And Sue. Gotta be Sue. Hey people. First things first-- it's me and Dan's 18th Anniversary of being married today (28 of being together-- We lived together for 10 years first, just to, you know, make sure.) Here's my gift. We don't usually *do* gifts, but when I was lusting after a necklace recently he suggested I just go get a bunch of goodies and make an even better one for myself. I sort of made it my gift to justify the extravagance.
earnest 1 |ˈərnist|
resulting from or showing sincere and intense conviction
This is what it says in the dictionary. This week I wrestled with the ~intense~ part a bit. I've been trying to not talk much about this stuff, but screw it-- it's been a big part of my recent life and I guess sharing some of my inner workings with you guys is part of my ~earnestness~.
Almost 2 weeks ago me and ~cooltrailbossRich~ had a meeting with a bunch of guys over the recent devastation at the trail. Bottom line-- the power company contracted a tree company, partially owned (at least partially) by another power company (it seems to me the whole network of various power companies and the tree contractors they all use is kind of incestuously entangled) to ~clear~ brush and trees from their easement which runs through the park where my trail is. It was over-cut, exceeding the easement in many spots. That is a fact-- anyone can check and see that this is so.
All of this-- the damage, and the fact that it just seemed wrong to me--- like someone was trying to get away with something--- pissed me off. Not just me-- tons of people are upset, but I, being earnest (described by some involved who'd just as soon this all just *go away* as ~eyeroll~ "passionate")
have been a bit like a dog with a bone about this and pushed it pretty far, with the approval and help of cooltrailbossRich of course.
Apparently though, at our meeting, the one where I felt like a dog on a leash because I so wanted to more aggressively question the tree company men, (who I guess I can't PROVE were lying, but did come up with about 3 or 4 implausible conflicting stories before lapsing into total silence) I guess my emotional level was a bit high for the men's comfort. I was super frustrated, and thought for sure those guys were lying right to our faces, and I guess I displayed that. That makes men think you are less credible. Even the men who should have been on our side-- from Parks & Rec.
Here's me after a recent day of trailwork. This is by far not the worst I've looked after working at the trail. Me and the others on the crew have done incredible amounts of work for this place. I've been at sessions where we actually became delirious from our personal tanks running so low, and being so overheated. We've worked past the point of exhaustion many many times.
This ~passionate~ thing really threw me for a loop last week, because I've always known guys don't respond well to high emotion, or volumes of words. I myself have always been uncomfortable by people, usually women, who display a lot of emotion. I have looked down my nose at that, and always thought of myself as pretty contained. It was hard for me to accept how the others perceived me, but fuck it. Yes-- I was and am really pissed about this on a number of levels.
Awareness is a good thing. I'll know more about myself now. I guess as long as my intentions are good, and I'm fighting for what I really believe is right, and am listening to what other people I respect think, I'll have to just accept that emotion is part of the package for me, part of my intensity, which can be used for good. I'm trying to not judge that as a negative trait, just see it as a fact.
I rode with Dan yesterday. My rides and this trail always become metaphorical for me. I did much better than I have in a long time yesterday, making tons of climbs for the first time in months.
Also-- recognizing which scary things it is better for me to force myself to overcome. Sometimes I DO have to push myself outside my comfort zone, for my own personal growth:
Riding the trail is all about that balance between climbing and descending, strategizing it all-- learning all the different skills, mental and physical. Challenges, joy, acceptance, fear, failure, determination, and success. It's all there to learn from and about.
The end of the story hasn't been written yet about the trees and the trail and the over-cutting. We are waiting for the power company & the city to come up with some kind of restitution agreement which we're told will take about 2 weeks more. Meanwhile I'm trying to get over my anger at the whole situation-- the damage, the unfairness of being dismissed as ~eyeroll~ "passionate", and the idea that there will always be people around who will try to get away with whatever they can.
If nothing else, a lot of people have been put on notice that this little patch of woods has a lot of eyes on it, and a lot of people who are pretty damned ~earnest~ about protecting it.