Yeah, okay. I guess when I'd rather face actual danger than non-poisonous snakes, okay, maybe it's a little irrational. (But ~gah!~ they're so. gross.)
Why the sudden obsession? Well, there's been a little incident. You know the trail I run and ride at? The one that is a beautiful wooded wonderland and 100% snake-free just like Maui?--- Last week when I was running I encountered something very like this---
Sure this one was just a tiny baby. But babies mean just one thing when it comes to snakes people--- somewhere nearby, about a million effing snakes were totally getting it on in my woods! No. Way. That's just not right. They actually pile all over each other and writhe around having giant disgusting squiggley orgies called ~mating balls~. (This is just one fact I learned from all my research this week. When there is a threat-- collect as much info as possible-- keep track of the threat-- eliminate the threat.)
Where is a fricking asteroid when you need one??!
Sure, those are garter snakes, and most people apparently aren't very freaked out by those (seriously? -- What is wrong with people? Gah!) Look at the one below--- God, just seeing how whippy and... words just flipped through my mind-- demented, fast, psychotic... I know, you probably think a couple of these words don't apply to garter snakes.
Here's the thing though-- that baby one I saw? Not a garter. It was brown. It was one of these guys. A bull snake.
THEN (as if this sighting wasn't alarming enough!) During trail work last weekend, someone unearthed a pile of eggs in the dirt pile we were digging in. The guy thought they were turtle eggs at first, so nicely and carefully moved them aside, sort of making a relocation nest for them. But then we got to talking. Turtles, live by water. These eggs were sort of rubbery. What else lays eggs in the dirt?
SNAKES! THAT'S WHAT FREAKING ELSE!
I went into full-blown freaking out mode. I was trying to play it cool (Yes, those of you who were there. That was me trying to play it cool.) I was like, "They have to be destroyed. Right now." Everyone just looked at me, like, "Yeah right." They were all hot and tired from working. But this was a ~crisis!~
They all just ignored me, eating watermelon and drinking beers and talking about this and that while I sat there and began obsessing about the snake eggs. They were over there--- right then--- developing. I kept bringing it up. I couldn't seem to say one sentence without the eff-bomb in it. In the end they all ignored me and I left, trying to figure out how I was going to eliminate this threat. Because there was NO QUESTION. It was going to be eliminated.
All week I stewed about it. I researched snakes and snake eggs online. I woke up in the middle of the night thinking about them. Dan found me staring into space more than once with a horrified expression. "You're thinking about them again aren't you?" "Yes!" ~googly eyes of fright~
I brought them up to Pam enough times that she offered to go over and smash them all for me. Have I mentioned Pam is also super strong and I'm sure would carry me to safety if I ever needed her to?
I even asked Cool Trail Boss Rich's wife, Mrs. Zilla to intervene on my behalf and bug the crap out of her husband to get rid of these stupid eggs for me. As the week went on and my obsession grew, I found myself even getting mad my trail work pals hadn't just gone over there and stomped them all into oblivion when we were all there. It was like yelling, "Help-- I'm on fire!" and having everyone just glance over and resume drinking (to me).
After a whole week of spazzing-out about them, the boss was finally pestered enough that he got rid of them. Sort of. When I asked to see-- expecting to be shown a pile of smashed eggs, I was instead shown the empty nest. He'd tossed the eggs into the woods. (Shades of Snow White and the woodsman no?)
This was of course not good enough. So now, there are eggs all over the woods, instead of in a neat pile? Smashed? ~destruction fail~ To appease me he went and collected the few he could find, claiming they were all accounted for, and proceeded to nail them to the tops of the fence posts, as a warning to any future, wandering snakes.
One actually spewed snake egg juice on him. ~Gag~
So what are you guys afraid of for very good, perfectly sound and understandable reasons?