Who is Sue and what is Suelandia?

Friday, September 9, 2011

Stuffffffffff

Hey people.  This is going to be one of those posts.  There is a ton going on, leading me to conclusions and things I'm learning.  I'm trying to do that-- learn, & adapt as I go.

Here's a shot of a new plant we stuck in this year that finally bloomed.  It's kind of out of the box for me, but Dan liked it and I have to say it's pretty cool looking-- almost impossibly bright.  I love how nature puts colors together.  I'd never have put eggplant with orange and red, but there ya go.  Stunning.  Good lesson-- stay open.

Here's a pretty accurate one of me right now--- the little tag hanging down says "take risks".  The stones in the wrap bracelet are called "adventurine", which sounds adventurOUS.  The clock is ticking always.  How are you going to spend your time?  I'm married (the rings), and kind of old.  My hands, like other parts, might look kind of gnarly, but are good and strong and mostly work okay.  All in all-- not doing too bad.  But all that is a choice for me, since I have no disease or disability.  How I choose to see things, and how I choose to live-- aware and alive and committed.

Committed.  It's very strange, given my personality, and I feel lucky that the universe plunked Dan down in front of me and I caught on that this was the right thing for me.  I'm *all in*, come hell or high water.  And as you can see by my googley eyes of love it's genuine.

 This will make him mad, ~oversharing~, but it's pertinent and been on my mind.  Not long ago we had a HUGE fight, probably one of the biggest of our whole marriage.  Now that it's resolved it all seems really small and dumb, but at the time it seemed colossal, like, I knew we'd stay married, because that is the deal, but I honestly didn't know how we'd fix things.  So much had been said, out loud.

I remember thinking, "Now I guess we'll become one of those couples, who have a marriage held together by grim determination," and it made me so sad, because of the impending loneliness.  Because when you are married there is a specific place in your life reserved for that one person, and if there gets to be an empty space there, for whatever reason, and you are still married, (as I always will be), it is inappropriate to try to fill that spot with anything or anyone else.  It stays empty until that person comes back to occupy it.  That leaves a rather noticeable, ragged hole in your life.

Lucky for us, we figured everything out in about a day, and went back to being ourselves, maybe a little more appreciative even, than we were before the fight.  All this is hard, and not always fun, but it's what we signed-up for.  I can look at him and project into the far future-- one of us will die in the other's presence probably.  One of us may have to take care physically of the other, to watch and wait.  It's part of it all--- that commitment.  That's the deal.  And I'm fine with it.  It's worth it.

Life can be a heartbreaker.  I know people who are so afraid of everything that could go wrong they only live half a life, one foot on the brake at all times, and see things through a veil of their own making.  I feel bad for all they miss.  I make a concentrated effort to stay plugged-in.  You have to let yourself feel a lot of things and trust it will all be worth it. You have to do the work.  It's not effortless.  It's a choice though.

Lately I've sucked at mountain biking because of not being able to do it very often.  Some people I know have been at it so long and are so good at it it's pretty natural for them I think.  I, on the other hand, have to work really hard to just be *okay* at it, but to me it's worth it, because of moments like this---

 That make me do this---

 These pics are all from last year because it's not something where there's usually a camera around or anyone watching even.  I do it alone quite a bit.  Something changed this year where I decided I for sure don't want to get horribly mangled, like paralyzed or in adult diapers or whatever for this hobby.  I've pulled back from a couple things I used to ride last year even though I was terrified every single time.  White knuckling it was an adrenaline rush, but not a fun one for me, and I decided the fun was the most important part.

Here's the thing though--- it's still hard work.  Right now I'm having to go back, maybe not to square one, but probably to square two or three, and sort of force myself to ride some stuff I do know I can ride--- that I've always tackled with no real issue.  I lost my confidence, and some of my skills got rusty.

Today I went over determined to ride the entire trail no matter how long it took or how much I sucked.  It took me longer than it had been before my hiatus, and I didn't *make* everything, but then again I did make some challenging stuff, and it was fun.  I had to change my approach---- I can't ride for a best lap time right now-- it's just not practical and will only make me feel like a failure.  I had to allow myself to go into some wuss gears in order to make some climbs--- get over it-- this ain't the Olympics.

I made a choice I still want this activity in my life, and I'll do it in whatever capacity I'm able.  I made a choice to push a little, put in the work needed to regain some of the ground I've lost, but also to be okay with maybe never being a total all-star at this.  I can be good enough at it to have fun at it though.  Choices.

What are some choices you guys have made lately?  Even if things are hard, or involve some pain, would you make the same choice?  Do you even look at your life in this way--- full of choices you make?

3 comments:

irishk said...

I love this post Sue. It is filled with grit and honesty and laced with vulnerability. So much of life is beyond our control and we are given no 'choices' ~ death, illness, heartbreak, to name only a few. However, having said that, we always have the ability to choose how we react to any given life event. Each day we can choose to show up for our life or simply put it on automatic pilot. Our actions affect other re-actions and we should take responsibility for that. Nothing spreads more quickly than negativity and nothing is less productive. It is such a waste of living. My choice is to live with intention...to be present in my own life. I am intolerant of intolerance. I choose to surround myself with people that make me want to be a better me because of who they are. They say at the end of our lives, it is rarely what we have done that we regret, but rather what we did not do. You are so right when you talk about taking risks. It is so much easier to be safe and 'satisfied' with the way things are. I find it is easier to take those risks when you have a solid tether that grounds you. If you get too close to the edge, they will rein you back in. Having that knowledge is empowering and freeing. I admire your commitment to your relationship. It's good to make googley eyes after all those years:-) Kathleen

pseudosu said...

Well said, as always Kathleen. Living with intention is a great way to put it. I guess I know that we certainly can't control life and what happens, but I don't want to miss-out by living half-way or by trying to hard to avoid possible pain or disappointment that I don't experience the good stuff either.

Maery Rose said...

So much in this post. I love how you describe your relationship with Dan. It's the way I always dreamed of it being. Not easy but so worth the effort. The kind of relationship that comes with time, commitment, and work and most important, lots of acts and words of appreciation and love. I'm tearing up a bit now, happy for you, a bit sad for me. I'm like a thumb that's been whacked with a hammer. Hurts like hell when you do it but then it's like your thumb goes numb for awhile, like the nerves are in shock or damaged. It's not the way I want to be but it just is right now.

Choices... I've made some doozies. Lots of times, it's felt like I'm just reacting, that there are no real choices, at least not any I liked. I have many regrets, things I try to forgive and move on from. I'm trying to find that core instinctual part of me that knows which direction to turn, that isn't simply trying to "people please" or impress or get people to accept and like me. So I don't know if I'm making choices or just trying things on to see how they feel and how far I can push past fears. Each step, like riding really hard up a hill, makes me feel stronger and capable of doing more.