Who is Sue and what is Suelandia?

Sunday, July 10, 2011

There is no good reason for snakes to exist

And that is all.  Hey people.  I hesitate to call my aversion to snakes a phobia, because it makes perfect sense to me--- I mean, c'mon people!-- They're DISGUSTING!  But I guess technically, when I think of all the things I'd rather face than a room full of snakes, even *harmless* ones, there is basically nothing I can eliminate.  A crazed gunman?  Check.  (He's crazy-- how good could his aim really be?)  Fire?-- No problem.  (I'd run super fast and put my jacket over my head.)

Yeah, okay.  I guess when I'd rather face actual danger than non-poisonous snakes, okay, maybe it's a little irrational.  (But ~gah!~  they're so. gross.)

Why the sudden obsession?  Well, there's been a little incident.  You know the trail I run and ride at?  The one that is a beautiful wooded wonderland and 100% snake-free just like Maui?--- Last week when I was running I encountered something very like this---


That's right people--- it's a baby, freaking, snake.  I forced myself to pick it up with a stick and fling it into the woods, so I'd know ~where it was.~  (They pretty much stay where you put them right?)

Sure this one was just a tiny baby.  But babies mean just one thing when it comes to snakes people--- somewhere nearby, about a million effing snakes were totally getting it on in my woods!  No.  Way.  That's just not right.  They actually pile all over each other and writhe around having giant disgusting squiggley orgies called ~mating balls~.  (This is just one fact I learned from all my research this week.  When there is a threat-- collect as much info as possible-- keep track of the threat-- eliminate the threat.) 

Where is a fricking asteroid when you need one??!


Sure, those are garter snakes, and most people apparently aren't very freaked out by those (seriously?  -- What is wrong with people?  Gah!)  Look at the one below--- God, just seeing how whippy and...  words just flipped through my mind-- demented, fast, psychotic...  I know, you probably think a couple of these words don't apply to garter snakes.

Seriously, if one ever managed to slither up my leg you may as well write my obit.  The story would end, "And then Sue just went completely insane and had to spend the rest of her life institutionalized, being fed through a tube, not unlike the very snakes which drove her MAD."

Here's the thing though-- that baby one I saw?  Not a garter.  It was brown.  It was one of these guys.  A bull snake. 

I saw one of these about 6 feet long and 4 inches thick once-- while running with Trusty Pam (miles away, in the town I used to live in-- where they allow snakes).  Pam of course was non-plussed and said, "Oh big deal, just jog past it."  Seriously?--- she practically had to give me a piggy back ride back to the car.

THEN (as if this sighting wasn't alarming enough!)  During trail work last weekend, someone unearthed a pile of eggs in the dirt pile we were digging in.  The guy thought they were turtle eggs at first, so nicely and carefully moved them aside, sort of making a relocation nest for them.  But then we got to talking.  Turtles, live by water.  These eggs were sort of rubbery.  What else lays eggs in the dirt?

SNAKES!  THAT'S WHAT FREAKING ELSE!

I went into full-blown freaking out mode.  I was trying to play it cool (Yes, those of you who were there.  That was me trying to play it cool.)  I was like, "They have to be destroyed.  Right now."  Everyone just looked at me, like, "Yeah right."  They were all hot and tired from working.  But this was a ~crisis!~

They all just ignored me, eating watermelon and drinking beers and talking about this and that while I sat there and began obsessing about the snake eggs.  They were over there--- right then--- developing.  I kept bringing it up.  I couldn't seem to say one sentence without the eff-bomb in it.  In the end they all ignored me and I left, trying to figure out how I was going to eliminate this threat.  Because there was NO QUESTION.  It was going to be eliminated.

All week I stewed about it.  I researched snakes and snake eggs online.  I woke up in the middle of the night thinking about them.  Dan found me staring into space more than once with a horrified expression.  "You're thinking about them again aren't you?"  "Yes!"  ~googly eyes of fright~

I brought them up to Pam enough times that she offered to go over and smash them all for me.  Have I mentioned Pam is also super strong and I'm sure would carry me to safety if I ever needed her to?

I even asked Cool Trail Boss Rich's wife, Mrs. Zilla to intervene on my behalf and bug the crap out of her husband to get rid of these stupid eggs for me.  As the week went on and my obsession grew,  I found myself even getting mad my trail work pals hadn't just gone over there and stomped them all into oblivion when we were all there. It was like yelling, "Help-- I'm on fire!" and having everyone just glance over and resume drinking (to me).

After a whole week of spazzing-out about them, the boss was finally pestered enough that he got rid of them.  Sort of.  When I asked to see-- expecting to be shown a pile of smashed eggs, I was instead shown the empty nest.  He'd tossed the eggs into the woods.  (Shades of Snow White and the woodsman no?) 

This was of course not good enough.  So now, there are eggs all over the woods, instead of in a neat pile?  Smashed?  ~destruction fail~  To appease me he went and collected the few he could find, claiming they were all accounted for, and proceeded to nail them to the tops of the fence posts, as a warning to any future, wandering snakes. 

One actually spewed snake egg juice on him.  ~Gag~

I guess this is all that can be done about this situation for now.  Those of you who want to pipe-up and tell me how beneficial snakes are etc etc, save it.  I don't care that they eat mice etc etc.  They are GROSS.  And possibly cause insanity.

So what are you guys afraid of for very good, perfectly sound and understandable reasons?

13 comments:

Heidi the Hick said...

Rodents, Sue.

Put em all in a glass box with the snakes then gas the snakes. That'll make us both happy.

Eeeuuuuuurrrgggfhhhhhhhjhhh.

irishk said...

Grasshoppers. Their behavior is completely unpredictable and spasmodic. Their feet are sticky so when they land on you, they actually 'stick' and have to be kind of handled to get them off. They even fly for short distances, so they can get up by your face and caught in your hair. Some are very large and kind of make a noise when they land on your skin. At least snakes stay on the ground where they belong and pretty much go forward. The dreaded grasshopper goes in every direction possible, without thought and certainly without reason. One landed on me when I was driving and I jumped out of the car and started screaming and flailing about. It was so not pretty. Of course, there is nothing irrational about my fear, but it is kinda the same as yours:-) Moths run a close second ~ yuk! So sorry about your incident. Nailing those eggs to the post looks just terrible. He's such a boy! :-) Kathleen

linda thiltgen said...

I too HATETHESNAKES! creepy, slithery..yuck, yuck, yuck. I spotted one in my garden last week and it did me in! My husband almost killed me some years ago after chasing me with a garter snake. Needless to say he will NEVER do that again and realized in no uncertain terms that IHATESNAKES! (that was the same day that a rat was trapped in our window well. A very traumatic day) I hate rats, too. :? ~shudder ~shudder

Maery Rose said...

Sorry to laugh at your expense but I had quite a few visuals going of your panic. I, on the other hand, brake for snakes and get super happy-excited when I spot one. Photo opportunity! Now, if it was poisonous or a boa constrictor, I'd just as soon keep my distance. It's centipedes that gross me out. So many legs is just not natural and they are so sneaky, disappearing quickly before you can (gag!) squish them.

What's with the word verification "rasogras"? I'm afraid of whatever that is too!

Jill said...

I had about 100 snakes in my apartment once. One of those mating balls, I guess. Ring neck snakes. I also had one crawl over my shoulder one night while sleeping. We had to take a fish net to scoop them off of the floor. Needless to say...I moved out of that apartment. This was way back when I was a college student. I pretty much still have nightmares about it. Not something I want to see again...at least in my house.

Maery Rose said...

Jill, I can definitely see how that would lead to a phobia! Yikes!

pseudosu said...

Heidi--
So you love mieces in pieces huh? I'm actually pretty sure mice have organized a religion based on my miraculous rescues of them over the years. ;)

Kathleen--
Oh god, if snakes could take flight and also cling on I'd just have to end it all. I have done the stopping the car and fleeing thing with a bee before...

Linda--
Your hubs would be my ex-hubs if he ever pulled that on me. Possibly even my *dear departed* hubs, or at the very least my *now celibate* hubs.

Maery Rose--
I also hate centipedes. They're sort of the opposite as snakes with all those legs, but still completely alien-like and creepy. I saw one in an apartment once and never relaxed in that place again!

Jill--
OMG-- I'd be in the nut-house if I were you! Good god! ~shudder~ I really can't even fathom-- SO horrifying!!!!

Lynn Fisher said...

You're right...the bull snakes are gross...but when they are little enough, the hawks, owls, and every other broad wing bird eats them. Feel any better?

Lynn Fisher said...

Oh, never mind.

katie said...

Being in Sue's shadow, I was also super-fearful of snakes. When I was teaching kinder, a volunteer came in with something to show the class - a snake! I couldn't do the "OMG it's a snake" dance, so I ended up sucking up and holding it as we all passed it around in a little kindergarten circle. I'm still freaked out by them, but also curious. I guess I'm like Dad and Water, Sue!

pseudosu said...

This from the girl who chased me with a garter snake once???

Marie said...

I agree! Snakes ARE diasgusting, screw those that thing they don't!

Anonymous said...

I cannot disagree with you much more, as i could point out, what is the point in humans existing? animals and snakes were here BEFORE us and all that happens is that they are being hunted and their homes ruined, i own a few snakes and the fact that you nailed a snake egg on a fence post is horrible. id like to see you try get your hands on a Green Anaconda egg, lets see how that goes.