Who is Sue and what is Suelandia?

Monday, March 26, 2012

Forward, March.

Hey people.  Since I last checked in I've gotten much better.   Check out the ultra comfy leg warmers my sis knitted for me.  I love the colors!

In the first couple of weeks I felt like things were on the brink of ripping open every time I got up, especially if I had to twist in any way, like getting into a car, and even my legs, which hadn't had anything done to them at all felt kind of wobbly. Now I'm feeling much stronger, more like my old self.  But it's kind of a long process, and there has been a weird feeling I didn't expect that has gone along with it all.

Here is me getting some training on a new machine the city got for helping with trailwork.  This was about a week ago (about halfway through my recovery period).  I felt kind of intimidated, because the other park's crew was there too, so it was all these guys, only a couple from my crew, and me, and they all seemed to automatically know exactly what the trainer was talking about while I was madly concentrating trying to override the "crap! crap! crap!" tape playing inside my head.

This is part of the weird feeling from this whole thing that is hard to explain.  At least I think it is.  I've felt a little more vulnerable I guess, just at a physical disadvantage, but it's messed with me a bit.

Anyway, I was able to let all the mysterious words like "zerks", and "glow plugs" float by me like math, and just try to watch and learn.  It went okay, but I didn't like feeling so stupid.  It made me kind of mad at myself, or disappointed that I didn't feel as confident as I'd have liked.  But it was a new thing out of my comfort zone, so being supremely confident despite that would probably make me... a guy???  Not sure.

What I am sure about is how I feel when I get to be back in my happy place-- the woods!  I finally became stable enough feeling to be able to get a couple good hikes in a day with my walking sticks.  If you've never tried these, I know it sounds weird, but using them, the motion of your arms with them, boosts your hiking cardio level by about 40% (supposedly).  All I know is I get a lot more winded using them, and since I'm not supposed to run yet, this helps.

Man I love it here.  It smells like wet earth right now, like things decaying, but fresh too.  We cleaned the trail off before the snow last fall to help it dry out quicker this spring.  It seemed to really help.

It rained last week but I went out anyway.  It was so peaceful over there, but in spring there is an underlying vigor too.  I picture time lapses of things growing, like those old films from earth science classes.

I tried to artistically capture the water droplets on the branches, but I'm not that great a photographer.  In real life it was a lot more magical though; all throughout my peripheral vision little points of light were falling, forming, and falling.

One of the tree species dropped tiny little red flowers, or something.  Whatever they are they looked pretty.

I'm glad I got these rain boots on clearance last year.  Bad-ass huh?

I think some of my offness is recovery related, but some might just be my *normal* cycle of feeling pretty bulletproof one week, and then like the most incompetent loser the next.  I know this makes no sense, and it is a direct result of what I put out there, but I've been feeling a little pouty at times here and there, like a little kid.

I think I normally act very self-sufficient and have always been super independent; that's what I put out there, but something about having an 8" incision cut through my abs, then shot with compressed air so I inflated like a blow fish, stuff taken out, and sewed back up again has made me feel kind of like I want to be babied a bit.

I want to have my cake and eat it too.  I want to be able to do whatever I want, and not be questioned or reprimanded about it, but then I also want, when it strikes me, to be patted and coddled and told it will all be okay and "poor little sue" and be treated like the delicate flower I am.  ~bink~   Stupid right?  I know.  It's really dumb.  But that is how I felt last week a lot.

I'm hoping this is all just a side-effect from not being able to get out and move as much as I'm used to, and from being uncomfortable for weeks on end, and having my body all whacked-out and nothing functioning right yet organ-wise.  I'm anxious to get back to just being my normal weird self and not the invalid version. 

Look-- moss!  I stopped and pushed my hand into it.  I can't even explain how good that felt.  :)  Carry on.  Whine-fest is concluded. 


Linda said...

Wishing you continued healing...getting stronger every day. Great post, great pics. LOVE the moss!! (could smell it and feel it!)

strugglingwriter said...

Those socks rock. So glad you are improving.

Great photos also!

Maery Rose said...

You're allowed, truly. Surgery is a big deal. Broken bones did the same thing to me. I felt so dang vulnerable and angry that I wasn't tougher. Like bones grinding around in my shoulder shouldn't bother me. I hate reminders that I'm not the Bionic Woman.

I had my performance review today and was told how much more confident I've become in the past year. Like, "Huh?" And then, "Oh wait, that wasn't a very confident reaction was it?" =D

Mindy said...

Been a bit wrapped up in my own head lately. Missed that you were in the hospital. Healing is best done slowly, glad you're getting there. You look strong and beautiful. Spring is coming and I will be up your way soon. Lunch sometime?

pseudosu said...

Linda-- Thanks. We need a lunch date soon!

Struggling-- Thanks. A shorter version would be some rockin' hockey socks no?

Maery-- I knew you'd feel me on this one. Thanks. :)

Mindy-- For sure! Love it. Let me know when. :)

Lynn Fisher said...

Love the socks!!! My PT looked at me squarely the other day and said..."you baby boomers and your 'back after this commercial break' injuries...you're injured for $#^@*&^ sakes. It takes time in the best of circumstaces, which is usually when you're 11 years old."
I had to tell you that...I laughed pretty hard!