Who is Sue and what is Suelandia?

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Marching orders

Hey people.  This will be ~one of those~ posts.  I feel like I'm on the brink of changes (again).  I feel like I'm suddenly looking around and realizing a lot of changes have already taken place.  At times I feel capable of anything, and other times just... depleted.  (Hmm.  This does not sound exactly new come to think of it.) 

Practically, I have a ton of work to get done in the next two months.  What I have to do is just keep marching forward, and really, this is probably the best thing for me anyway-- to become too busy to get mired in self-doubt.

Here's a shot of my new running shoes.  Aren't they pretty???  They didn't stay this pristine, but that's okay.

I kind of wanted them to stay nice for a while, but a week of rain fixed that.  I had to get out and run, even if it meant getting wet.  So, they don't look quite like the perky bright shoes I brought home not long ago, but they've had a few adventures.

I've had a few myself.  This is the latest mountain biking injury.  I got my ankle squashed between Penny and a stump.  It was a *no-speed* incident.  I just didn't make a climb, but fell over the wrong way and couldn't get my un-trapped foot down until the damage was done.  This  pic doesn't really show it that well, but what looks kind of like self-tanner or whatever is really a HUGE bruise.  Plus, although I don't have little bony show horse ankles, you can usually at least make-out that there is a joint there.  It's all swollen.  I haven't been able to ride for a couple days now, but can walk fine.  No running either for a few days tho.

I've been thinking about the definition of *Sue*.  Things are changing.  Pictures of me take me by surprise-- I don't feel that old.  People ahead of me have told me this happens more and more as you age--- that you even are surprised by your own reflection in windows at times.  Someone else said they fear, not getting older really, but being dismissed.  No one wants to be brushed aside as someone who is no longer *cool*, or has anything interesting to contribute just because they've gotten X amount of years under their belt.  But I think this happens, more with women than men.

Someone else I know talked about defining moments recently.  This has been on my mind a lot.  I've lost a couple things over the last year that were sort of main ingredients for a while-- my writing, and that raging flame of wildness that was burning almost out of control for a couple years.

The writing was very strange to lose.  I became so immersed in it.  I spent every waking moment thinking about it when not doing it.  When I ran through the woods I had a story playing in my head.  When I was with others I had a hard time concentrating because my thoughts would drift to my story.  I felt like at my core, a writer was really what I WAS.  Then I needed a break.

And now I feel I've lost it.  I haven't forgotten how.  I could still string words together in nice ways, even, perhaps, interesting ways.  But to tell stories effectively, they need a visceral component to them-- high stakes, and now I don't feel I have anything to say that has that behind it.  I've lost the feeling of urgency towards life & death situations.  Now I'm complacent on that.  I don't feel anything is really that pressing.  We're all going to die.  It's just a matter of how and when, and that's fine.  It's all going to be okay people.

Life is a life & death situation, and it's all going to be fine.  :)  Hysterics over that is just unnecessary drama.  See?  Hard to write a story without drama.

The wild feeling, what I called the spinning clockwork, because I felt like there were gears spinning out of control in my chest, like I was about to jump out of my skin and there was NO WAY my body could possibly contain the amount of energy that needed to be vented off--- has subsided.  I know what it was, knew it while it was happening too, but that didn't make it any less real.

I felt the exact same way when I was a teen, and to a less extent in my early 20's.  I'm blaming hormones.  I've heard they mess with you big time in your forties.  While the wild feeling was in me, it felt sort of self-destructive because you know that level of near-mania isn't sustainable or normal, but at the same time you really don't want it to end.  It's isolating, but you still nurture it because it feels like your own personal wild animal inside you have to feed and protect.

Now it's gone, and while I recognize it's way healthier to not need to listen to metal all the time, like, in the shower too, and not to feel like you want to go run through the woods in the middle of the night or like your chest is about to split open... part of you has departed.  I recognize it's healthier to feel relaxed, and to have that knowing inside that everything-- like BIG everything, is fine.  But part of me misses the wild animal.  I don't want it back, because it was never satisfied, and feeling restless all the time was exhausting, but--- who am i now?  Am I boring now?

I have big ambitions to start a new business, but they are on hold because of work.  I need to create a show for Sept, and it needs to be 3-D.  I feel like working 2-D.  But being forced may be really good for me right now.  I'm going to just keep marching-- get busy.

Oh-- and later today I'm totally kayaking in my bikini-- so suck on that old age.


irishk said...

Somehow when we say we've changed or we look back and realize we are different, it is tempting to assign a negative or positive feeling to the 'movement' but I think we should resist that temptation. If we are alive, we are changing and evolving and hopefully that is a good thing and ultimately in a positive direction, but it is often 2 steps forward and one step back as we pick away at any wisdom that comes our way. I too, try to hold on to the good stuff and I feel sad when I realize that something of my younger years that I once valued, is no longer part of who I am. Maybe I needed to shed something to make room for something more suited to my life as it is now. I continue to believe that a life unexamined is not worth living, so I spend time pondering what it all means and trying to stay cognizant of my present self. Occasionally we have to reintroduce ourselves to ourselves. The shifts can be so gradual we barely know they are happening until we stop and look back to an earlier time and see how far we've traveled. Rest assured, you are not boring. You will always have a home for that 'wild feeling' even if it doesn't come out as often as it once did, it is still a part of you ~ safe where it belongs until you need it again:-)

Maery Rose said...

Boring?! Are you kidding me?!

I still have that wild animal, boiling over. got to get out of here feeling quite often. But I'm getting better at handling it. Getting better at saying, yeah THAT was bad, but not EVERYTHING is bad. Or vise versa, as I can have such huge ups and downs that I have to take deep breathes to not get carried away with the mania side of life.

I am beginning to see that I have some talent. I don't know what I'm going to do with it but it's not to start to recognize who I am at the core, which really doesn't change even if the outer visual does.

So basically, you are always the same Sue that we love no matter how old you are or which direction you go with your life.

pseudosu said...

K & M--
It's so funny how people either completely get this (the wild thing), or they have no idea what I'm talking about and chalk it up to being a little off, or possibly *the artist thing*. I think the people who get it wind-up being my closer friends, like we're kind of the same species or something. Maybe the wild animal is still in there. Maybe it's just taking a nap. :) Thanks for accepting whatever version of me shows up.