's not like I'm super rich or anything, but I'm happy, and feel in charge of my time pretty much.
Is everything perfect? Of course not. Don't I have to work etc? Sure, but I love the work I do. Do I go around 24 hours a day being all blissed-out? No, I'm not that evolved I guess. I still get in bad moods, and feel insecure and lonely sometimes, but on the whole I'm very happy, and know how good I have it. I guess I see myself as someone happy with a good life, and bad moods and glitches are the anomalies, instead of going, "Well, that figures," every time something isn't perfect.
About all that's going on right now is trying to catch-up on assigned artwork (commissions etc) so I can get busy on new pieces. Oh-- and I'm starting online digital art classes. I'm a bit freaked-out about this. It's exciting to think about what I'll be able to do with this once I learn, but there is that niggling thought in the back of my head-- what if I suck? It is very scary, but I'm trying to just walk through the fear part of it step by step. I was never good a "regular school". This accounts for a lot of my anxiety about this.
The only things I were good at were independent study classes, or things I choose to work on unassigned-- like classes I wasn't signed up for but attended anyway, (skipping the class I was supposed to be in-- not caring about a *grade*) (I know, I wasn't cut out for normal school) or writing contests etc.
I don't think I'm stupid, but think I had some learning disabilities that never got fully addressed because of changing schools every year. Anyway--- one foot in front of the other is my mode right now.
Ironically, I'm revisiting another "out of the box" mode from my past this month. Once upon a time, I felt one way for me to break out of an isolating pattern I'd gotten into was to begin teaching aqua aerobics at the local gym. Yep-- me, who always sucked at gym, and hated public speaking with near phobic intensity, and always felt I was "fat" and rather "hideous" & HATED to be seen in a swim suit, decided it would be "good for me" to jump around in front of a bunch of strangers doing jumping jacks with basically no clothes on.
I opted for a suit with legs, thinking it would be more modest for all the jumping around and look *sporty*, but as you can see from these pics from the 20's (which are exactly like the suit I picked out for myself, fashion icon that I am), these suits weirdly manage to make you look ever MORE naked somehow.
Now somehow I've found myself organizing this big mountain biking event for women, designed to get more chicks out on the trail. It was my idea, but it's still somewhat surprising to me it's really happening. Suddenly there are over 30 women signed-up, a bike shop is bringing tons of demo bikes, and a bunch of my trail-working buddies are volunteering to be bike techs and check over the attendees bikes etc, donating their own time & expertise.
Not only that, but it's looking pretty likely I'll wind-up doing at least some of the instructing. This brings back some of the same old insecurities I had to overcome before--- negative self-talk, but it's also bringing back some of the positive things from that experience too. I like organizing things, and being supportive of other people, and sharing knowledge of something I enjoy. I really enjoy coming up with an idea and turning it into something successful in the actual world. That is the coolest process ever. Should be interesting.
Guess I had more to say than I thought. :)