Hey people. I've had a hard time gearing-up to post anything lately because I just don't feel I have much interesting to say. I guess more accurately, I feel too blurred to put together a very coherent post. I feel scattered and undefined and sort of like I'm running down a hill-- too tired to stop myself. But, what the heck-- here goes---
One thing that has been taking massive amounts of time and physical energy lately is the trail. This is one of my trail-work shirts after a day of pulling buckthorn. I have never been as hot and dirty and sweaty in my life as I have in the last month.
This is where it gets more complicated. My commitment to the trail gets all tangled up in the friendships I've formed with the rest of the crew, and a strong desire to keep a hand in and *know what's going on*-- sort of a control thing I guess, how I approach things I worry about--- get as much info as possible, and even my own ego--- how I think of myself--- as someone who works super hard, and has something worthwhile to contribute. My ego is now wrapped-up in wanting our trail, and the races held there, to be one (or more, more would be good too!) notch above other trails/parks.
Most people around me, who are not on the crew, don't really get this--- why I'm so willing to go so hard at this. Sometimes they'll say, "That's really nice of you, to volunteer so much..." and there's this silent, "I guess..." at the end. And the trail work doesn't feel as altruistic as the word "volunteer" implies. I def do it for me. It's kind of weird, because sometimes that makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong or is another sign of how weird I am or something-- like I shouldn't care so much about it. But I do.
The other thing I write about a lot is riding so here's an update on that--- I've back-slid a bit. I was feeling pretty good about my skills and fitness level about a month ago, but then we got a slew of monster storms, and a heat wave that has made it feel like we are all residing in Satan's underpants.
Last night I rode with Trusty Pam, who has become a bit disenchanted with our now much more difficult trail. It was fun spending time with her. She's found a bunch of roadies to ride with some days a week now and I'm happy for her on that score. I think my little personal skills clinics at my trail will be sort of solitary for a while. That's fine, but has always made me jealous of the guys and their tribe.
Tonight we hit a faster, easier trail closer to her work that she's come to enjoy more than Hillside. I like it too for a non-technical zoomy ride. It's riding your bike in the woods, and a good confidence builder. I like it to ride for fun. I just know when I ride there I'm not improving my skills at all. This is just something I'll have to put in different boxes. Riding with my friend, for fun, is as important to me as improving, if not more so. (But there is a big part of me that still has ambitions of awesomeness.)
I really like aspects of all 3 of these so far though, and making them has taught me new things, that I'll use in future sculptures.
The story I'm listening to now is about a writer, and talks about the dual realities writers inhabit-- the real world, and the one of their own creation. I remember that so vividly. When I think of it now, how invested I was, the level of commitment I felt to my characters and the world I wrote them into, it seems unbalanced, bordering on crazy.
And at the same time, like something I could def see myself going back to at some point. It was a total creative rush. I remember thinking and saying if I didn't get published my life would amount to a big zero. Now I just don't give it the same weight. Is it a cop-out? Am I a failure on some level? I don't know. All I know is most people I know haven't written 2 1/2 novels, even unpublishable ones.
For now my plate is FULL of visual art commitments-- commissions waiting, shows I'm preparing for, and pet projects I have no idea when I'll have time to begin, and that doesn't even cover *new idea*, which although is currently on the back burner, I remain very committed to.
Wow, can this be longer? And I thought I had nothing to say. Hmm.