Suelandia

Is it too early for spring fever?

2012-02-06T08:32:00.001-06:00

Hey people. Don't get me wrong; I am not one of those people who hates winter. In fact it's been a very mild winter here, the biggest problem being a LACK of snow to do wintry things on, but even that hasn't bothered me. I think it actually feels so spring-like, it's making me *go there* earlier than usual.

Last week I saw these shoes, and had a momentary lapse of reason. Don't they look fun? Like whatever you do wearing these babies would just automatically be way more fun? Seeing them led to a web search for other colorful kicks. Oh the fun I would have in my new super colorful shoes!

Fortunately I came to my senses before spending $110 on shoes I don't need, but the colorful vibe is IN me people! It's been showing up big time in my art image searches. Here's a bit about how that goes: (This is what I do for hours every night pretty much-- process images. It's an artist thing.)

"Ooo. I like!" ~click~ Hmm. "Why do I like?" ~Examines~ "The layered colors. The combinations I'd never have chosen on my own-- oranges, reds, deep pinks, purples-- shocking on the light blue." ~Likes more!~

Then I see something like this and go, "Okay- cool. Gold/yellows look cool with those too, and maybe even browns."

Then I see this, and devour it whole. Look how amazing. I'm going some day. Eyeballs drool all over internet.

Then--- look! Does your brain connect anything here like mine does? This is hard to explain a bit, but connections like this, between colors and shapes, vague links, it's like fitting a puzzle piece or something. More exciting though-- it's like plugging in some big machine that's already on and leaps to life instantly.

Then I see this and there's a tie-in. Do you see it? The palette has been expanded, and the shapes defined. It's like a city-scape, or the idea of one. Maybe even an overhead shot? But I see a link between these three. (The image doesn't have to *be* anything. My brain leaps all over like a box full of puppies anyway. It's inarticulate. I'm getting it, but can't explain it.)

Then I see this one and it's the lava lamp effect--- things reform, morph, and I go from image to image to image making links and sorting ideas, and getting excited to begin new projects. It's a discovery process.

I'm getting very anxious for the coming spring and summer-- which will be amazing! New projects, tons of activities, I feel like a lot will happen. It's exciting!

I invented crack you guys (relax, they're cookies). :)

2012-01-26T18:21:00.000-06:00

Hey people. I've spent some time lately going through old pictures trying to organize a portfolio submission. It's been kind of fun reminiscing, and kind of weird when I run into pictures of me from about 15 years ago when I was really overweight and struggling quite a bit to figure my life out. I don't even look like the same person, and in many ways I'm not.

I smiled finding this pic again though, one of my favs because Katie looks so happy. There was one that really made me laugh, of us in bikinis where I am pretending to be a robot attacking her, but there was no way I was going to post that one. You're welcome, America.

Trusty Pam and I got out the snowshoes this week-- overkill for sure. There was probably a whole 2" of snow, but it was fun marking the trail with our tracks and just being out in the snowy woods. One of the things that changed my life for the better more than anything else, was learning how important it is for me to MOVE almost every day, and be outside a little every day. Pals, of course, make everything better and more fun too.

So you are probably wondering about the crack. Yep, people may have thought they were onto something before as far as addictive substances go, but seriously--- these cookies... I dare you to resist them.

Crunchy on the outside, chewy on the inside. Chocolaty, with hints of cinnamon, and a little bite of cayenne too. The ones above have walnuts, they came out thicker and chewier. The flat ones below have cinnamon chips. Both were way way too good. And they're gluten free.

They are mostly egg whites, with some cocoa powder, and lots of powdered sugar, and few other other things. No butter/oil, and no flour. The key is beating the living HECK out of the batter. If anyone wants I'll put the recipe in the comments.

This is something I invented a few years ago. I used to call it pesto, but it isn't really. I like it better, so am now calling it *besto*. It's basil, olive oil, salt, lots of garlic, lemon juice, and Parmesan. Whip it all together in the food processor.

It is super good spread on crusty grainy bread.

I'm working on things in my shop these days, just whatever right now-- side projects, and whatever I feel like making. I opted out of the spring 50 on 50th show, so have nothing for sure scheduled until Nov. I'm going to try to make more big things, and just be always making something. I'm trying to be more consistent about delivering work to the galleries I work with; get into more of a *regular* pace of working rather than going into overdrive for a show and trashing what's left of my hands.

This pic is small and low-rez, but is a horse I have in mind after watching a dressage performance. The horse was sort of dancing, doing a kind of bouncy trot with very little forward motion. He was kind of hopping foot to foot, diagonal feet in perfect sync. I'd like to capture that motion, but of a young, not perfectly polished horse, maybe one doing it, but fooling around just a little bit too. We'll see.

I love that I can wake up in the morning, a little before I have to get up, and not be able to get back to sleep because some art idea has taken over my brain. I've been thinking a lot about what I love about my life this week. I feel pretty dang lucky in many many ways. I've been fooling around with a bunch of old water heaters I have that have blue enamel baked onto one side of the steel too. I'm getting some cool ideas of how to use them. They've been sitting behind my shop for 3 years, and I finally am getting ideas for them. Could turn out really really cool. :)

Y'know what's good?

2012-01-14T19:21:00.001-06:00

Fake mashed potatoes; that's what. Hey people. This one's going to be one of those *all over the place* posts, so hang on. First up "Fake Mashed Potatoes." These are so super good you may never see the need to make regular ones ever again. So good you wouldn't even consider ruining them with gravy. And they're made of beans, people.

These beans are packed with protein and fiber, and have no fat, so they're good for you too. Just rinse them off, (they come packed in some weird liquid in the can that I'm suspicious of and kind of grossed-out by) dump them a food processor with a bunch of garlic (if you like a bunch-- it's *to taste*), a bit of olive oil, (maybe a tablespoon or so, I just pour a bit in), salt & pepper to taste. Blend it to a mashed-potato-y consistency.

Spread that into a shallow baking dish (or two-- whatever), and top with a bit of cheese. I like Parmesan. Because the beans are so darn healthy, you can afford a little cheese here.

Bake at 350 for about 10 minutes (you're really just heating them up real good, they come cooked in the can), then turn the oven to broil for 5 to 10 minutes to melt the cheese. This part is kind of personal taste, and depends on what kind of cheese you use etc, so just keep an eye on it. When it looks good to you, it's done!

YUM.

As you can see Ray is still being all cuddly and adorable. I swear these cats, especially him, were sent to pull the love through me like a straw. I know it's good for me on some deep level, physically and otherwise. I love Ray so much, I sometimes worry about outliving him. That's always part of the deal with pets. But I just trust there will be another special pet when the time comes, and don't let it stop my intense feelings for him.

It's weird, consciously making that choice-- to love something *anyway.* I guess that's what we do with our families, especially older people. It's very typical of people to classify my love of my pets as misplaced maternal instincts because I never had kids. Who knows.

I have never regretted or second-guessed that choice. It has been a certainty I've known inside since being a kid myself, so have no idea about maternal instincts, only that they must be some overwhelming drive in most people to make it such a big deal to so many.

My ~metal death-ball/ leggo-baby situation~ has turned out to be kind of for real. Apparently I have a few squatters that have taken up residence in what I'm sure to them looked like a perfectly decent place no one was even using. I was calling them the world's ugliest puppies for a couple days before I began to gross- out even myself. They are benign growths that are very common, especially in women about my age. Mine have gotten big enough to be a major pain in the ass, make that in the gut, and need to go. This means some superfluous (in my case) lady-parts also need to go.

This doesn't bother me in the least, but is one of those weird mileposts of *never* you find yourself passing as you age. I was a bit bummed when I turned 35 to hear the FBI would no longer consider me too. This wasn't something I actually wanted to do, but still, I have one of those personalities that doesn't like to be told "no", or what to do at all for that matter.

But this is all good. I won't be knocked out of commission for days at a time anymore, and the recovery time will be perfect for finally doing those online classes I signed-up for.

Been doing a little time-travelling this week. I'm preparing a bunch of material to apply for a publicly funded commission. I normally don't have to pursue jobs, they come to me, but it's kind of a fun process.

Here's a shot of another commission I did about 6 years ago for Hennepin County Medical Center. I had to learn how to do stained glass to do it, but it came out awesome. That's my dad walking through the shot in the background.

It's been fun to look through shots of old work. I forget to take pictures of a lot of things I make. This is making me realize I should really pay more attention to that. I get so caught up in the process of art just pouring straight from me out into the world, I just take it for granted there will always be more and more and more, like, "Why bother keeping a record of it?"

But it is cool to look back now, and even with a spotty habit of taking pix, to see the body of work I've built up over that last 15 or so years.

Some doors have closed to me as I've aged. Some I've closed myself. There are things I used to hold out as life goals I've let go of, or postponed. Whether it's a sell-out or not it doesn't feel terrible. I'm complacent about those. I'm not a published author (yet). I have never learned to ride big scary stuff mountain biking, like rock gardens, and big jumps etc. I maybe still could, but have chosen self-preservation over the ego boost of being the rad-est old lady at the trail. For now anyway.

The art though, whatever form it takes in the future, feels like the gift that keeps on giving. I get to always feel, at this stage of my life, for now, that my best work could still be ahead of me. I'm still excited about new projects, and about learning new things, new ways to express it.

Plus, now at this age, my confidence has become validated, bacause of experience.

I took a little field trip to the Walker this week to check out a graphics show. The Walker is our city's modern art museum. There are some cool things there, but a lot of what I consider total erudite, over-intellectualized bullshit. There are tons of people (mostly with degrees) who will argue that opinion, but I've always felt your art should speak for itself, and doesn't have to have any big meaning or point to make to be relevant.

When I visited this place early in my career, I felt the same way, but also felt like an outsider who would never be considered a "real artist" probably, because of this. But now all these years later, what do you know. People, lucky for me, pay me for my art. Guess it turned out okay after all. :)

Most things do huh?

Back to, erm... well...

2012-01-11T09:22:00.002-06:00

Hey people. Life is getting back to the normal I know anyway, and it feels great. Yesterday I got back into the woods. It's been unseasonably warm here, and without much snow at all, but the trail has managed to keep a thin layer packed on on shady slopes.

It felt wonderful to roam the woods again, but man am I out of shape now! Okay-- scratch that. I've been talking with some friends lately about the power our words and thinking have; those messages we send to ourselves and the universe. Change that to-- "I'm getting stronger every day."

I went for a ride too, the first in a loonnnggg time, with Trusty Pam. This is how bad my eyes have gotten: I took this pic and said, "Well, I can't even tell if it's blurry or not, so hopefully it's okay."

But then Pam goes, "Let me see it. Yep. It's fine." LOL! At Target yesterday I was buying some new hair magic potion and wanted to make sure it didn't have sulphates in it, and had to go to the reader glasses section and borrow a pair to read the ingredients. Time to break down and go to the eye doctor I guess. Damned aging.

The ride was fun, but now that Pam is a roadie, or *cyclist* as she insists on calling it (jk), she kicked my butt! She even bought a trainer now, so she can ride for two hours inside her house, going nowhere very fast. They are a breed apart. ;)

Got back in the shop after New Years too. I love my little shop.

I needed a fun project to get me back in the welding saddle, so began with this trophy for the mountain bike races. Pretty sweet huh?

What you don't know is the first time I made it, I made the #1 backwards. Yep. Still a numbers whiz. The final came out cool though. After that I decided I really needed to clean the place up to give myself some elbow room to get any more good work done. This meant delving into my scrap pile and culling. It is just me, or does this look like it would make a cool hanging thing?

Ah. And this-- my ultimate revenge for the backwards #1 (it has now become number's fault this happened) -- would be making something cool out of the guts of this old adding machine.

This is just a pile, but of scrap from the same project. I love the colors, and it what? says? feels? There is something chaotic I can't name about it that relates to birds, like when they all take off in a flurry of confusion.

And look at these ancient goodies. Primo, pitted, nice thick rusty pieces. These can become something cool for sure.

This scrap is left over from that big sun face I made a few years ago. I still like the outlines of rays. The pile is abstractly sunny, and has potential.

More thick pitted rusty scrap, and cool colorful swatches. It was so fun to look through this stuff. It pulsates with energy of things waiting to become something else, kind of like me! I've been very excited lately, about creating in general.

This one has been on the back burner for over a year now. Any time I have the opportunity to make something out of thin air, it's the most exciting feeling in the world for me. This has numerous applications. The other night Dan brought up a business idea. I am always encouraging him to think this way-- about what he would do if nothing stood in his way.

He came back from one of his river excursions (He likes to stroll around down there and have a beer or two and listen to this one radio show on Sat nights that features a lot of old music- "American Roots". Great show on NPR.) with an idea of having a nightclub on some kind of boat on a river featuring that kind of music.

(Here's a pile of what's left from the Tina build.)

I could hardly sleep that night. My brain began churning the moment he brought it up. There was a race I helped with the next day at the trail too, but the whole time in the background my brain was chewing away on this-- where to begin the research, who to interview, what regulations to look into, places to visit, a flashcard deck of images flipping non-stop the whole time too. My brain can whir along on a lot of levels simultaneously when I am *on* an idea. Ideas pour in too fast to fully process, but I try to sort them into piles I can make sense of later.

(Here's what's left of 007's chrome bumper. I really love how it looks and would love to pick up another actual chrome metal bumper some day. I'm kind of hoarding this until a worthy idea crops up.)

In just 24 hours the idea had gone from what Dan mentioned, to more of a food truck idea based out of a refitted airstream trailer. I'd look into how places like Se Salt are permitted to operate inside a park, then scout locations that were by water, preferably a river, wooded, with high traffic, and lots of bike traffic. Maybe on a trail system. The bar idea morphed into a lean one, two, or three item menu, with just beer, water, and soda for beverages. Svelt, super simple menu. It would be all about location and atmosphere, and being the only option, or the best option, in that location. It would be about being in a place people already frequented, and creating an atmosphere that made them want to take a break and hang out a while and spend a little $ on some refreshments/food.

(I found some of the templates from my tee shirt bleaching idea too. This little tree is one of the best I've ever cut.)

And then Dan pulled the plug-- which was fine by me. This type of business would be extremely risky, but I wasn't *there* yet, to that part, I was still in germination mode. He decided that was just a burst of enthusiasm for that kind of music, and that show, and for his personal experiences of hanging out by our cool river. It was a good experience though, for him to just think that way-- of the possible, and for me, because all that is good for me-- that brain-churning, creative process stuff. It keeps me creatively limber.

(I still really love this little jackalope, and this bike. I've been really excited about getting back into the illustration vibe again too-- looking forward to it. I still have one commission to finish before I can really concentrate on that.)

I'm excited about planning a new art business to add to my activities, alongside my metal art biz. With the metal (i know, I know, I've said this before, but this time I REALLY will!) I'm going to work more regularly at it, but fewer hours per day to save what's left of my hands. I'm kind of excited about this as I clean up my shop, because I'm getting all sorts of ideas, and I also really like the idea of having another large project like Tina that is ongoing for a while, in between other smaller works.

It all feels really good right now. Everything. How about you guys?

Holidaze part deux-- the bonus post

2012-01-04T20:18:00.000-06:00

Hey people. I have this thing about going on trips with my family, or anyone really. It's definitely me, not them. I can't stand feeling confined, and get very edgy when cooped-up for long periods of time, and very very edgy when I can't escape and get some alone time or at least MOVE, like, outside.

So when sis suggested a family road trip up north I immediately thought back to the trip I took with them several years ago--- all of us stuffed into dad's suburban, me sharing a bedroom with her and the two kiddos, and how I was about ready to stab myself in the head by the time we got back. Was she kidding?

No. No she was not. But this time it would be different! The kids are a little older now, and Dan was going too, and we'd definitely take our OWN car, and may not stay the entire time.

Upon hearing this sis said, "Great! Her and the kids would ride up with us! Mom said, "If you leave early, can I get a ride home with you?" So began family road trip ~new years oh-twelve~.

Sis lined-up the most amazing place for us to stay. It was seriously, mind-blowingly awesome. (She traded her time share condo on S. Padre for it.) 6 bedrooms, 3 baths, this HUGE living room/dining room combo called "the great hall", two screened in porches, on a 30' cliff overlooking lake superior with stairs going down to the shore, with a huge stone fireplace. It was built in 1938 by this (apparently) rich woman for her and her fiance, who then jilted her. She lived there alone for the next 15 years, until she died. Wow huh? (Here's Dan checking out the view in the great hall.)

The walls were hand plastered, and painted pale blue, then the high ridges were sanded off. It was craftsman style, and decorated to that style/period with tons of antiques and collectibles.

There were some contemporary art pieces mixed in too. There were interesting things to look at in every room.

I suppose this is as good a time as any to add that I was feeling the most miserable that I ever have in front of other humans on this trip. Remember the metal death ball? The leggo baby? Worse. Than. Evaaarrrrr. I seriously thought it was possible I was actually dying or something. I'd be like, "Might as well eat this piece of fudge since I'll probably be dead by morning."

I was on so many drugs I lost track and didn't even care if I was O.D.-ing anymore. There were weird pulsating throbbings in unlikely places, and I got a giant headache and other disgusting symptoms I, (count your lucky stars) will not go into detail about. Also-- forget sleeping. There was no sleeping.

So you can imagine what a treat I was to be around. I'm a bit like a wild animal. Much to my mom's dismay, I abhor cuddling (unless you are Dan) (extremely perplexing I know) even when I'm well. When I feel bad, you risk losing a hand or at least some fingers if you try to nursemaid me in any way. My deepest desire is to become invisible, or astral project myself to another dimension.

So yeah, good times. But the place was cool.

I only felt uber uber horrible for the first day and a half or so. After that I only felt regular horrible, so we went out and about to have some fun in between me making groaning noises. One time when I was with Dan, Kate, my dad, and Jaden, we turned off this back road we were on onto this sort of *non-road*. It was some kind of construction or logging road, and it was snowing like crazy. I thought, "This is how those *what were they thinking?* Dateline survivor stories start out, but it was too fun not to do it. We were looking for a hiking trail. Here's where Katie's new smart phone said we were:

Helpful huh? We eventually found the superior hiking trail and got on that for a bit. It was beautiful; frozen and snowy. I was a little worried Dad would wipe-out on the ice, but everyone did fine.

The next day the entire family hiked the Caribou River trail with us. It was climbing climbing for the first part. Pretty, and not super steep, but a lot of climbing for people who aren't used to hiking.

This is the same trail Dan and I hiked in the fall, where we went off trail and had to climb up a giant cliff to get back to the trail when it was that or actually get IN the river. The trail leads to a super giant staircase going down down down the entire elevation you just climbed, to the base of a huge waterfall, that is now frozen.

So cool! So worth it! We knew from being there in the fall the large pool at the base of the falls is only about a foot deep, and has to travel through a very shallow section of river before it becomes bigger again, so we knew it was safe to walk around on.

We even found a hole in the frozen waterfall where you could check out the rushing water underneath.

This is the most gorgeous setting, and both times we've been there we've had the whole enchanted place to ourselves. I think the hike and stairs scare people off, and the river you see along the way looks pretty mellow, like there won't be anything very impressive to check out. Very deceptive.

Everyone was sliding around on the ice pretending to ice skate.

Katie used to take figure skating lessons and got pretty good when she was a kid. She still has a little game.

This shot is a little blurry, and has dorky me in the foreground, but if you look close you can see my sister making a face I only see on her when she get's back up here to the homeland. Her "MN smile."

We did manage to have some fun sister time despite the holiday hassle, (occasionally) whining kids, & my affliction.

If you like the north shore, I'd say it's still way worth the trip to go up in winter even if you don't ski (IF you like outdoors activities). Everywhere that is cool in summer is also awesome to check out in winter. It's just different-- frozen, which can be even cooler because you can sometimes hike ON the rivers if you know where you are and don't fall through and die.

It's stunning, actually, and there are no bugs and no crowds.

That's about it. It's now oh-twelve, and I've got nearly a year before I have to think about the holidays again. Also I'm now fat, like, seriously, muffin top. Those who know me may be in disbelief, but it is sad but true. The lesson here?-- I guess when you feel so terrible you eat a bunch of delicious fudge and caramel rolls because you're probably dying anyway, and then you don't-- when you are no longer in misery, you're fat. Yay. Oh well. Back at it with everyone else in the world it seems.

I survived The Holidays '11

2012-01-02T15:33:00.001-06:00

Hey people. Behold, the fruits of my labor. Literally. This was the main ingredient in the ~broiled grapefruit~ I made for Christmas brunch. It was insanely good.

Insanely because no one in their right mind would spend over an hour meticulously peeling this amount of grapefruit, ridding it of every molecule of fibrous membrane. Perhaps if you were a Kardashian you'd be rich enough to pay someone to do this, or sadly there are probably places in the world where slaves could be forced to perform this task, but it is so tedious there would be a high risk of saliva winding up in your food. But it was good, and the entire time I was preparing it I just thought about how much the people I was making it for would probably enjoy it.

Another sort of fancy thing I made was ~clementine granita~, which is basically shaved ice, made from clementine juice. It was super nom. Took a while to juice a whole crate of clementines by hand, but it was really good.

I made deviled eggs, which I thought was sort of funny considering the holiday-- but sinful or not everyone loves them. I tried to fancy them up a bit too by crackling the shells and soaking the eggs in food coloring for a while before peeling. Kind of a cool effect.

Basically I tried pretty hard this year folks. I swore I would avoid the negativity that usually permeates this time of year for me, and try to keep a good attitude and make things nice for everyone else who is actually into it. I decorated the place up-- even my self up.

Dan put some cool trees he made out of upside-down tomato cages outside and they looked awesome.

We cleaned our butts off and I got out a bunch (although not all believe it or not) (I could decorate a Macy's if I ever wanted to) of our Christmas decorations.

I planned ahead and got all my shopping done on time, and cooked a bunch of stuff the day before.

By the time the actual two-day event rolled around I was pretty wiped-out, but still keeping my good attitude. I only had about another week to get through until normal life could resume. I could do this! And everything looked really nice (if you are into this kind of thing)!

I took all thes pics right before my family showed up because seriously-- our house never looks like this. Yes people who know me in RL-- this is what my cocktail and dining table look like when not entirely covered with papers, and computers, and art stuff, and jewelry making supplies, random shipping boxes, and cat beds, etc etc.

Then Dan, who-- to be fair had been also working his butt off preparing for the holidays, and is only slightly more into it than me-- goes, "Yep, take all your little pictures because that's what we're all about; putting on a show."

That one sort of hit me in the gut. I was trying like mad to make everything nice for my guests, but I guess it was all a little fake. I never know where that line is and I get really conflicted and down on myself about it. Like (admittedly this will sound a bit nuts to many of you)-- I know for a fact that if I smile real big and act super nice to someone, odds are that will create a good feeling in them towards me and they will react favorably. They'll smile back, be nice to me, be more likely to help me out, etc etc. So if I use that knowledge, does that make me an asshole sort of?

The answer is if you're just doing that to be manipulative-- yeah, pretty much. But it's almost never that cut and dried. I could analyze stuff like this to death. Was I being a big phony? I still am not sure. I didn't hate it but I certainly didn't think it was *fun* either. I was happy to do it for them, but then again... (~loop of endless tormenting rumination~)

So anyway, Christmas brunch went great. My family had a nice time. We had fun playing cards and opening gifts after we ate and I really did like that part of it all.

But after it was still gnawing at me-- that comment about "putting on a big show", because preparing for guests or events at my house when I was a kid was seriously a nightmare, and I swore I'd never duplicate that in my adult life. Once, when the doorbell rang announcing the arrival of our first guest, my sister ceremoniously shouted, "Smiles everyone! Smiles!" like Mr. Roark on Fantasy Island. She got away with it because people were literally on our doorstep. It was hilarious, and extremely telling.

Later that night, too late to actually act on it, I had a great idea-- riding our bikes around on the quiet darkened streets of town looking at lights and just taking a beat, doing something *just us*.

Next year I'm going to still try to have a good attitude and all that, but also try to not lose myself and Dan so much in the process. It shouldn't feel like putting on a big show. It shouldn't be something I *manage to get through*.

Maybe by the time I'm 50 I'll figure all this crap out. Oh well. I had very little time to reflect on it because the very next day my sister and her kids hit town and it was Christmas Part Deux-- the sequel.

This also involved a trip to the north shore which will be the topic of my next post. How did you guys all fare?

Sue-ga oo-rah-rah...

2011-12-21T09:14:00.001-06:00

Hey people. Surely you have seen this sign somewhere right? Sorry to say, yesterday I violated it.

Yesterday was a very good day, very productive, and even fun with a couple different get-togethers with friends, but I was feeling a little fat, mostly because of the dumb *lady problems* I've been having (sorry guys,but it is what it is). Naturally I decided it was a good idea to wear this cute sweater tunic I have, as a dress, with no pants, and boots. Luckily I had a cute coat on that came just below my butt because it felt mighty breezy down there at times. I had on thick tights at least. By the end of the day I just figured as long as I walked around with completely confidence like, "Yeah, I have no pants on--- so?" no one would bat and eye, and that was pretty much the case.

Hey, Lady Gaga never wears pants and everyone loves her.

I have been trying to stay aboard the healthy eating/living train this holiday season, despite occasional hormonal attacks where I burst into sobs going, "I feel fat- wah..."-- then ransack the kitchen foraging for chocolate swearing about "How is it possible we have no $@#%* Doves in this house-- WHAT? You think I'm fat don't you?! Wah...."

Dan has learned to weather these outbursts with silence and very little eye-contact and no sudden movements.

It has mostly been going really well though-- seriously. I got this people. I think of it this way--- I may not be turning into an instant twig, but everything I do to support my health now is another building block in that foundation. I'll be that much more ahead in a month or three than I would be if I gave in (completely) and surrendered to my cravings and impulses.

Here is one major secret weapon--- spinach/egg/quinoa *muffins*.

They is good. They is kind. They is important. I like them best smooshed inside a toasted whole grain english muffin.

Here's the recipe: (Merry Christmas)
Mix:
1- 12oz pkg frozen chopped spinach (cooked)
3/4-C quinoa cooked in 1 can chicken stock (boil for 10 min)
2- C reduced fat sharp cheddar cheese (shredded)
(I actually used a cup and a half and it came out great. The less cheese you use, the less sinful these are. Your choice.)
5 eggs
1 bunch chopped green onions
salt/pepper/garlic salt to taste
Fill 12 spot muffin tin (use cooking spray!) and bake at 350 for 15 minutes.

In other Sue-news:
It's that time of year when the cats get extra cuddly. Ray is always my special buddy, but Mike, the Clint Eastwood of our clan (old, but still a major bad-ass) (AKA- "God's favorite cat" for surviving numerous brushes with death) wants in on the petting etc too. They have it pretty rough as you can see.

I'm having Christmas brunch at my place this year so have decorated a bit this week. I over-think the holidays sometimes and get all conflicted about various aspects. There are things about this time of year that get under my skin. I used to go really over the top decorating, but it began to feel sort of showy, like I was doing it for the attention or applause or something, and that's not what it should be about. This year I made it a priority to make all the preparations be about giving to others, making it nice for them.

That doesn't mean I don't enjoy it too. It just means being honest with myself about my motives for things, and reminding myself this doesn't have to be about me and all the things that bug me about the holidays. There are things that are cool about it I can focus on too. Decorating can just give the room a different feel, like, there is something out of the ordinary going on, something special.

I love these quartz crystals. This is how they naturally form-- pretty cool huh? I have spent a lot of time in my life marveling over stuff like this. For as long as I can remember I've examined things like leaves, fungus, minerals, snowflakes and been amazed at their intricacy and uniqueness, or even their symmetry-- the patterns. I'm not religious in the traditional sense, but things I observe in nature have always made me certain there is something other people call God at work, and that like me, he/she/it is very into creating things. I love feeling part of that, of this world/universe. A moving, interactive, participating, part; that matters.

My family and many people I know have religious beliefs about Christmas. I used to resent getting this shoved down my throat at this time of year, but now I don't. It is what it is. It's very special to them and I can honor that, even help them celebrate their beliefs.

I don't share the exact same dogma as them, but why split hairs-- I do believe we're all spiritual beings who've been given physical bodies to fool around in for a while here on Earth, and that when we're done, we're all going to be fine. I believe in the love, the big love of creation-- that we're eternal. I guess one difference between my own beliefs and those commonly held is that I believe we're ALL going to be okay, regardless of what we do, think, say, or even believe. I don't think anyone will be left out of this deal. I don't believe it's conditional. I believe it's a closed system.

That, to me, is the biggest love there could be, the absolute most forgiving, and that aligns more with my understanding of who/whatever *God* is. I'll celebrate that private belief, and let everyone else interpret the universe as they see fit.

The main thing that is important to me, is spending time with people I care about, and trying to make it a joyful day/time of year for them.

Above is the ornament I have to double check every year to see how long Dan and I have been married. We were living together for 10 years before we got married, and were really good friends for a couple years before we became a couple. All these holidays all year 'round, most of which I snub, are undeniably mileposts, where I do pause, and consider how lucky I am, in innumerable ways.

~Oh Holy Crap~ (I mean night)

2011-12-15T17:54:00.000-06:00

Or do i? Hey people. So... Remember the little tree houses? ~Fail~. I just ran out of time with the design process on these. This is the last version of the house I came up with, and visually it's pretty cute, but the paper is still too thick to allow the *candle* light to penetrate.

They weren't a total waste, because it is a good design, but there are kinks. I now know how I'll make the houses next go 'round-- thinner lightly colored paper. I'll also make some kind of jig for pre-cutting all the tiny ladder pieces with my chop saw. I really did a number on my hand cutting out all the trees for these too, and then had rusting problems.

I'll probably make these throughout the year, and stock pile them for either my home show next summer, or next holiday season (or both).

I still really like the old maps in the atlas I found, but maybe I'll try to print them on a more transparent paper.

There is an essential problem with this part of my art business--- I don't actually mind designing smaller *products* like this-- little inexpensive sculptures than are meant to be semi-mass-produced, because they are still my original design and done in small enough batches to still be *art*. The problem is the production. They are usually pretty labor intensive, and there's no way I can make a first world wage on these even when I sell them myself and get 100%.

Also, as I'm realizing more and more-- everything I make now takes a physical toll on my hands/eyes/etc. This last batch-- holy cow. I really thought I had done some permanent damage. I am modifying how I cut, but that's a learning curve. A friend suggested practicing using my right hand for when lefty finally bites the dust. Sounds crazy, but I know stuff like that is excellent for brain development, and we've all heard of people who learn to do things with their feet after horrible accidents etc. So....

Okay--- these suck but don't judge! This was just an experiment. I was standing above our table and decided to very quickly sketch a dog *without a net*-- no over-thinking, no erasing, and came up with the one on the left. This was with my normal (left) hand. Then I tried to do the same thing with my right hand and got the image on the right.

Sort of weird they are mirror images right? Also-- it was really trippy feeling!!! I know this sounds strange but it was kind of exciting. I began at the tip of the nose and was just thinking of how a dog (this one in my head anyway) *looked*, and freakishly my hand was recreating it (roughly) down on the paper, almost seemingly without my control. I know that sounds crazy, but there was some bizarre disconnect between the mechanics of moving my hand, and just focusing on the image in my mind. By the time I did the tail this began freaking me out and I began thinking more about how odd the pencil felt in my hand etc etc and in the lower body I sort of lost it.

Now, I do know both of these are pretty bad, but they were quickies, and there are bits of *good* in both of them. It's hard to explain the thrill this sent through me. Like, there are still things out there to learn about that will amaze me, even about myself. It was one of those "life is pretty dang cool" moments.

Lastly, on the art front anyway, I naturally came up with a really awesome *product*, a bit too late to take advantage of this year's holiday sales. It sprung from the tree house idea-- little glowy buildings.

I really like the idea of these. They'd look awesome tucked amongst the little groupings of trees everyone is so nuts about. I also like the idea of a variety of more modern looking structures. I'll be able to play with this one and have a bunch for next year.

Other life goes on. My grandma, now 96, has decided to go off the heart medication that her and her doctor felt wasn't doing much good anyway. She's living on a tiny ledge, inches wide, with her back against a cliff she has no hope of scaling. Some of us occasionally lower ourselves to her perch by ropes to visit for a while, but, for us, with our harnesses and sturdy lines and equipment, it's different.

It would be a real bitch to wander around your apartment worrying about things like being found on the toilet or in some other undignified position, or if it will hurt. I asked her how she felt about all this. She said, "Well, a little afraid."

A little afraid indeed. She's not brave in the traditional sense of being someone who'd race into a burning building to save people etc, but in a very human accessible way, she is I guess. In the way that we all face what we get dealt. It's not like we choose it, but what else is there for us to do but play it all the way out?

Tomorrow I'm spending the day with her after my final art delivery of the season. She wants to go to the store and out to run Christmas errands, and to have lunch. She wanted to know how long I'd be able to be with her and I told her as long as she wants tomorrow. I know she'll get tired before dinner time, and at this point, I'll give her whatever company I can on her little ledge.

In your FACE, thumb trigger.

2011-12-08T18:33:00.001-06:00

Hey people. You know I've been having hand problems. Most of the trouble is with my thumb, right where it attaches to my hand. As you may know, I'm known for my amazing ~kung-fu-grip~. My hands are super small, but super strong too. Seriously, my grip is like a pitbull's bite-- except for now when even grabbing the steering wheel of my car makes it feel like my thumb is going to snap off.

The prime suspects?-- My side-cutters and pliers, which I use constantly to hand-bend stuff and snip stubborn bits of slag off edges with, and my cutting torch. It has a button on top you have to press down on with your thumb the entire time you're cutting. Today I tried a modification I came up with-- tah-dah...

They sell ergonomic torches with a button underneath you grab with your fingers, but it's almost $500. Yes-- my version uses a rubber band. Yes-- it will probably wear out, but I'd have to go through a hell of a lot of rubber bands to add up to $500.

The problem is, it's hard to let go of the switch now, because it's also how I hold onto the entire torch. It's basically *firing* the whole time I'm holding onto it now. That causes incidents like this. Yikes.

This was frustrating today a bit, but I got a heck of a lot of cutting done, that I physically wouldn't have been able to otherwise. Really, I just need to relearn how to cut because it's a whole new ball-game with this modified torch.

I usually *pull* my cuts. With the thing going off the entire time I had to adapt and be more fluid with my movements, both pulling and pushing, similar to doing contour drawings. Yes it felt awkward, and no I wasn't automatically good at it. I pride myself on being really good at cutting and I felt like a 2nd grader trying it. But I kept telling myself it was easier than becoming right-handed.

Really it is mechanics. That can be learned. Cutting the "normal" way felt awkward when I was learning that too. You've got 3 joints to control, shoulder, elbow, and wrist. These all affect your torch angle various ways. Once you've finally got that under control, there's your speed, plus, you're moving the entire time, so it isn't static. You are adjusting the entire time you're cutting. Even how you breathe affects the cut.

By the end of the day I was getting pretty good, not great yet for sure, but probably still better than some. I ran into some duty cycle issues. My machine isn't used to running like this, and would occasionally *spit* and wreck my nice smooth cut. I'd patch it with a tiny weld. Luckily I'm making trees, so, they don't have to be super perfect.

I like to think I'm creating a bunch of new neural pathways in my brain by forcing myself to learn a new way.

Also it was ~new welding jacket day~. I got this at a second had shop for $15! I felt a little bad about how dirty and ruined it's going to get, but my old one is literally falling apart. I am actually glad it already has a war wound or two on it.

Now it is officially my ~shop jacket~.

Just looking at my torch I got an idea of how to modify it even more so the lever on the top has a lower profile that may help me have more control. Experiments continue...

Existentially yours, -Me

2011-12-04T20:28:00.001-06:00

Hey people. Dan and I enjoyed our one Christmas ritual last night-- watching "It's a wonderful life" on regular broadcast t.v. I don't know how many times I've seen this movie-- tons, but I always notice something different each time. This time the passion sort of resonated.

There's this one scene where his life as he had planned it is kind of going to crap, he learns he's probably doomed to stay in his little home town and run the building and loan instead of traveling the world and going to college. He's always been drawn to Mary, even though he doesn't want to be, because he doesn't want to be ~that guy~, he wants to be un-tied-down world traveler guy. When he finally cracks and caves in to his attraction, he's equal parts frustrated, pissed, and attracted. It's pretty complex, and very passionate.

Every time he kisses her in the movie, he kisses the crap out of her. It's pretty awesome.

Had a fail this week. I've been working on a new design-- little tree houses that light up from inside with flameless candles. First the steel is being really stubborn about rusting. This sometimes happens. Dan tried to help by sanding and applying muratic acid, but all that did was make the steel under the thin layer of surface rust that flakes off when I cut it SUPER silver and shiny. This continues to be a pain.

Next is the scale of the house-- don't like. It got a little big. Also I thought I'd like them covered with pages from an old atlas I found, but-- semi-fail.

I like the roof with a map on it, but I decided I'd like the walls better in a solid color. The floor could still look cool with text as a contrast. The door is totally off scale-- yuck.

My hands have been giving me big problems. I've been trying to figure out why they are so numb. I know it is a nerve thing not a circulation issue. I know my watch was beating my wrist to death when I'd ride this summer but I'd never remember until it was happening, and I wore a ton of bracelets on that arm too and sometimes they'd hike up and get tight. But last night I was working with some pliers and this little explosion went off in my thumb joint that sent little zingy pulses up my arm and down my fingers---- it's the work.

I know there is a surgery for carpal tunnel, but I don't have pain (so far), and I know nerves, like bones, can repair themselves if they don't become severely damaged. I guess I'm looking at this like I do a lot of things in my life-- existentially. It's a redirection. I've known for a long time I don't work in a sustainable way, and have been making plans to change things up. This just confirms that I need to do that.

I'm shooting for finishing up commissions and clearing my calendar for Feb & March to rest my hands and finish my graphics classes and get new idea underway. Stay tuned.

In other SueNews-- If you are a guy do us both a favor and quit reading now. The rest is ~lady stuff~ you do not want to know about. Go away anyone who doesn't want to hear about this. See you next time. :)

Okay-- If you are still reading, it's about to get pretty real.
Omg you guys! I have been in total agony! The following are pics of things that might possibly be lodged in my uterus, according to how it feels:

Metal death ball...

Leggo baby, (sort of borg-like)...

Glass, metal, fiberglass & stale Dorito superstructure of doom...

I'm told things get pretty interesting when the old baby factory begins to shut down, but holy effing crap! It is RIDICULOUS around here. Seriously-- if this was pioneer days I would have for sure been sent into the wilderness to be eaten by bears by now. Actually, I would have probably flung myself at the bears hoping to be devoured, only to have them flee in terror from the crazy woman making guttural pain noises, gushing buckets of gore from her nether-regions. I'm semi-functional about half my life at this point. I seriously get about a week or week and a half of *normal* before the crap begins again and goes for 2 or 3 weeks.

Yes, I am finally breaking down and going to the doctor, and have always gone for my usual yearly exams and I'm 99% sure this is nothing serious-- but DAMN! This being a woman shit is seriously not for wimps. WTH? Uterus??? I am not even using you!!!

Rant over. For now. Anyone else similarly afflicted? Does it ever mellow-out???

It's Mon, where is my mania?

2011-11-28T08:27:00.001-06:00

Hey people. Ray is still completely controlling me with his emanating waves of cuteness. I had to actually stop typing between the words "still" and "completely" to pet him some more and tell him how adorable he is.

I switched my computer to the in-screen camera to show you all how irresistible he is all cuddled-up on my lap between me and the keyboard, but was so horrified by my saggy unmade-up face and frightening hair (went to bed with it wet-- the Russian roulette of hairdo's) that I became sidetracked by giving myself pretend face-lifts for several minutes.

I suppose it is best really, from a "being a good for-real person" stand-point, that I totally missed my window of ever being *hot girl*. It's pretty funny to go along your whole life (not really thinking about it very much) but sort of in the back of your mind thinking ~one day~ you may suddenly peak and look mysteriously amazing and become imbued with that particular confidence the beautiful women possess. Then one day you realize, "Mmm-- probably not going to happen."

Oh well, it really is best to worry only about what's showing from inside of you anyway right? Radiance/happiness/coolness trumps high cheekbones & tight skin? That's what I'm telling myself anyway. Shhhhh.

Last post I talked about wanting to lose weight. So naturally I spent all day Sat cooking a turkey dinner for two and making cookies. Sound plan right?

But these cookies are different. They have a bunch of healthy stuff in them. Some naughty (translate delicious) things in them too, but really, if you're going to ~have a moment of weakness~, you might as well have it with these. I call them "Sierra's". They're inspired by a recipe I found years ago, but I tweaked and tweaked and now it's really my own healthy version.

The secret ingredient: Nuked bananas.

You use these in place of butter and shortening. Nuking them softens them to a very blendable paste, and almost caramelizes them a little, brings out the sugars somehow.

This makes the *dough* very wet, sticky, and batter-like. You have to drop it by spoonfuls.

But they bake-up really nice, and are super yum. Oatmeal, cornflakes, bananas. egg whites, whole wheat flour, a blend of amazing spices (another key component), and some sugars and chocolate and butterscotch chips. What's not to like?

I love experimenting like this. I've been figuring out there are a number of things I enjoy that are all rooted in the same part of my brain as the art/creative stuff. It has to do with building-- fitting together invisible things, like snippets of arguments, evidence, ideas, ingredients-- and stacking and re-stacking them until they turn into an actual thing.

Remember the power lines devastation?

I've been dealing with that again a bit lately, (and a whole host of other trail related stuff). We're at the point where people are conceding that some things need to be fixed. (This is slightly different than admitting "Hey-- we really screwed up and are terribly sorry" in that no one really admits anything.)

When I went over to take measurements etc I got pissed-off all over again. See the huge stump in the pic above right next to the trail? It's almost 20 feet OUTSIDE the easement.

See the stump in the foreground here? See the pink flag on the left? That flag is the easement. 165 trees were taken from outside the easement. Not all were big, true. Only 56 of them were of significant size. 56 big trees, right next to a trail intended to wind THROUGH a woods.

So that's the being pissed-off part. The other part-- the "How do we fix it?" part, taps into that creating part of my brain. Even the arguing about all this does too really, like moving things around on those huge fancy glass computer screens on CSI-- but the fixing it really does, because it starts with the nothing you see in these pics.

Then you begin thinking about it. There is a tape playing, one of many, constantly in the back of your brain. These tapes, unrelated, are all playing. They are about every problem you have, every project you're working on, what you should make next, how to be able to still eat delicious cookies when you're trying to lose 10 lbs, whether you should put another teal streak in your hair, and Christmas preparations. It's like having a bunch of lines in the water.

Then you feel a tug on one of them, and grab that pole. You jerk it up, set the hook, and begin reeling. As you reel you imagine what is on the other end, and as you do, whatever is on the other end begins to actually morph and change. You keep reeling, and the thing keeps changing to match your unfolding ideas, and by the time it breaks the surface it has become an actual thing that you thought up.

THAT, is the coolest feeling in the world.

Seeking the level

2011-11-24T09:38:00.001-06:00

Hey people. Our log splitting session last weekend was a success. The boss (cooltrailbossRich) wasn't around, but the core guys plus 2 showed up and we stacked double the amount we thought we would in record time.

You either get the appeal of trailwork or you don't. It's work, but I like it. Because it's happening at the park it doesn't seem as much like work as doing stuff around your own place for some reason. And there's the camaraderie. It's just a good vibe.

In other Suenews, I'm on a mission to lose weight again. I've reluctantly concluded that much like my energy surges and mood swings, apparently the cycle of getting in shape and to a weight I'm happy about, then getting complacent and letting things slide, and getting all disgusted with myself and feeling like a fat cow again---- is *normal* for me. So the pattern continues.

So here's some of the healthy stuff I'm eating. Healthy can also be yummy. (The gum is sort of a new habit. Trying it out. It seems to do the trick when I want a snack but am not truly hungry.)

Here's what i made for dinner last night-- spicy black bean burgers. The bun got a little over-toasted, but it was still good.

And thankfully, it's clementine and pomegranate season again, and I really like those, so they are good treats instead of grabbing a cookie or whatever.

A friend was drinking a can of Slimfast recently and asked if I wanted any. ~Blech~ I said, "I've never liked those," and they said, "I don't like them either!"-- like "who would??" I guess that's always been my problem as far as eating goes. I'm a hedonist at heart. I have to like my food, and even while eating healthy food that is good, in the back of my head I'm still scheming about what delicious horrible things I'll have *once I'm skinny again.*

So, I've figured this out about myself, and will keep the bitching to a minimum. I have a choice-- break this pattern or just accept it and shut up. For now I'm walking the line of acceptance, trying to be nice to myself about it all, but get back on the healthy horse. If it's always going to be a bit cyclical, I guess I'm okay with that, as long as the margins are sort of narrow.

As far as exercise goes, I'm kind of in the same place. I've always liked it, ever since I discovered how good it makes me feel mentally as well as physically, but I've learned totally killing myself over it doesn't pay off. I just get burned-out, and it doesn't produce results really. I'm best off keeping it fun. Yesterday I hiked with Trusty Pam. Were my lungs exploding? No. But we got out in the beautiful woods and moved and caught up. It was awesome.

A little every day, or a couple times a day, is the key for me. Sometimes I feel like hitting it hard, and then that is fun too. I just go by how I feel that day.

Today I'm going to my Mom's for Thanksgiving, and kicking off the holiday season, which isn't always that easy for many of us. This year I'm going to really make a point of trying to enjoy the good parts of it, and not let the things that bug me about it get too me too much.

I hope all of you have a wonderful relaxing weekend doing whatever it is you choose. Remember-- lots of the hype and craziness is your option. :)

How much wood can a woodsue chuck?

2011-11-17T17:53:00.001-06:00

Hey people. I planned to post a really cool video of my whole process of making the little groupings of trees, but all I have to show for my days of shooting is this one-eyed Lincoln.

This is what happens when you keep $ in your welding shirt pocket.

That video would have been really cool. I got some great close-ups of some sweet sweet welds too, but you'll have to take my word for it, because my computer ate the entire upload. It hiccuped and actually froze my whole external hard drive, with ALL my pictures and videos on it. For some reason I didn't totally freak out. I didn't really allow myself to *go there*. I just figured somehow it would be able to be recovered, and lucky for me it was, all except the last upload.

Oh well. Maybe next time. Maybe I'll show you my next brainstorm-- little lit-up tree houses. We'll see...

In other Suenews-- I'm fat again you guys. I know, I know. I'm not really. But everyone knows how it feels when you put on a few unwanted pounds. No one likes that. And I have a super small frame, so on me, seriously, 3 to 5 lbs is the difference between, *normal*, and *kind of porky*. I can't understand how this could have happened! (~Ahem~ Halloween candy on sale much???)

Oh well. Life goes on. Back in the saddle, so to speak.

Really, what I'm most anxious to do, is just get back to a regular schedule of getting out in the woods an MOVING. I've been working so much, and with it getting colder it had gotten pretty easy to blow off my nightly ride or run and just *keep working*. Tomorrow I'm going to spend all day at the trail tidying up for winter, and am really looking forward to it.

Sunday I'm actually leading my second ever trailwork session-- restocking our firewood pile. So far no one has answered the call for volunteers. Hopefully they're just playing it cool and a few will show up. If not--- gauntlet = thrown down! I will personally stock the biggest frigging woodpile those guys have ever seen just so I can bug them all winter long about being out-worked by a girl.

Prepare for impressive pictures of our team of lumberjacks in front of our massive wood supply-- even if I am the only one in the picture.

Art Life

2011-11-06T10:29:00.000-06:00

Hello people. If you are looking for the artist who makes these trees, you've found her.

If you want to contact me my email is right at the top of the column on the right of this page under "Talk to me".

Right now I'm working on some commissions, and restocking the galleries I work with for the Holiday season. If there's something you'd like before Christmas, you'll need to get on my list within the next week or two or I won't have any openings left.

The things I have left from the 60 on 50th show will be going to galleries in the next couple of weeks, so if you were on the fence about anything, there is only a short amount of time left to purchase them from me personally, at the reduced prices you saw at that show.

Okay, now that I've gotten professional stuff out of the way, I can talk about how it's been for me being in the past two shows.

I had two pretty close together this fall. I worked like crazy getting ready for them, and was left feeling like I wish I had produced more for both of them, but also like I had worked as hard and fast as I could. Being an artist is a really different profession. I've done other work, and have always been sort of an obsessive person. When I was in management, I was all about that--- thought about it almost every waking moment, read tons of books about it, made constant notes on where improvements could be made in our system, etc etc. I've similarly immersed myself in advertising, landscape design, horsemanship, mountain biking... so it's no surprise I'm this way with art too.

I don't like to talk about it very much. I've never been a super academic person, and theory doesn't interest me much. I think the image part of my brain works differently than the verbal part maybe. When I say I'm sort of always working on art, it's because if I'm not actually making something, I'm filling my brain with images. Any down time I have, while watching t.v. or whatever, I'm always cruising image banks on the Internet, just sucking it all in. The mix tumbles around without me over-thinking it too much. That seems important-- letting it roll around unimpeded.

Wow- I said I didn't like to talk about it and I'm going on forever!

I guess I'm trying to get across most of the art thing happens in my own head. When I'm talking to people or goofing around online, it's not about art, but that part of my brain is always on and filtering and sorting and building faint ideas of ideas, like white noise.

At these shows so many people attended who've bought my art over the years, or who've just always wanted to. Art isn't affordable for most people. Wealthy people buy it, and people who really love it and aren't wealthy make a lot of sacrifices to own it. You can't imagine what that means to me. The fact that there are people out there who bother to follow my art, who stop by to tell me about a piece they bought perhaps years ago, and where it is now and how it makes them feel to look at it. It's like they've taken a little of me into their life.

What an amazing compliment and honor.

I don't know how or why I can do what I do exactly. Mostly what I've learned over the years is to try to stay out of my own way. I wish everyone out there could have a job where it felt like they were doing something they were built specifically for, and they could receive the kind of accolades I do for their efforts. All I know is I feel pretty darned lucky.

The walking dead

2011-10-31T09:51:00.000-05:00

Hey people. Yesterday was the big Halloween race at the trail. I didn't race this year-- just helped-out and rode around for fun. The day before we took leaf blowers out on the trail and completely cleared it, all except this one patch of crimson leaves that fell from one maple tree. They were just too pretty to remove.

It was awfully good of that tree to lay a red carpet for Fabulosa. Even the trees know she deserves special treatment.

I had a lot of fun riding around being obnoxious calling people "commoners" and telling them how my bike was made out of Diamonds etc. I love Halloween. I'll be making a video of all the pumpkin smashing mayhem too. It is always a fun party and this year was no exception.

Dan was a zombie. Zombies are all the rage now. What is sort of funny about that to me, is that although none of us look like we're decaying, we all do have an expiration date, and the clock is ticking. We're all marching closer and closer to our mortality, it's just a matter of if you look at it as being busy dying, or busy living.

About a week ago I noticed my hands are getting numb quite often. I have problems with them when I work a lot. They'll cramp up when I ride, for example, and there is a tremor condition that runs in my family so sometimes they shake. The numb thing is sort of new though. Of course the idea popped into my head-- "What if I have some horrible disease like ALS?!" and I went through this whole scenario of what I would do if that were the case before actually googling the symptoms and finding them to be nothing like what I am experiencing. (Whew on that.)

Still it was a good little scare-- a good exercise. We should all step back and look at how we're really spending our time once in a while. If you got a devastating diagnosis--- "You have a disease that will begin inexorably wearing away your physical self in a year, and you WILL BE DEAD in 3 to 5 years"-- What would you do?

Here's what I came up with:

I would for sure spend a lot of time with my friends. This is something I already do, but I'd make more of a point of it, instead of trying to *fit it in* around work etc. I'd want them to have a good time with me though, not be all bummed I was dying. At first I thought I'd not tell them, but then there would be this vibe of disingenuousness in the air, and that would taint those relationships.

Instead I decided I would tell people, but tell them I was undergoing some very hopefull experimental treatment (and if there was one out there I would actually try to get in on that of course). This way people would have some time to process it-- my time might be more limited than theirs, but they could go to the hopeful place that the miracle treatment might work.

I'd want to have adventures, but I enjoy that kind of thing now, so I guess I'd just be more appreciative of them, and purposeful about arranging them.

I'd do a lot of outsidey stuff, like what I enjoy now, but I guess just being more aware of the ticking clock would make me not put off anything I felt like doing. Permission to skip.

There were a number of things I'd continue doing that sort of surprised me--- for sure artwork, but I'd concentrate more on making some significant pieces, not bother with anything that didn't really resonate. Also-- I'd forge ahead with new idea. That kind of surprised me, but I would finish up my classes and delve into that new art form and still try to get that business up and running.

I'd keep working at the trail. It might seem dumb to spend what limited time I'd have left blowing leaves off a mountain bike trail and shoveling dirt, especially since nothing we do over there is a permanent fix, but I would. I enjoy it, and feel helping that park is important to me.

I for some reason thought of getting a dog, because then Dan would have a pal around after I checked-out (which I'd arrange btw-- I wouldn't let things get to the nursing home/ventilator stage), but then I thought better of it. The best thing I could leave him would be the opportunity for a fresh start. He wouldn't need any reminders of what we'd had. It would be part of his DNA.

I'd work on the most frustrating relationship of my life, and try to get that sorted out so that person could get some closure if nothing else.

So now I have some guideposts-- or more accurately have been reminded of them. I feel lucky to be able to just do something like this as a little refocusing excersize, without having do actually deal with such a horrible disease.

So what about you guys? What would you change or keep the same?

The importance of being earnest

2011-10-23T10:35:00.000-05:00

And Sue. Gotta be Sue. Hey people. First things first-- it's me and Dan's 18th Anniversary of being married today (28 of being together-- We lived together for 10 years first, just to, you know, make sure.) Here's my gift. We don't usually *do* gifts, but when I was lusting after a necklace recently he suggested I just go get a bunch of goodies and make an even better one for myself. I sort of made it my gift to justify the extravagance.

What we have isn't about special occasions though, or gifts, it's about how when I feel like nothing, he hugs me and tells me to him I am something, and how we laugh together almost every day, and I never feel completely alone. We know how lucky we are, and that makes us enjoy it all even more.

earnest 1 |ˈərnist|
adjective
resulting from or showing sincere and intense conviction

This is what it says in the dictionary. This week I wrestled with the ~intense~ part a bit. I've been trying to not talk much about this stuff, but screw it-- it's been a big part of my recent life and I guess sharing some of my inner workings with you guys is part of my ~earnestness~.

Almost 2 weeks ago me and ~cooltrailbossRich~ had a meeting with a bunch of guys over the recent devastation at the trail. Bottom line-- the power company contracted a tree company, partially owned (at least partially) by another power company (it seems to me the whole network of various power companies and the tree contractors they all use is kind of incestuously entangled) to ~clear~ brush and trees from their easement which runs through the park where my trail is. It was over-cut, exceeding the easement in many spots. That is a fact-- anyone can check and see that this is so.

*In my opinion*, some of the over-cutting looks as if it was profit motivated. I drew this conclusion by examining which trees were removed, where they were taken from, and the fact that in places attempts were made to conceal that they had been removed--- trees from quite far in the woods, WAY outside the easement, were removed, and the stumps and traces of activity were then covered with brush. Call me crazy, but who takes pains to conceal what they have done usually?--- People doing something wrong, right?

All of this-- the damage, and the fact that it just seemed wrong to me--- like someone was trying to get away with something--- pissed me off. Not just me-- tons of people are upset, but I, being earnest (described by some involved who'd just as soon this all just *go away* as ~eyeroll~ "passionate")
have been a bit like a dog with a bone about this and pushed it pretty far, with the approval and help of cooltrailbossRich of course.

Apparently though, at our meeting, the one where I felt like a dog on a leash because I so wanted to more aggressively question the tree company men, (who I guess I can't PROVE were lying, but did come up with about 3 or 4 implausible conflicting stories before lapsing into total silence) I guess my emotional level was a bit high for the men's comfort. I was super frustrated, and thought for sure those guys were lying right to our faces, and I guess I displayed that. That makes men think you are less credible. Even the men who should have been on our side-- from Parks & Rec.

Here's me after a recent day of trailwork. This is by far not the worst I've looked after working at the trail. Me and the others on the crew have done incredible amounts of work for this place. I've been at sessions where we actually became delirious from our personal tanks running so low, and being so overheated. We've worked past the point of exhaustion many many times.

I've never been involved with a group of volunteers before, so maybe this is just normal, but to see so many people pouring their sweat and energy into this place purely because they love it and want to support it has really opened my eyes.

This ~passionate~ thing really threw me for a loop last week, because I've always known guys don't respond well to high emotion, or volumes of words. I myself have always been uncomfortable by people, usually women, who display a lot of emotion. I have looked down my nose at that, and always thought of myself as pretty contained. It was hard for me to accept how the others perceived me, but fuck it. Yes-- I was and am really pissed about this on a number of levels.

Awareness is a good thing. I'll know more about myself now. I guess as long as my intentions are good, and I'm fighting for what I really believe is right, and am listening to what other people I respect think, I'll have to just accept that emotion is part of the package for me, part of my intensity, which can be used for good. I'm trying to not judge that as a negative trait, just see it as a fact.

I rode with Dan yesterday. My rides and this trail always become metaphorical for me. I did much better than I have in a long time yesterday, making tons of climbs for the first time in months.

My lessons have been not to accept that anything is impossible, but recognize which things are not worth it to me to attempt right now--- a few descents have been taken off my list. They freak me out too much in their present state, scare me, and that erodes the fun for me.

One of the things that has proven most useful for me, is learning how to stand still-- balancing on the bike without any forward progress for a few seconds, so I can regroup and power up some nasty climbs without having to bail-out and put a foot down.

Also-- recognizing which scary things it is better for me to force myself to overcome. Sometimes I DO have to push myself outside my comfort zone, for my own personal growth:

Riding the trail is all about that balance between climbing and descending, strategizing it all-- learning all the different skills, mental and physical. Challenges, joy, acceptance, fear, failure, determination, and success. It's all there to learn from and about.

The end of the story hasn't been written yet about the trees and the trail and the over-cutting. We are waiting for the power company & the city to come up with some kind of restitution agreement which we're told will take about 2 weeks more. Meanwhile I'm trying to get over my anger at the whole situation-- the damage, the unfairness of being dismissed as ~eyeroll~ "passionate", and the idea that there will always be people around who will try to get away with whatever they can.

If nothing else, a lot of people have been put on notice that this little patch of woods has a lot of eyes on it, and a lot of people who are pretty damned ~earnest~ about protecting it.

Riddle you this

2011-10-15T17:55:00.000-05:00

Hey people. I haven't posted for ages because I've been up to my neck in work and waging a battle that isn't over yet. I can't even say too much about it because of this, but those who know me, know when I choose to get involved in something I'm basically like a duck on a June bug-- obsessed! This thing has taken up so much time, energy, and brain that it's practically blotted out everything else.

So here's what will be a necessarily cryptic account, until I can tell you the real deal and how it all went down, once it's actually resolved. This will be, what one pal calls ~riddle-y~.

Let's just say, if you mess with her, or her house, I'm not going to be happy.

Some may say, "Yeah? So?", but those people have never actually been in big trouble with me. Let's just say I can be a very good person to have on your side. If I decide to go to battle against you though, I can spend hours and hours just thinking of all the angles and possible ways to mess you up.

I know how the world works, that everything isn't always going to go your way. Everything isn't---

But every once in a while, there are injustices so egregious or situations so unbearable that you just have to act. Sometimes when the adversity seems especially impossible, this perverse part of me wakes up that sort of enjoys the challenge of this.

There is another aspect to challenges like this. I'm always kind of, okay-- not kind of--- completely surprised that everyone else isn't as outraged as me. This situation had tons of people really really pissed off, but nothing much was really actually happening. This is often the case, and I think it's something people who do bad shit sort of count on--- that people will just be too lame to interfere and they'll just get away with it. Guess again assholes.

What good is working from home, on your own schedule, and being one of the world's most tenacious shit-stirrers if you're not going to, occasionally, you know, stir some shit? So I dove into researching. If you're going to go to war over something, rule #1 is-- know what you're talking about. By the time I figured stuff out connected to this particular battle, (as is always the case), I knew more than I ever imagined I would about a topic I'd never given much thought to before.

Time to begin making my case.

This is where I have to make an admission. I claim, at times, to be all about good vibes and positivity, and for the most part that is true. But there is another side of me that rather enjoys a good fight I guess, especially one I can win. And I only fight for stuff I really believe in. That seems to fuel my passion and make me fight very hard. See? You want me on your side.

If your opponent is very formidable the challenge is greater, but so is the victory.

There is this very useful tool now, that evens the playing field considerably. When you're doing research though, you still need to do actual leg-work too--- go to physical locations and talk to people in person. It's worth it though, and really good for the overall battle, because it gives you time to process everything and think of all the angles.

So while there has been quite a bit of this----

There has also been a lot of collecting information from useful experts, strategizing with a partner in crime, and thinking about how to turn a really rotten deal by people determined to profit from it and cover it up, into an eventual positive outcome.

There have been times I've felt very angry about the situation that has sparked all this, and frustrated by others incompetence or lack of interest, and one day in particular that I felt like a mad dog snapping at the end of my leash. Luckily, ~partner in crime~ played it cool and I was ~mostly~ able to keep a lid on it. But I totally wanted to back the guys blatantly lying to our faces into the woods with chest pokes.

Now the hard part-- waiting. We presented our case, and have given the people involved the chance to be cool about this and step up and fix it properly. Either that will happen, or the war will go on to phase 2, which our opponents will enjoy even less than phase 1.

Stay tuned.

Fabulosa

2011-10-02T17:33:00.003-05:00

Hey people. We are used to thinking of the time we spend broken up into memorable chunks. So much so, that sometimes we think of our memories as the fabric of our lives. But what if that changed? What if something happened in your brain that made storing new memories tougher-- so that sometimes certain chunks just got randomly deleted? It would definitely mess with you, and those around you a bit. You, and they, may be forced into being more ~in the moment~ when together, detached from whether a memory was being created or not. The time spent together, once up, may simply *expire*, and everybody would just have to accept that.

Interesting thought problem. Interesting and challenging situation. Possibly comforting to know that the people who like you and enjoy spending time with you still will, even if they have to think of it differently as time goes on? Just when you think you've got it mostly figured out, life always manages to throw a new curve ball.

But we generally don't like changes do we? Ones thrust upon us, that we have no control over? So it was last week at my beloved trail. There was a new law passed mandating that everything within the easement area had to be razed to the ground. Pretty sure the guys contracted to do the work were less upset about the devastation this meant to our woods than us local trail lovers though. In fact, it seems like they were sort of giant assholes about it, and exceeded their boundaries in many spots.

This patch of trail used to be at least 10 feet inside the woods. I'd really like to take a 50 foot rope over there and walk the easement off and paint lines where they should have cut, and have the parks maintenance director go over and look at all the places they took out huge trees that should have been left alone (if my suspicions are confirmed.) In my opinion this project was completely lacking in supervision, with disastrous results to our forest/trail. It's done now. Nothing can reverse it, but I still am intensely curious about this, and feel very violated about it and want someone to be held somewhat accountable if it was the hack job I think it was. Stay tuned. Maybe. Lots of people are pretty pissed off about this.

Perhaps incongruously, I have been coveting (secretly) a trail work buddy's small chainsaw I called ~the Barbie chainsaw~. I sort of want one, and want to learn how to safely use one so I can help more when trees go down at the trail, and also for all the fallen trees on our property that I could turn into firewood.

Someone mentioned how I used to post more about my cats last night. We went to this little bonfire party in our woods--- us, our neighbors, a few friends, and some friends of theirs who are musicians. They played music around the fire until like 2 a.m. I guess. We didn't last that long but it was really fun. Anyway--- Ray's efforts to poison us with cutosterone continue. He's decided the fuzzy pillow I got myself recently is ~his~. He's seriously in love with it. He sleeps on it every night. I'm now calling it his pillow mommy.

Oh-- this was super funny--- at the gathering last night a friend asked, "Do you still have six?" referring to my cats. I grimaced and said, "Oh God no! And even when we did-- it's not like we did on purpose." Soon found out everyone else thought she'd asked, "Do you still have sex?"

Here's a cool pic of Tina someone took last week at the night race at the trail. They're done for the year now. Some of you may remember last year I felt compelled to try racing in the dark. Not this year. Never say never, but am just not ~racy~ right now. Still fun to go help out and hang out at the bonfire & watch etc.

With one exception. At the end of the month is the annual Halloween race, and as usual, I'll be attending. Or I should say, Fabulosa Renard will be.

Yes, that's right--- international jet setting socialite Fabulosa Renard will be racing, sort of.

She doesn't go in much for rules and such. "Rules are for commoners," she's been overheard saying.

There may be some deviations from the official course when she wanders off in search of a waiter. Whatever happens it will undoubtedly be interesting.

There are few things more fun than riding my bike around in a costume. I actually have to choose, every year, from my many many awesome costume ideas. If somehow money could be made off this I'd be golden! If anyone in my neighborhood (~A-hem~) is up for this on actual Halloween, let me know. We could ride all over town spreading fabulousness.

Lastly, because I know, every facet of my life IS endlessly intriguing--- I'm doing a bunch of experiments trying to figure out a way to have my hair work out so it is curly (because there is no practical way to fight this without a full time staff of professionals apparently), NOT frizzy, and doesn't take an hour. Actually I'm trying to get time spent messing with my hair down to about 5 minutes a day. Here's me waking up in the morning (cute I know, no make-up-- ~the horror~) trying for no effort "day 2" hair.

It's not really any more of a rat's nest than usual, so I'm calling it a success. If anyone with curly hair wants in on this system, we have a small emailing list discussion group for info sharing. Let me know. You know something has to be done when you find yourself actually being envious of Shawn White's hair, and you are a girl.

Moar Nort Shore

2011-09-24T23:41:00.002-05:00

Hey people. We spent more time at the north shore on this trip than any other, and still felt like we needed another week to see everything and do everything we wanted. On our last morning we optimistically flagged 5 river trails to check out, and thought we'd get a little trail riding in too-- ha! We got to 2 hiking trails.

First up-- the Caribou. We've hiked this before, but the trail veers away from the rather tame looking river almost right away. On past trips we've messed around in the river a bit and decided it was boring and moved on--- but now we had a guidebook that assured us a super cool waterfall was further up the river. In the end we couldn't resist the lure of the river and diverted off the trail as we have in the past, wondering why on earth the builders didn't just make the trail go where everyone would obviously want to hike--- near the river! (Here's how I found Dan when I turned around after telling him to pose however he wanted -- ~freak~ lol)

A bit further up we spotted a huge boulder right in the middle of the river that had to be checked out. I had to actually jump over the little waterfall deal on the right to make it over there, which felt pretty darey to me.

We soon found out why the trail had been put where it was. We came to a bend where the deer trail we were navigating disappeared into the river itself. The bank became a nearly vertical, spring riddled, muddy embankment probably 50 feet tall. Without even talking about it we began climbing straight up. You had to just look for the next hand or foot hold, and the next, progressing steadily before wherever you were grabbing or had dug your toe in gave way because it was all soft, a wall of mud basically. You couldn't count on roots you grabbed supporting your full weight, so you had to distribute it between several limbs at once, and most importantly-- keep moving.

By the time we reached the top I was pretty maxed-out, and my calves were on fire. Far below we could see the giant boulder. We just made a huge climb! It was one of those "We kind of screwed-up, but getting out of it was pretty fun too" moments.

We found the actual trail again right on top of the bluff, and stuck to it until we got to a huge set of stairs disappearing down the cliff again. At the bottom the steps went right to the water, where your only option was to pick your way on rocks if you wanted to explore. Caribou falls was def worth the journey.

In summer this would be an awesome spot to wade around. The pool was only about knee deep. Dan was braver about hopping rock to rock. I didn't feel so sure footed, and didn't want to spend the rest of the day with cold wet feet (or more).

He added a stone to a tower someone had started, then we moved on to our next trail.

Next up was the Split Rock River, which our book said was the most waterfall-packed section of river anywhere on the north shore. It was a bit of a let-down because most of the river views were blocked by forest, and a lot of the trail ran along cliffs high above the water. The trail was extremely rough-- slippery washed-out areas, rock slides, and off-camber wood plank walkways with no railings that were slicker than just walking in the mud-- all on the precipice of a high, stony bluff. There was a bridge replacement operation going on in the beginning where they were choppering in materials. That was pretty interesting to see in action.

Eventually we made it in far enough to a spot where the trail descended to river level, but it was a surprisingly tough hike. The river was gorgeous though once we got down there, and there was tons of cool rocks and moss.

I have kind of a thing for moss, and the rocks here were so cool-- how they fractured and were encrusted with varieties of lichen. I had Dan take this not very good picture of me to commemorate my lichen love. Two seconds later, mere feet away... We spotted----

THIS!

Those who know me can well imagine the spaz-fest this spawned. After I danced around ooging-out for a few minutes swearing rampantly, I HAD to get a better look-- to make sure it was real, and if so, determine if it was alive or dead. I just have to know these things. So I poked it with a stick and it wiggled a few inches away as I leapt about squealing spouting more profanity. Finally Dan coaxed me away. Now progress was somewhat slower as every foot of trail had to be scanned for more snakes. At random intervals for the remainder of our trip I'd utter things like, "God, that snake was SO disgusting!", and, "The whole north shore is RUINED now!"

Seriously you guys--- it was right near me!!!

Anyway, we did manage to keep hiking and enjoy ourselves, even at this very trail. There were about 3 spots to get to the river itself, and although this trail really made you work hard for it, they were pretty cool.

Here's where we ate lunch, after, of course, searching thoroughly for snakes.

Here is the ~split rock~ for which the river is named. It looks really cool in person, and not at all pervy right? Nuff said there.

This bridge looked rather sketchy but was our only option aside from retracing our steps over miles of very rough, and possibly snake infested trail. I supposed it was possible snakes couldn't make it across the river and only lived on the one side, and dashed across. (Snakes don't cross wooden bridges.) (I'm pretty sure, anyway.)

After hiking, no joke- for about 4 hours (!), I was feeling pretty *done*. I was now hungry, thirsty, and my legs were actually sore (and as you know a main hobby of mine is running around in a pretty hilly woods, so....) Anyway, we began climbing again (the whole thing was a climb either up or down really) and eventually emerged above the treeline. If you look above the second pine on Dan's left, you can just see the chopper delivering more building materials to the work site. (You probably have to click on the pic to actually see this.) (It's basically a dot, so, not a huge thrill anyway.) Surely we must be getting near the end of this trail by NOW...

I scanned the panorama laid out below us. If you look at the end of my finger, you can probably make out a small whitish smudge, which is the parking lot where our car was parked. I laughed, I cried, I kept frigging hiking.

This was actually pretty fun if I reminded myself I do enjoy walking in the woods, and if someone asked, "Hey, want to just hike around all day long and climb up and down muddy embankments and rock slides?" I'd probably shrug and go, "Okay, what the heck." But this trail was a little disappointing because we were hoping to see waterfalls, not just hear them, and it was a fucking haul! There was beauty, lots of it, but we both agreed the DNR does a horrible job of signing their trails. The ones with cool stuff just down the trail don't really let you in on that, don't promote the amazing feature the trail leads to, and don't tell you much about how long or hard the hike will be. It's like they need someone from a marketing or customer service background to help with their communications.

All in all though--- my god this state has a lot of super cool stuff you can go look at and enjoy for absolutely free. Holy balls are we lucky someone had the foresight to set aside so many natural areas. I don't think I'll ever tire of being in nature, or hanging out with Dan. :)

Da nort shore

2011-09-21T22:56:00.000-05:00

Hey people. It's been a long time (~since I've seen your smiling face~) -- Sorry-- That *Cake* song just leaped into my mind. Dan and I were trying to remember the last time we took a trip to the north shore that wasn't an up-and-back-in-one-day art drop. Probably at least 5 years--- before moving to the enchanted forest, before our last two cats, before mountain biking... Long time. Happy to report it is still awesome.

We've always both liked hiking around and checking stuff out. Dan, like most guys, is fascinated by sheer rock faces with drops of 20, 30, 1000 feet that would kill you dead if you happened to slip on the edge of them. He HAS to stand on the very edge of these and peer over into the abyss while I chew my lip and take puffy breaths and try not to suck all the fun out of it for him. "Cool," he says.

Occasionally we get to a ledge I'm brave enough to scale down too where I proclaim, "If you can do it SO CAN I!"

I always make him take a couple in case the first one turns out like the one above-- heh heh.

But mostly we hike, and hike and hike, and see cool stuff and say stuff like, "Isn't this cool? Isn't this awesome? Aren't you super glad we both like doing stuff like this???"

Hiking is different from normal walking (for me anyway). At the north shore a lot of the trails are laced with large roots, because there is about 6" of topsoil sitting on solid bedrock in most areas, and large rocks, so you have to look where you're going, but also don't want to miss anything so there's this rhythm you get into where you'll scan about 10 feet in front of you, and look up and around as you go, and stop when you really want to see something so you don't trip and go flying into a rocky gorge.

In addition to the terrain being rough, when it rains (as it did our first couple days on and off), the solid surfaces you do find to step on become slippery. You can never be sure the foot you plant will stay cooperatively put.

So (if you're me) you adopt this very light footed method of never quite putting all your weight heavily on one foot, but sort of plotting your next footfall one move ahead so you can be stepping to your next *spot* practically before your foot touches the last *spot*. It's a little like dancing, a little like trail running, but slower. The other option, often necessary along narrow ledges etc, is to just go really slow and be super careful.

Here's Dan in a rare moment of actually carrying the pack. He said it wasn't his color, but when my shoulders got tired he gallantly offered to take it, saying, (it had begun raining quite heavily at the time) "That's okay, because if I slip off the trail, people will think I'm a girl when they see this Hello Kitty backpack and come save me."

We hiked the upper Gooseberry (most people don't even know about this and just check out the admittedly impressive lower and middle falls-- but if you go, hike the upper-- worth it!), the Cascade of course-- one of our fav's (but this time we went ALL the way-- more in a minute on that), what our hiking guidebook calls "the rowdy Onion", and the upper Temperance. Dan found dangerous precipices to peer over and rushing torrents to stand too close to at all of these.

By going farther up, and exploring more vigorously, we found cool stuff most people miss-- like a bunch of little odd caves. I told Dan to go pretend he was a caveman for this shot.

Also amazing tumbles of mossy boulders, and hidden streams, secret pools.

We hiked the Cascade ALL the way to the end this time. We couldn't even tell, at the end, where the trail had gone-- it disappeared. By process of elimination we decided it did not go into the raging river itself, now bordered by vertical rock cliffs at least 30 feet tall-- impossible to even consider scaling. We started climbing across a stream on scattered boulders, and climbed over a fallen pine, and scrambled along what looked like nothing more than a muddy skidding deer trail along the lower edge of a rocky bluff turning back into the woods away from the river. That's where we found-- the secret waterfall!

It was a little private canyon bordered on all sides by tall cliffs. The stream running from these falls was the only access in or out, unless you were up for climbing up the falls, which we weren't. But it was super cool, just because we were pretty sure 99% of people never make it this far. We were pretty psyched to find it.

This photo doesn't capture the maddening height of this cliff, nor was it possible to catch a pic of Dan tottering around the edge before finally getting down on the ground, because I was also laying in my own death defying spot, having a giant heart-attack and hyperventilating. He tried to snap me being all daring, but, as usual, I just look like I'm pooping my pants. It was seriously HIGH!

The Onion was a fun trail just because it was not even really a trail. There is a parking lot in front of a giant cliff with no trail access. On one end is a big rock slide. I joked that "that must be the trail head because it is closest to the handicapped spot." Bing-fricking-go. It was a mad scramble up and down. We were sure we were going to get taken out by giant falling rocks. Once we found "the trail", which they seem to be in the process of building it was cool. I LOVED the moss.

The ~trail~, such as it was, turned into nothing more than a deer trail skirting dizzyingly high cliffs-- over grown with small pines and brush, strewn with fallen trees. You couldn't ever even get a very good look at the river we could hear roaring somewhere miles below us (it seemed), but was still fun because of the adventuring factor.

Gah-- this is L-O-N-G. Sorry guys! We hit the upper Temperance still wet from our rainy Onion adventure-- just before dark. It was a short hike from a Superior Hiking Trail trailhead we found off an access road, and was def worth checking out--- tons of cool potholes next to respectably terrifying roaring falls through a rocky gorge.

Some potholes were bigger than others. Some would be AWESOME to dip into on a hot day I bet.

Dan, as is his custom, had to perch dangerously at the edge of a roaring chasm (while I took shallow, puffy breaths, and shuffled tentatively too close to my own rocky outcropping's edge, to take his picture. The things you do for love.

Oh, who am I kidding? We both love all this stuff! Tomorrow?--- more hiking! AND-- mountain biking on some cross-country ski trails we found today. :)

Stuffffffffff

2011-09-09T16:14:00.000-05:00

Hey people. This is going to be one of those posts. There is a ton going on, leading me to conclusions and things I'm learning. I'm trying to do that-- learn, & adapt as I go.

Here's a shot of a new plant we stuck in this year that finally bloomed. It's kind of out of the box for me, but Dan liked it and I have to say it's pretty cool looking-- almost impossibly bright. I love how nature puts colors together. I'd never have put eggplant with orange and red, but there ya go. Stunning. Good lesson-- stay open.

Here's a pretty accurate one of me right now--- the little tag hanging down says "take risks". The stones in the wrap bracelet are called "adventurine", which sounds adventurOUS. The clock is ticking always. How are you going to spend your time? I'm married (the rings), and kind of old. My hands, like other parts, might look kind of gnarly, but are good and strong and mostly work okay. All in all-- not doing too bad. But all that is a choice for me, since I have no disease or disability. How I choose to see things, and how I choose to live-- aware and alive and committed.

Committed. It's very strange, given my personality, and I feel lucky that the universe plunked Dan down in front of me and I caught on that this was the right thing for me. I'm *all in*, come hell or high water. And as you can see by my googley eyes of love it's genuine.

This will make him mad, ~oversharing~, but it's pertinent and been on my mind. Not long ago we had a HUGE fight, probably one of the biggest of our whole marriage. Now that it's resolved it all seems really small and dumb, but at the time it seemed colossal, like, I knew we'd stay married, because that is the deal, but I honestly didn't know how we'd fix things. So much had been said, out loud.

I remember thinking, "Now I guess we'll become one of those couples, who have a marriage held together by grim determination," and it made me so sad, because of the impending loneliness. Because when you are married there is a specific place in your life reserved for that one person, and if there gets to be an empty space there, for whatever reason, and you are still married, (as I always will be), it is inappropriate to try to fill that spot with anything or anyone else. It stays empty until that person comes back to occupy it. That leaves a rather noticeable, ragged hole in your life.

Lucky for us, we figured everything out in about a day, and went back to being ourselves, maybe a little more appreciative even, than we were before the fight. All this is hard, and not always fun, but it's what we signed-up for. I can look at him and project into the far future-- one of us will die in the other's presence probably. One of us may have to take care physically of the other, to watch and wait. It's part of it all--- that commitment. That's the deal. And I'm fine with it. It's worth it.

Life can be a heartbreaker. I know people who are so afraid of everything that could go wrong they only live half a life, one foot on the brake at all times, and see things through a veil of their own making. I feel bad for all they miss. I make a concentrated effort to stay plugged-in. You have to let yourself feel a lot of things and trust it will all be worth it. You have to do the work. It's not effortless. It's a choice though.

Lately I've sucked at mountain biking because of not being able to do it very often. Some people I know have been at it so long and are so good at it it's pretty natural for them I think. I, on the other hand, have to work really hard to just be *okay* at it, but to me it's worth it, because of moments like this---

That make me do this---

These pics are all from last year because it's not something where there's usually a camera around or anyone watching even. I do it alone quite a bit. Something changed this year where I decided I for sure don't want to get horribly mangled, like paralyzed or in adult diapers or whatever for this hobby. I've pulled back from a couple things I used to ride last year even though I was terrified every single time. White knuckling it was an adrenaline rush, but not a fun one for me, and I decided the fun was the most important part.

Here's the thing though--- it's still hard work. Right now I'm having to go back, maybe not to square one, but probably to square two or three, and sort of force myself to ride some stuff I do know I can ride--- that I've always tackled with no real issue. I lost my confidence, and some of my skills got rusty.

Today I went over determined to ride the entire trail no matter how long it took or how much I sucked. It took me longer than it had been before my hiatus, and I didn't *make* everything, but then again I did make some challenging stuff, and it was fun. I had to change my approach---- I can't ride for a best lap time right now-- it's just not practical and will only make me feel like a failure. I had to allow myself to go into some wuss gears in order to make some climbs--- get over it-- this ain't the Olympics.

I made a choice I still want this activity in my life, and I'll do it in whatever capacity I'm able. I made a choice to push a little, put in the work needed to regain some of the ground I've lost, but also to be okay with maybe never being a total all-star at this. I can be good enough at it to have fun at it though. Choices.

What are some choices you guys have made lately? Even if things are hard, or involve some pain, would you make the same choice? Do you even look at your life in this way--- full of choices you make?

I wanna

2011-09-03T15:11:00.000-05:00

Hey people. The show opened last night. It's my first day off in a couple of months, and it is weird. I wandered out to my shop this morning, which is a disaster, and although my head is still full of ideas, for the first time in recent memory, I have nothing underway, or pressing.

There is something comforting in purpose. A rightness. I'm a bit surprised, but I'm actually anxious to get back to work, although maybe at a slightly less frantic pace. There are other itches surfacing too, from other parts of my life, like that feeling that it is time for some thrills, and to reconnect with people.

Here's what I want:

I want to go for long runs in the woods, and to listen to this song a bunch of times.

I want to make unlikely things, improbable things.

I want to take what I've learned and explore ideas that aren't fully formed yet.

I have an idea about that-- about things we can't quite make out, and how that sense of mystery draws us in. I have ideas of how to visually express that.

I want to ride my bike, and go kayaking, and shopping. Yes, even shopping with friends, something as sort of mundane as that, is something I'm looking forward to. I haven't seen my family in a long time. I owe my grandma some dates.

I want to get back to having adventures. I want my friends to play hooky and do some fun stuff with me. I want the perfect balance of not feeling that crazy pressure that sort of wrecks me physically now, but always having something in the pipeline, and managing to have fun and stay connected too.

Yep- my hair is all wild again.

2011-08-25T20:26:00.000-05:00

Hey people. Okay-- so I blabbed on FB about coloring my hair all weird again, then forgot to post pics. So here ya go. As you can see-- not as super dramatic as one might expect when you hear there were 5 different colors involved. I only did the layers underneath. I want the option of looking semi-normal at times. I think this shot was from before I reapplied the teal. That light green stuff became aqua.

It looks cool in a pony tail, or kind of funs-up an otherwise boring old ponytail at least.

And I can do stuff with pulling back some layers and letting more of the colors show through or not as I choose. I have to tweak it just a bit more-- the way back needs more purple to balance out the color distribution, but all in all-- I like. It's a creative expression thing for me, and since I'm an artist and can get away with stuff like this-- hey-- why not? I'll never be a tat or piercings gal, but doubt I'll ever really tire of fooling with my hair.

The only other stuff that has gone on around here lately is art. No matter how much I plan to pace myself for shows, I always get near then end and freak out about how little work I have. I started preparing for this show over 2 months ago, but the first pieces I made were super time consuming. So now here I am working double shifts the last week like always.

Anyway, here's another horse, slightly larger than the other 3. This is just the framing, which I'm showing you because deciding that I am pretty darn good at framing in my shapes led to a new idea this week, but more on that in a minute.

So that was "before", and here's "after." I cut 2 sizes of circles out of a sheet of blue steel I've been saving just for this guy. I wanted him to be very tranquil, as opposed to the other more animated pieces. I'm pretty happy with him.

So-- new technique. It's kind of funny because I made those other 3 horses, covering them with paper and just went, "Wow, I like how those came out! Okay, what to make now? Hmm Hmm Hmmmmm..." and went about working on other stuff like that experiment was an unrelated anomaly. I farted around for an entire afternoon after finishing the blue horse and none of my planned designs were working out. Nothing was clicking and I began to kind of spaz-out.

I started sketching just anything to get ideas rolling and some botanical forms came up (that's what happens when you hang out in the woods a lot). The sketches became designs when I went-- "The paper, dummy!" I could keep exploring covering my frameworks with paper, cool different kinds of handmade papers.

So the sketches, became sculptures.

I like how the shapes suggest natural forms, but are completely made-up.

One thing I like about them too, is their simplicity makes them feel contemporary, and I can play with one of my favorite aspects of sculpture-- balance.

Also the papers available are super cool. There are tons of varieties, and it's fun to have a new toybox to rummage around in. I've got several more ideas in the hopper, and now it's just a race to the finish. How much can I get done by next Wed?

Wish me luck!!

"Ahhhh!" ~runs around~

2011-08-23T08:15:00.000-05:00

Hey people. Just checking in quick. OMG. I have been working my BUTT off, and it has been going so slow people. I am seriously panicking. The stuff I have is looking awesome, but I can't believe how long everything is taking. I just keep telling myself the only thing worse than not having very many pieces, is having not very many sub-par pieces. Every one has to be primo.

Forget riding and almost everything else. It's total crunch time!

One thing that got in my way yesterday was having a bunch of ideas that translate great to wall art. Nothing wrong with that--- except that for this show I've been asked to limit myself to free standing pieces.

Here is the idea I was stuck on--- A friend sent me this pic of me. It's actually one of the better pics of me I've seen. What I like about it is my image is undefined, while the background, my surroundings, are clear. I'm sort of out of sync. Also, what registers is-- human, female, happy. Something about it captures me better than an ordinary photo that *turned-out* would have.

Then I found these digital art pieces. Any guesses what this is? (I love the texture and colors)

The one above is every Playboy centerfold from the 90's layered on top of each other. The one below is every centerfold from the 60's.

What is so cool about these to me, is sort of like the picture of me-- the photos intent was to capture a physical form-- in Playboy's case the entire focus of the image was the physical form alone, but what these blurred images present is really something closer to what I picture our souls being like.

The idea isn't fully formed, but it's definitely in my brain fermenting. It needs to translate into 3D for me to make sculptural use of it. It may happen, may not. Now that I've turned it loose and told you guys about it that is less likely actually.

So yesterday I finished the last of my horses for the show, then ran into the creative wall-- no ideas. I paged through my sketchbook and fiddled with some ideas but nothing was gelling. I was so frustrated I literally was almost crying. I am under a ton of pressure right now and can't afford these kinds of delays!

Finally, right at the end of my workday lightning struck and I got one idea with many possible permutations, and I'm really excited about it because it could be a whole new technique for me that will expand my sculpture work significantly if it works. Last night at trail work it was nearly all I could think of. Images flickered through my head and I'm sure the poor guy I was paired with to shovel dirt thought I was super boring. Oh well.

Today I'm starting on this new batch of art and only have a week to come up with a significant number of new pieces. No matter how many I'm able to complete, each one has to represent my best work. Wish me luck you guys. My next post will probably not be until after I've delivered everything for the show.

Running rings

2011-08-12T15:55:00.000-05:00

Hey people. Doing battle on several fronts right now. The show preparations continue. I'm about to get into it with my city over a dispute affecting us and 18 other homes (I've been mistaken for a lawyer a couple of times in the past-- Nope, I am just good at research, and arguing), and, I'm having to figure out a bunch of other unrelated financial stuff (refinancing), and, while I can and have slogged my way through this kind of negotiating before, math stresses me out, as do people trying to take advantage of me. ~Stressful week.~

Whew---- b r e a t h e Sue. I keep reminding myself my most important and pressing task at hand is preparing for this show, and getting to work in the world's prettiest welding shop every day isn't half bad.

Plus-- I get to have both sets of doors open the the air, and it was finally not hot as balls this week. MUCH more pleasant. How cool looking is this guy?

Also, I get to take a little stroll in the woods on my lunch break when I feel like it. This path is right outside my shop.

Moment to moment life is swell. I just have to mellow out, sort of, because I am a more strategic thinker under pressure, and I need that aspect of myself right now--- but--- can't stress all the way out. Not good for art making. :)

So--- remember this?

It led to this---

Doesn't look like much, does it? In my brain though, which thinks in 3-D, little tetris blocks were dropping rapidly into place. The sketch, became this lay-out. Get it yet?

Okay, you probably STILL can't tell what it is, but trust me, when the glass top comes for it, it will be *awesome*. It's a side table, like for behind a sofa or along a wall. The rings reminded me of water. This pic doesn't do it justice, but I'm happy with it.

The other idea that painting generated was this-- which I think is done, but I have to look at for a few days. I might add more rings. They suggest mass w/o blocking all light/ view of branches. Me likey.

Now onto the next project-- a bench, whose back will look something like this---

Besides all this, the other thing I've been working on this week is riding. I got Dan to go with me one day, and rode alone another. I just need to get lots of hours in on the bike right now. Some people mistake me for a half-way good rider, but I think I'm actually very habitual, and visual. I learn my lines at the trail by chipping away at them lap after lap, and when they change, it takes me a while to find my *new way* that works for me to ride a certain part.

I kind of like that, even though it's hard. I both like and dislike it. When I'm doing that I can only really think of riding, and that's a nice break. But it is shoving me out of my comfort zone. Probably good for me, but I was finally feeling like I was hitting my stride.

The visual part reminds me of a horse I used to have that was a total spaz-- he'd arch his neck and swing his rump around at the slightest oddity, afraid of everything. Now that the trail looks so different, I find myself staring at rocks that are now more exposed, potholes that have developed, and washed-out ruts resembling gully's, thinking "oh--- scary! Don't ride there!" and of course my bike heads directly for whatever I am looking at---- just like horseback riding.

I'm working on de-spazzing--- looking where I want to go, and trying to keep everything bent and staying loose in attack position. This is the hardest thing for me--- to ride loose enough to float over the rough stuff, when I'm scared to death. Psychotically, I continue to somewhat enjoy this challenge, even as it frustrates me.

Help name the chair

2011-08-07T18:02:00.006-05:00

Hey people. On Sat we had visitors-- Mom and the kids came to our back yard.

All baby animals are adorable.

A little while later, surprisingly, dad (?) joined the group. They all hung out for a while eating my garden. I rationalized gardens are really for looking at, and at the moment I'd rather look at these guys than a bunch of mostly spent flowers anyway, so I let them munch. Mom let him stay until he began acting rambunctious around the kiddies, then ran him off. He may wear the antlers, but she wears the pants I guess.

Dan was gone all weekend, so I went through my usual feelings when he goes out of town-- like I should do something kind of out-there and rowdy, but instead, as usual, just rented sub-titled movies and pigged-out. I don't know why I still have this thing about him being gone =ing me eating bad, but I can't seem to stop myself. I made the little known delicacy *baked m-and-m's* (which is where you put m-and-m's in a hot oven for a couple minutes. For some reason this makes them exponentially more awesome.)

I told myself I'd go running in the morning to off-set the damage. "I'll run like the wind!" (Yeah, provided the wind feels like a big fatass now.) Oh well. Whatever.

I didn't run, but did work all weekend. I finished the *most awesome chair ever* that I bragged about all over facebook. Can you help me come up with a cool name for it? Here 'tis:

I'm not actually going poo. This is just how I often look in pictures, unfortunately. Despite my pained expression, the chair is SUPER comfortable. I built a lumbar support into it, and a head rest, and made the ottoman at a slight angle, and a tiny bit shorter than the seat of the chair so your legs don't fall asleep.

Here is a side view. The cushions are cream colored. I need to get a neck pillow to go with it. The one shown is ours I just used for an example. The best part, is while you are seated, you are surrounded by your own private woods. you see branches and leaves all around you and it's really relaxing.

As is usual for my process of getting a show together, work begets work, and nothing gets me working fast and hard like the deadline of a show. When I'm not actually welding, I'm sketching, or looking at Pinterest. Check it out. I'll scan the images scrolling through pretty fast, and then something like this will snag my attention.

I usually am not sure why at first, so I'll stop and just stare at it while my brain starts it's own flip-book of accompanying, related images. The pictures sort of leapfrog very quickly from one idea to the next until I get one, or in this case two completely new ideas generated from the root image.

When you see what this spawned you'll probably be sort of surprised.

Right now I have ideas in the pipeline for a blue horse, 3 tables, a table-top sculpture, and a wall piece, and that's just what has come *on-line* (in my brain) in the last couple days. When I'm working like this I only wish my hands could work faster. I hope the momentum of my pace can pull these ideas from my brain into the physical world like cars on a freight train.

Challenging times

2011-08-04T21:29:00.001-05:00

Hey people. I've had a hard time gearing-up to post anything lately because I just don't feel I have much interesting to say. I guess more accurately, I feel too blurred to put together a very coherent post. I feel scattered and undefined and sort of like I'm running down a hill-- too tired to stop myself. But, what the heck-- here goes---

One thing that has been taking massive amounts of time and physical energy lately is the trail. This is one of my trail-work shirts after a day of pulling buckthorn. I have never been as hot and dirty and sweaty in my life as I have in the last month.

My activities at the trail are simple on the surface--- there is tons and tons of physical work to be done over there, and only a handful of volunteers willing/able to do it. I've committed myself to this. Physical work in and of itself could not be more simple--- show up on time, work your ass off, do what is asked, and contribute mentally also-- ideas. There is something gratifying about accomplishing physical work, a boiled-down-ness. When I make up my mind to do something, I bring it full-force.

This is where it gets more complicated. My commitment to the trail gets all tangled up in the friendships I've formed with the rest of the crew, and a strong desire to keep a hand in and *know what's going on*-- sort of a control thing I guess, how I approach things I worry about--- get as much info as possible, and even my own ego--- how I think of myself--- as someone who works super hard, and has something worthwhile to contribute. My ego is now wrapped-up in wanting our trail, and the races held there, to be one (or more, more would be good too!) notch above other trails/parks.

Most people around me, who are not on the crew, don't really get this--- why I'm so willing to go so hard at this. Sometimes they'll say, "That's really nice of you, to volunteer so much..." and there's this silent, "I guess..." at the end. And the trail work doesn't feel as altruistic as the word "volunteer" implies. I def do it for me. It's kind of weird, because sometimes that makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong or is another sign of how weird I am or something-- like I shouldn't care so much about it. But I do.

The other thing I write about a lot is riding so here's an update on that--- I've back-slid a bit. I was feeling pretty good about my skills and fitness level about a month ago, but then we got a slew of monster storms, and a heat wave that has made it feel like we are all residing in Satan's underpants.

The storms made trail-work an almost nightly activity for a while. It's seemed every other day 20 trees would go down we'd have to saw off the trail. To top it off the torrential rains washed-out at least half the trail and completely changed the topography. The couple of times I've gotten to ride lately have left me feeling like I completely suck. My confidence is almost at zero now. I'm trying to just back-up and take it slow, but even my fear has crept back up. It's a little discouraging. I'm going to go back to square one and just self-coach myself back on track I guess.

Last night I rode with Trusty Pam, who has become a bit disenchanted with our now much more difficult trail. It was fun spending time with her. She's found a bunch of roadies to ride with some days a week now and I'm happy for her on that score. I think my little personal skills clinics at my trail will be sort of solitary for a while. That's fine, but has always made me jealous of the guys and their tribe.

Tonight we hit a faster, easier trail closer to her work that she's come to enjoy more than Hillside. I like it too for a non-technical zoomy ride. It's riding your bike in the woods, and a good confidence builder. I like it to ride for fun. I just know when I ride there I'm not improving my skills at all. This is just something I'll have to put in different boxes. Riding with my friend, for fun, is as important to me as improving, if not more so. (But there is a big part of me that still has ambitions of awesomeness.)

Now for art stuff. Working on the horses, one of my favorite parts was exploring some more complicated movements. There was a time I'd def get caught up in simple confirmation-- how long and thick everything is supposed to be and how it's all arranged. Now I am more intrigued by how they shift their weight etc going around corners, or shuffling quickly to the side. I have 3 sculptures I'm pretty happy with, and one less dynamic pose in the pipeline, and still don't think I've made the *best horse of my life*.

I really like aspects of all 3 of these so far though, and making them has taught me new things, that I'll use in future sculptures.

While I've been working I've gotten back to listening to audio books. There was a time I wanted nothing but music. Fast/hard rock/metal felt sort of like grabbing onto a tow rope that yanked me with it into a current of energy I was both craving and emitting. My clockwork was spinning so fast, it felt like the only thing close to my natural rhythm. Now I want fiction.

The story I'm listening to now is about a writer, and talks about the dual realities writers inhabit-- the real world, and the one of their own creation. I remember that so vividly. When I think of it now, how invested I was, the level of commitment I felt to my characters and the world I wrote them into, it seems unbalanced, bordering on crazy.

And at the same time, like something I could def see myself going back to at some point. It was a total creative rush. I remember thinking and saying if I didn't get published my life would amount to a big zero. Now I just don't give it the same weight. Is it a cop-out? Am I a failure on some level? I don't know. All I know is most people I know haven't written 2 1/2 novels, even unpublishable ones.

For now my plate is FULL of visual art commitments-- commissions waiting, shows I'm preparing for, and pet projects I have no idea when I'll have time to begin, and that doesn't even cover *new idea*, which although is currently on the back burner, I remain very committed to.

Wow, can this be longer? And I thought I had nothing to say. Hmm.

Yee-haw

2011-07-28T15:02:00.001-05:00

Hey people. In the midst of my frantic art show preparations, I took a little trip out west. Had to-- this was a family reunion planned for nearly two years, to Jackson Hole Wyoming. This is the airport there-- tiny! When you get there all you can see are mountains rimming a very large, flat-as-a-pancake prairie.

It struck me how growing up in this type of terrain must frame how you see the world, your horizon always visible. It felt like being inside a series of rooms, walled-off by mountains. I would think your world view would be influenced somehow, by the idea that space/geography is sort of segmented. Also by the danger factor. This was the big time wilderness, where people get eaten by bears, and get lost and freeze to death. It was very beautiful there.

The locals were friendly in a genuine way I've noticed people from the west tend to be. It's not the same as "MN nice", which is basically a way of using manners to keep people at arm's length. Here people struck up conversations with you and didn't exhibit that wariness that they'd get sucked into some big conversation. It was like visiting with strangers was pretty routine, and whatever they were doing could wait a few minutes. Also, most were very fit looking, and tan.

One thing I really liked out there was the lack of humidity. I could literally go to bed with wet hair, wake up and kind of shake my head around, and look basically okay. That has never in my life been the case!

The reunion was for my dad's side. It's always a bit weird, because we barely know any of them. My dad's mom died when he was 8, and when he was about 15 he remarried and started another family. He was basically in college when his two half-sisters came along, and we were raised very far from any of them, and never saw them growing up. I like them all, but am not always good in groups, unsure of what to say.

I did get to see Kate and her kids though. Here's Megan having a love attack on her mom. Jaden and I continue to have an interesting relationship. Everyone I think thinks I am very hard on him, but to me he needs it. I want him to be capable and well liked, not a spoiled arrogant ass, and that takes some laying down of boundaries. I am tough on him, but he gravitates to me none-the-less, knowing, I think, that I love him.

I tell him real stuff, like, "I know you want to go first, but unless you want everyone to think you're a brat they don't want to be around, you have to learn to be cool about it. It will show you're learning this to ask, 'Would someone else like to go before me?' when it is your turn." And, "I know it's hard to be good all the time, but that's what you have to learn to do before you can grow up. If you can't control how you feel about things, you have to learn to control how you ACT about it at least." And there's quite a bit of . "Get over it. Things aren't always going to go your way."

Megan and I see eye to eye on a lot of things. I tell her things like, "Sometimes men, even Dads, get so caught up in the fun they want to have doing something, they forget about their kids a little, so you have to always watch out for yourself and make sure you are being safe when you're with them." and, "Boys don't think of their games and stories as violent, they just like action-- they don't think about anything getting hurt, mostly." I love those guys and wish I could see them more often.

When Dan & I were there we went on a "Back country mountain bike tour". The guide, who was around 50 and looked sort of like beef jerky he was so weather-beaten, lean, and tanned, said most of the locals didn't know about the trail he was taking us to. It turned-out that was because it was a horse trail worn-in by a local dude ranch. This meant dusty as hell, with tons of big loose rocks, and no switchbacks-- horses just walk straight up the hills I guess. Some of the ride was on fire and logging roads too. It was still fun-- the scenery was gorgeous!! (But the altitude-- whoa-- what a lung burner!)

Work continues. I hesitate to show these because they aren't finished, but here are the horses I've been working on.

I'd call this tableau "I think it just MOVED!" or, "A tiny Polly Pocket shirt-- the HORROR!"

I have 3 in the works. I'm assuming the blotchy rust spots will fade as layers are added.

Besides that I've been doing trail work like crazy trying to help prepare for a major state-wide race at the trail this weekend. I'm now on board enough that I feel like I'm letting down my buddies if I don't help all I physically can, in addition to wanting the trail to be successful. (Successful trail ='s my favorite hang-out being protected from turning into something else, like houses.)

Well, that's the lunch whistle-- back to the welder!

The sweating like a pig days of summer

2011-07-17T10:03:00.002-05:00

Hey people. Do pigs even sweat? I have no idea but this weather makes me feel like a potbellied, grimy, stained wifebeater wearing, trailer house dwelling southern guy, possibly chomping a cigar. Not even sure why-- it just makes me feel dirty and gross, and this is the image that comes to mind. And you have to admit, it kind of goes with the pig metaphor.

Here's what Dan rigged-up for me on our deck. He says I can just dunk myself in it, or better yet stand in it and hose myself off when I just can't take the heat anymore. He explained all this with sort of a devilish, pervy look on his face, but look-- he went to the trouble of finding a tarp to cover it with so gross things wouldn't get in the water (besides me), so really despite images flashing through his male brain that reality has no hope of matching, this was really sweet of him.

I think he got the idea after seeing how disgusting I was when I returned from trailwork last night. I spent all day at the trail clearing a spectator viewing area. This involved mostly yanking out stubborn buckthorn & sweating my ass off. Me and the other guys helping were soaked and dirt-caked by the end of the day. Two guys did double-takes checking out my coal miner face on the drive home. I actually had to hose off, fully clothed, before going inside.

It's baby deer time in Suelandia again. Check this out--- 4 baby spotties!! Apparently the moms sort of team-up and let all the kids play together. Cows do this-- actually assign "nursemaid cows" to be baby sitters for the entire herd's calves so the moms can graze and nap. All herd animals have formed societies as part of their survival strategies, and that involves cooperating etc. People don't like to think of this because then we eat them. But it is what it is. They have families and relationships etc too. And all babies (esp furry ones to me) are cute right?

Meanwhile, work-wise, my deadline looms. I have a big show at Season's in Hudson that opens Sept. 2nd. I have so much to get done! But I'm really determined that every piece for this show be one step above past work. I may not have tons and tons of pieces, but I want them all to represent the best work I can do.

Here's the first thing I finished-- it's a chandelier. I can imagine the cool shadows all those leaves will throw. Right now it's hanging outside so it can rust more, and the breeze can fool with the fish line a bit so I can make sure it's sturdy enough. Makes a heck of a pretty wind chime too.

Then a few days ago I started another little horse sculpture. I had a new idea this time around for how to cover the framework. But here's the frame. (Sorry it's a little blurry.)

I'm using paper-- tiny torn pieces, set in place with liquid starch, that I'll lacquer once enough layers have been built up. I may or may not cover that with a network of threads when I'm finished. The position/attitude I wanted to capture is of a young horse that has spotted something on the ground it isn't sure of. He's sort of in pre-spooked mode-- fully alert, and at that split second when they decide whether to shy away or not-- front legs braced, haunches dropped a bit, back legs ready to spring backwards/to the side (more accurately-- preparing to un-weight his front end to dance away). He's not sure yet, if this is a threat or not. Intensely curious.

So far I really like this process-- the way the frame still shows through of the metalwork, the coverage, the texture, and especially the way I'm able to finesse the details like the nostrils and the area around the eyes.

For the final layer I may use another kind of handmade, possibly japanese paper instead of the inexpensive stuff I've been using, but I do really like how it reacts to the starch so far. We'll see in a couple days.

I think I'll make a couple more horses, maybe two more like this (different poses) and a slightly larger one in blue, dappled like the one from the last show. For some reason I'm picturing it dozing on it's feet. I have so many ideas for this show and it will be a race with the clock to get them all completed, as usual!

This is going to be a tough week. I'm going to just keep working, moving forward, and maybe dunking in and out of our fancy new pool.

There is no good reason for snakes to exist

2011-07-10T17:52:00.001-05:00

And that is all. Hey people. I hesitate to call my aversion to snakes a phobia, because it makes perfect sense to me--- I mean, c'mon people!-- They're DISGUSTING! But I guess technically, when I think of all the things I'd rather face than a room full of snakes, even *harmless* ones, there is basically nothing I can eliminate. A crazed gunman? Check. (He's crazy-- how good could his aim really be?) Fire?-- No problem. (I'd run super fast and put my jacket over my head.)

Yeah, okay. I guess when I'd rather face actual danger than non-poisonous snakes, okay, maybe it's a little irrational. (But ~gah!~ they're so. gross.)

Why the sudden obsession? Well, there's been a little incident. You know the trail I run and ride at? The one that is a beautiful wooded wonderland and 100% snake-free just like Maui?--- Last week when I was running I encountered something very like this---

That's right people--- it's a baby, freaking, snake. I forced myself to pick it up with a stick and fling it into the woods, so I'd know ~where it was.~ (They pretty much stay where you put them right?)

Sure this one was just a tiny baby. But babies mean just one thing when it comes to snakes people--- somewhere nearby, about a million effing snakes were totally getting it on in my woods! No. Way. That's just not right. They actually pile all over each other and writhe around having giant disgusting squiggley orgies called ~mating balls~. (This is just one fact I learned from all my research this week. When there is a threat-- collect as much info as possible-- keep track of the threat-- eliminate the threat.)

Where is a fricking asteroid when you need one??!

Sure, those are garter snakes, and most people apparently aren't very freaked out by those (seriously? -- What is wrong with people? Gah!) Look at the one below--- God, just seeing how whippy and... words just flipped through my mind-- demented, fast, psychotic... I know, you probably think a couple of these words don't apply to garter snakes.

Seriously, if one ever managed to slither up my leg you may as well write my obit. The story would end, "And then Sue just went completely insane and had to spend the rest of her life institutionalized, being fed through a tube, not unlike the very snakes which drove her MAD."

Here's the thing though-- that baby one I saw? Not a garter. It was brown. It was one of these guys. A bull snake.

I saw one of these about 6 feet long and 4 inches thick once-- while running with Trusty Pam (miles away, in the town I used to live in-- where they allow snakes). Pam of course was non-plussed and said, "Oh big deal, just jog past it." Seriously?--- she practically had to give me a piggy back ride back to the car.

THEN (as if this sighting wasn't alarming enough!) During trail work last weekend, someone unearthed a pile of eggs in the dirt pile we were digging in. The guy thought they were turtle eggs at first, so nicely and carefully moved them aside, sort of making a relocation nest for them. But then we got to talking. Turtles, live by water. These eggs were sort of rubbery. What else lays eggs in the dirt?

SNAKES! THAT'S WHAT FREAKING ELSE!

I went into full-blown freaking out mode. I was trying to play it cool (Yes, those of you who were there. That was me trying to play it cool.) I was like, "They have to be destroyed. Right now." Everyone just looked at me, like, "Yeah right." They were all hot and tired from working. But this was a ~crisis!~

They all just ignored me, eating watermelon and drinking beers and talking about this and that while I sat there and began obsessing about the snake eggs. They were over there--- right then--- developing. I kept bringing it up. I couldn't seem to say one sentence without the eff-bomb in it. In the end they all ignored me and I left, trying to figure out how I was going to eliminate this threat. Because there was NO QUESTION. It was going to be eliminated.

All week I stewed about it. I researched snakes and snake eggs online. I woke up in the middle of the night thinking about them. Dan found me staring into space more than once with a horrified expression. "You're thinking about them again aren't you?" "Yes!" ~googly eyes of fright~

I brought them up to Pam enough times that she offered to go over and smash them all for me. Have I mentioned Pam is also super strong and I'm sure would carry me to safety if I ever needed her to?

I even asked Cool Trail Boss Rich's wife, Mrs. Zilla to intervene on my behalf and bug the crap out of her husband to get rid of these stupid eggs for me. As the week went on and my obsession grew, I found myself even getting mad my trail work pals hadn't just gone over there and stomped them all into oblivion when we were all there. It was like yelling, "Help-- I'm on fire!" and having everyone just glance over and resume drinking (to me).

After a whole week of spazzing-out about them, the boss was finally pestered enough that he got rid of them. Sort of. When I asked to see-- expecting to be shown a pile of smashed eggs, I was instead shown the empty nest. He'd tossed the eggs into the woods. (Shades of Snow White and the woodsman no?)

This was of course not good enough. So now, there are eggs all over the woods, instead of in a neat pile? Smashed? ~destruction fail~ To appease me he went and collected the few he could find, claiming they were all accounted for, and proceeded to nail them to the tops of the fence posts, as a warning to any future, wandering snakes.

One actually spewed snake egg juice on him. ~Gag~

I guess this is all that can be done about this situation for now. Those of you who want to pipe-up and tell me how beneficial snakes are etc etc, save it. I don't care that they eat mice etc etc. They are GROSS. And possibly cause insanity.

So what are you guys afraid of for very good, perfectly sound and understandable reasons?

Bum-cha-boom, bum-cha-boom

2011-07-03T15:41:00.004-05:00

"In the summah time when the weather is hot..." Hey people.

First things first-- Here's a bruise update. Once again, the discolored area (now sort of greenish black) is not self-tanner gone awry, it is a bruise covering my entire ankle and foot. (If something is going to hurt and be inconvenient, the least it can do is look really gross, and I like to get *credit* for this for some pathological reason.) Still haven't ridden, but can now run. Tah-dahhhh.

Now, on to all the fun I've been having. This weekend is sort of my ~last blast~ of free time before I go into show-prep overdrive, so I decided it should begin on Thurs. What? It's close to the actual weekend. Kind of.

I started it off by meeting my pal Lynn and having lunch and ice cream, or as we call it now, thanks to one of my famous typo's-- ice ream. Fun, and yummy. She brought with this gorgeous necklace she made lately. It was fun catching up.

Trusty Pam decided to play hooky and take off a few hours early (~approve!~) so we could hit the river for the first time this summer and go kayaking. As horrifying as this surely is to young people everywhere, and probably some my age too-- I wear a bikini for such outings, because-- I can, and... screw it! Look away if you're grossed-out America, but really: Attention chicks of all ages--- no one likes how they look in a swim suit, so just rock what you feel okay in and ~who cares~ what everyone else thinks!

Man did it feel great to get on the water again. Me and Trusty Pam have had so many fun adventures. We both agree we can feel the tension drain out of us once we get on the river though. This activity is different. We can go at it hard, or take it easy, but it's still sort of calming no matter how much effort we put in.

The water is unusually high now, so all the little side waterways we call ~secret passageways~ are open now. When water levels get lower (usually by now) you can't get through a lot of these. This one is a favorite. It's like going through a tunnel of trees.

There was one we tried that was blocked so we had to paddle back upstream to get out, but it wasn't flowing super strong. This is where what Pam calls *the spider incident* took place. Right as I was going under a branch, I saw it was covered with pretty big spiders. I had no time to adjust, so within seconds had spiders scampering all over me as I screamed and swore like a sailor and shot to the foot well of my kayak and formed a ball. (This, really, should be avoided if possible.) Don't ask me how I hung on to my paddle.

Pam came over, knocked me into another web covered branch (more swearing), and grimly flicked the one remaining spider she could locate, into the river. She surmised the others has probably fled in terror and flung themselves overboard.

For those of you who are ooged out by crawly things-- you know how when they are nearby part of your fear is "omg, what if they scurry up my arm or leg"? There wasn't even time for that-- they were running all over me. After I kept saying, "But Pam-- they were RIGHT ON ME." She was like, "Yes, I know." ~pat pat~ ICK!!!

We felt so lucky to get to be outside having fun on such a gorgeous day. It was 100 degrees out, but it felt a lot cooler on the water. We had a great time. The best things in life, aren't things people.

The next day was super hot too, and I got to have lunch and spend a couple hours with my friend Kathleen. Her husband commissioned me to make her this ~tree of life~ for Christmas, but they were going into a serious remodel (think gutting their entire house down to the frame and redesigning it) so they preferred to wait a bit, and that fit better with my schedule too, so I just finally got it to her. It came out awesome, and I'm so happy they both love it.

The next day (Sat now, the actual weekend) me, Pam, her daughter Brenda, & Dan all hit the river for a mega paddle from west of Monticello all the way to Elk River.

For this paddle I glammed it up a bit more-- another bikini, and fashionista accessories. I have a theory that it's a good idea to attempt to stay somewhat hot (you know, try at least) for Dan. Since he was along too this was borderline date territory. I think no matter what they say, guys probably like it a tiny bit when ~their woman~ still looks like she's at least trying. My grandma is 95 and still colors her hair and tries different mascara etc, so I'm going to be one of those who never really throws in the towel.

We all had fun-- floating along eating apple wedges, playing half-hearted, lazy versions of *bumper kayaks*, trying to take group pics, and paddling paddling paddling. Near the end our backs were dying so we pulled up on an island to stretch our legs.

I found a cool piece of driftwood. (No, i didn't give birth to it as this photo suggests.) This was a feat and adventure in and of itself. It was lodged in some branches of a fallen tree and looked pretty light, but it wasn't, and the current smashed me right into the tree as I was trying to maneuver into position. Once I got it free, it was really heavy, and on top of one arm, both legs, and my paddle, and I had one hand to keep trying to push off from the tree, and reposition the log and get my paddle out.

As I was struggling to do all this without tipping over, I saw this piece of wood was actually covered with spiders too!!! But I had to just suck it up and not panic. Funny how at certain times you simply can't afford to be a big prissy baby. I got the wood, didn't capsize, or lose my mind, or get actually covered in spiders. ~Whew!~ The things I do for art.

Speaking of art-- my camera takes underwater pics, so this is me taking one from under water, through the surface, up at me. It kind of looks weirdly like I'm in Hawaii in the 70's doesn't it? Anyway, kind of cool.

After our paddle we all went to McD's for cones. Happy to report there were no incidents of ~cone rage~. (Do not get between me and my treats people.)

All in all it's been a fantastic 3 days!

Today (Sun) I basically vegged (aside from a run), and tomorrow I hope to at least go townie biking. Summer is sa-wEEt!

Marching orders

2011-06-30T09:12:00.002-05:00

Hey people. This will be ~one of those~ posts. I feel like I'm on the brink of changes (again). I feel like I'm suddenly looking around and realizing a lot of changes have already taken place. At times I feel capable of anything, and other times just... depleted. (Hmm. This does not sound exactly new come to think of it.)

Practically, I have a ton of work to get done in the next two months. What I have to do is just keep marching forward, and really, this is probably the best thing for me anyway-- to become too busy to get mired in self-doubt.

Here's a shot of my new running shoes. Aren't they pretty??? They didn't stay this pristine, but that's okay.

I kind of wanted them to stay nice for a while, but a week of rain fixed that. I had to get out and run, even if it meant getting wet. So, they don't look quite like the perky bright shoes I brought home not long ago, but they've had a few adventures.

I've had a few myself. This is the latest mountain biking injury. I got my ankle squashed between Penny and a stump. It was a *no-speed* incident. I just didn't make a climb, but fell over the wrong way and couldn't get my un-trapped foot down until the damage was done. This pic doesn't really show it that well, but what looks kind of like self-tanner or whatever is really a HUGE bruise. Plus, although I don't have little bony show horse ankles, you can usually at least make-out that there is a joint there. It's all swollen. I haven't been able to ride for a couple days now, but can walk fine. No running either for a few days tho.

I've been thinking about the definition of *Sue*. Things are changing. Pictures of me take me by surprise-- I don't feel that old. People ahead of me have told me this happens more and more as you age--- that you even are surprised by your own reflection in windows at times. Someone else said they fear, not getting older really, but being dismissed. No one wants to be brushed aside as someone who is no longer *cool*, or has anything interesting to contribute just because they've gotten X amount of years under their belt. But I think this happens, more with women than men.

Someone else I know talked about defining moments recently. This has been on my mind a lot. I've lost a couple things over the last year that were sort of main ingredients for a while-- my writing, and that raging flame of wildness that was burning almost out of control for a couple years.

The writing was very strange to lose. I became so immersed in it. I spent every waking moment thinking about it when not doing it. When I ran through the woods I had a story playing in my head. When I was with others I had a hard time concentrating because my thoughts would drift to my story. I felt like at my core, a writer was really what I WAS. Then I needed a break.

And now I feel I've lost it. I haven't forgotten how. I could still string words together in nice ways, even, perhaps, interesting ways. But to tell stories effectively, they need a visceral component to them-- high stakes, and now I don't feel I have anything to say that has that behind it. I've lost the feeling of urgency towards life & death situations. Now I'm complacent on that. I don't feel anything is really that pressing. We're all going to die. It's just a matter of how and when, and that's fine. It's all going to be okay people.

Life is a life & death situation, and it's all going to be fine. :) Hysterics over that is just unnecessary drama. See? Hard to write a story without drama.

The wild feeling, what I called the spinning clockwork, because I felt like there were gears spinning out of control in my chest, like I was about to jump out of my skin and there was NO WAY my body could possibly contain the amount of energy that needed to be vented off--- has subsided. I know what it was, knew it while it was happening too, but that didn't make it any less real.

I felt the exact same way when I was a teen, and to a less extent in my early 20's. I'm blaming hormones. I've heard they mess with you big time in your forties. While the wild feeling was in me, it felt sort of self-destructive because you know that level of near-mania isn't sustainable or normal, but at the same time you really don't want it to end. It's isolating, but you still nurture it because it feels like your own personal wild animal inside you have to feed and protect.

Now it's gone, and while I recognize it's way healthier to not need to listen to metal all the time, like, in the shower too, and not to feel like you want to go run through the woods in the middle of the night or like your chest is about to split open... part of you has departed. I recognize it's healthier to feel relaxed, and to have that knowing inside that everything-- like BIG everything, is fine. But part of me misses the wild animal. I don't want it back, because it was never satisfied, and feeling restless all the time was exhausting, but--- who am i now? Am I boring now?

I have big ambitions to start a new business, but they are on hold because of work. I need to create a show for Sept, and it needs to be 3-D. I feel like working 2-D. But being forced may be really good for me right now. I'm going to just keep marching-- get busy.

Oh-- and later today I'm totally kayaking in my bikini-- so suck on that old age.

Annual family ho-down

2011-06-27T11:25:00.001-05:00

Hey people. Remember last year at Dan's family get together weekend when I just went wild and shot off guns and arrows and rode a motorcycle all in one day? The same family party took place last weekend. You guys will never believe what I rode on this year!---

That's right people-- it's a cougar! That's how bad-ass I have become! Okay, not really. Actually, when I insisted Dan take this picture of me, it prompted some pervy comments from one of my bro-in-laws, so I of course immediately upped the ante and began pretend making-out with the cougar. (*no actual cougars were traumatized during the filming of this family party.)

This was my *out-of-the-box* weekend. I've always struggled with why things like this, that are supposed to be fun, are so much effort for me, because hey-- I'm fun. What?-- I AM! But things in a big group always just take a lot of energy for me and I have to do a lot of self-talk about not being a high-maintenance pain in the ass, and staying relaxed so people around me don't pick-up stress vibes from me etc etc. Recently, I read, this is all (most likely) because I am an *introvert*.

Anyway... This is Dan's adorable big sister Patti-- who's cabin we were at (her and her hub's John's, & his parents). She is super energetic and, as you can see, is very cute. Yes, those are leopard print rain boots-- *WIN*!

Most of his 6 siblings and their families were able to attend. This is one of his other adorable sisters Mary-- who is such a nice person-- really genuinely a good gal to know. She has survived brain cancer, and so far 3 crashes (out of 4 rides) on Honda trail bikes. His sisters all belong to the lollipop guild, so I feel like a lumbering oaf around them, but try not to accidentally crush them and they are not afraid of me. (That's Patti's son Andy too. He turned out to be a nice, funny guy. As is often the case, I like people better when they become grown-ups.)

This family culture is not my normal world. I encounter things like this I have to just not over-think.

They are hunters, and I am more of a gatherer. More accurately, I'm more of a mess-arounder. But their hobbies require them to learn these skills like archery, and when we go up there we get to try out all their toys. It's kind of like entering another world for me, but since they're all so nice, can be fun if I de-spaz enough to enjoy myself. (Which I did, pretty much.)

The woods up there is beautiful, even if a little weird. I love the woods, and have even been know to appreciate weird.

We brought up 3 Honda's from our *stable*, and I got to ride around on them and figure out how to shift and- uh-- stop, which is handy. The first one I rode on quit every time you weren't revving it so that was a bit of a trick, but I managed.

We rode through the woods on these trails they've built, past stuff like this occasionally (want, of course) and when we got to a clearing everyone would zip around like maniacs-- especially Dan and the nephews! For one journey I just rode Penny so someone else could use a Honda-- that was pretty fun. I could actually keep up pretty well because there were so many of us, and Penny had fun *running with a pack* of motors.

Here's a vid I made if you're curious--

It was fun. Being social in a big group for two days left me pretty drained, but I had a good time. At one point, I looked around, and we were all sitting around looking at a couple of boxes of old comics Patti dragged out from their childhoods. Let me set the scene for you--- at least a dozen people (I never actually counted) sitting around outside looking at comics, one guy trying to shoot other guys in the butt with an airsoft gun (non-deadly, mostly) while they played a bean-bag toss game, and a little kid shooting at cans with one, in between waving it dangerously around pretending to shoot people in the face (yikes). Then butt-shooting guy got up and randomly grabbed a tomahawk and hurled it at a rubber bear, but missed. Then the kid's mom decided to try shooting cans too. During all this people were complacently looking at comic books.

I looked over at one nephew who has seen the blog etc before and just started laughing. "This is SO weird!" I said. He laughed too-- "I know!" But really all families are weird, just in different ways.

By the way-- they wound-up giving this kid his own gun to take home as a gift. This is some kind actual gun people consider a toy I guess, but it was disturbing watching this kid being all ~gangstah~. Oh well. Back to, um... reality? (Whatever passes for normal around here-- you know-- cats, mountain biking, welding, my constantly spinning brain etc etc)

It's time for my metaphysical

2011-06-22T19:51:00.000-05:00

Hey people. So... lot's of mortality going down right now. It's weird, because, much as we like to live in suspended disbelief, this is always going on. Yes, right now, every moment.

It makes one pause. Which I suppose is the point, assuming there is one. I hesitate to express all my thoughts about this for fear of making anyone feel bad. I myself am not grieving right now. But nothing I have to say has a hurtful intention behind it, so...

When my sister was here we got into a couple of talks about this. She was hesitant to talk about *what happens after you die* because, as she said, "No one really knows, so why speculate?" I was, of course, aghast at her incuriousness, but it was another of those astonishing moments when I realized-- not everyone thinks like me! Isn't life wonderful & amazing?

Somehow during this conversation we got on this tangent where since I am older and have no children, it's likely to be her who's there with me at *the end*. She agreed to help me think of funny things to write on my body with a sharpie like, "Stop looking at my butt" etc, and even to write them if I couldn't. Of course this is vastly more funny if you imagine some unknown med student encountering this graffiti. "These boobs were really something once. What?-- They WERE."

As I write this, I realise I could have all kinds of fun with her at this time, like telling her made-up things about the after life as I stare dramatically into *the great beyond*. "You'll never believe this Katie-- everyone here gets their own unicorn to ride around on!-- Just kidding! No-- but really-- everything is made of chocolate! Okay, not really..."

I guess the main thing I think of, when I think about death, is that it's not the end. I'm not religious, but this is something I really believe in my core-- that we're all permanent, it's just our bodies, and this place, that aren't. Sometimes that makes it hard for me to take things super seriously. It's not like anyone's getting out alive, and really, nothing we do here is all that super important.

So what's the point? I guess, as far as I can figure out for myself, it's to make your connections meaningful ones. Meaningful to you, and to those you care about. We matter to the people who love us. It's important to let the people you care about know how you feel about them, that you see them, that knowing them makes a difference to you.

Won't everyone figure all this out after we're all wherever we go when we're done here? And presumably (maybe) we all become some kind of all-knowing spiritual beings, riding unicorns and eating unlimited quantities of chocolate? Yeah, probably, but really, if there's going to be a point to your life here, you could do worse right? Because when it's all said and done, no one is going to care or remember how clean your house was, or what you did for a job etc etc.

All this sounds very rational and detached doesn't it? That's how I usually feel about it-- but there are nerve endings that get jolted every once in a while, because I think that's part of being here too-- feeling that heartbreaking, tearing feeling, to keep us plugged in to this life-- make us feel a sense of immediacy and urgency, and loss. To make us stop and assess what we still have, or appreciate what we had.

I get this way a lot with animals, oddly. When I see a bunch of dumb geese wandering onto the highway my throat closes-up and I'll spend the next hour being horrified and on the verge of tears, even though rational me has no attachment to the geese, and knows they're made of indestructible energy just like the rest of us (and feathers etc) (haha).

I feel so sorry for my friends who are in grief right now. I think feelings like this are supposed to make us all appreciate each other more somehow. But as my sister wisely observed, "It's not like anyone knows for sure."

All I do know, is I'm going to try to let everyone I care about, feel that from me-- that I do care about them, and hope for the best, and keep trying to think of funny things to write on myself when the time comes.

Summah vaca

2011-06-16T17:26:00.002-05:00

Hey people. Well, sis and the kids are back in Texas now. It was fun. It was exhausting at times. I miss them-- but I really do need to get back to my life. One day while they were staying at mom & dad's I just lounged around most of the day in my bikini wearing this.

Dan--- "What's it like to be you?" Me-- "Pretty sweet."

One of the coolest things on vacation was getting to look at Megan's journals. Before you are all horrified by this, and with me showing you a couple little snippets-- these are not inner-most thoughts and feelings journals-- they were assigned by her teacher, and had to be read by her mom and turned in for class every week. So, not super private.

Sadly this is not a depiction of her admiring how skinny I've managed to get (because, uh, that hasn't exactly happened yet). They had gone to the science museum on another trip up here once.

Mah girl Megan is turning into a super neat (as in cool), creative and funny little goober. I love her to pieces and hope like hell life doesn't kick the crap out of her as she gets older-- that horrible guys aren't drawn to her-- or she recognizes they are horrible right away, and that she doesn't drive too crazily, or get into too much stuff she shouldn't. For now she's at that exact point where she's def still a KID. And that's awesome. :)

She's such a goof-- this was from a story she made up called "The extremely annoying potato." I know.

This was all about getting lost in the woods and finding her way back home by following the north star (fiction). She ends it with "ps-- at the very end I got tackled by a couple of bears-- no big deal." (LOL!)

This is the next page. (i was laughing so hard reading this stuff every night in bed.)

This is about a talent show. (fiction again) She ends this one with her brother trying to console her about being nervous about the big crowd watching-- "I looked out at all the filled seats and slapped him in the face. Then I played 'Victory Bells' and went home. The End." (LOL!)

Just read this one. In case you can't tell what her "dream come true" is by the pic-- she uses her new-found wealth to hire the best karate teacher in the world and become a blackbelt, so she can fight her brother (also a blackbelt. I suppose so she doesn't have an unfair advantage) and kill him. I'm sure this is kind of sick, but I laughed my ass off when I read this one. There's something so innocent, in a way, about that visceral level of sibling frustration.

*The boy* as I call him (online not to his face) is growing by leaps and bounds. He turned 7 up here. When Dan is home you know where to find Jaden--- orbiting. He LOVES Dan.

He is pretty funny too, and can be very sweet, but as you can probably see from this pic-- he def has a *little shit* side. I'm told little boys are just like this. We got along pretty well. I get very worn-out by little kids. I'm just not used to them, but I love these guys. Jaden got to know where ~the line~ was with me pretty easily, and really, what he wants most of the time is just attention and someone to play with him. He's a good guy. (Mostly)

This has nothing to do with anything, but I came across it and it made me laugh. I think it's from me & Pam's second ever ride. You can see her lovely dirt streaked leg from going down once, but we are smiling big. I emailed it to her and she observed-- "Those bikes! What were we thinking?!"

Pretty funny how far we've come and how much fun we are still having at this. :)

The Super Fun Day

2011-06-07T09:45:00.003-05:00

Hey people-- two posts in one week-- can you believe it??? Sunday I had such a super fun day I just have to tell you about it. Seriously, it was, ALMOST perfect. The only thing that would have made it more perfect would have been if some kind of unforeseen adventure had unfolded perhaps involving getting *a little* lost, mud, caves, super-soakers &/or roman candles, and maybe trail-poaching/shenanigans. But, seeing as yesterday involved bikes, perfect weather, food, and my two favorite people-- it basically kicked ass.

We began with a car-load of fun-- us and our bikes. It was gorgeous-- about 80, low humidity, and sunshine all day, plus--- my mom & dad were watching the kids all day! Just grown-ups (kind of)-- me, sis, and Dan. Woo! :)

First stop was Midtown Global Market where I totally wanted this dress to look super cute on me. It's hard to see, but it had these drawstring things on it that could be cinched at various places. Look at the colors! And it had unusual front pockets too. But alas, it was NQR (not quite right)-- tiny armholes that cut in, and it was about 2" too short. I'm so bummed! I might use it as inspiration for a better design of my own someday when I get a sewing machine.

Parking at MGM was strategic, you'll see why later, but after checking stuff out there, we carried our bikes down the stairs behind the Sheraton and got on the greenway. If you've never been, it's this awesome bikeway made from an old rail line that runs mostly below street level. (Pretty good shot for trying to get out the camera and work it on the fly huh?)

Along the way there are gardens and stuff to check out, and a few pretty awesome murals. It is also just super fun to see our bike culture in action. I guess we *won* at bikey-est city over Portland this year.

The greenway runs between West River Road and the chain of lakes. I was so glad we got to do this. It's one of the prettiest metro rides, with lots of fun stops you can make. Where Katie lives it pretty much sucks. It's always gross weather (super hot, humid, and SUPER windy) and there are no shade trees because they just don't grow in S. Texas, and because of all this there is no ~outdoors culture~ to speak of. I would die there. Anyway-- she was in heaven, even if we sort of wore-out her legs.

After the chain of lakes we connected with the Minnehaha Parkway trail that runs along the creek through big shady trees for miles. It was gorgeous too.

It was so fun getting do do this with my sister and Dan, my two favorite people! It felt like another Birthday celebration even though it was not *about me*. It was even kind of fun biking around in tourista-wear, flip flops etc. It was a "who cares" day. :)

Here's my two of my favorite people where we stopped for lunch-- Minnehaha Falls. The line was crazy long! It took over half an hour to get up to order our food, and by then I was bonking hard(blood sugar at zero) sweating all over and feeling like I was going to pass out any second. They took care of me until we got a table and I got some more gas in the tank.

Then it was time to motor again! We wanted to hike around the falls etc, but Kate said she'd probably die of leg failure-- this was about a 24 mile bike ride for someone who doesn't regularly ride-- plus, we were running short of time. This is on W. River Parkway's trail. (LOL-- I just noticed Dan is riding with no hands to show off. lol)

At the end of our journey, because of the strategic parking-- Italian ice was waiting! I had watermelon
& lemon, Kate had black cherry & lime, Dan had black cherry. Yum!!!

I highly highly recommend this day to anyone looking for a great ride, or maybe to show off the twin cities to visitors. Super FUN!!!!

I have the best time doing stuff like this. The whole time I just felt really present, not waiting for the next thing, or thinking about a past thing. I guess this is the ideal mode for me-- to be on the move. Having people along I really love makes it extra special though. :)

Let the good times roll-- through the woods.

2011-06-05T20:42:00.001-05:00

Hey people. I'm a little behind in posting because sis and the kids have hit town, but I have to fill you in on how the second ~*Ladies Night*~ at the trail turned-out.

A good time was def had by all. (See the cool shirt I'm wearing? Oh- yeah-- first official tee design. The girls all seemed to dig them.)

So here's how it worked this time-- around 45 (!) girls showed up. Almost all from the first round came back, and talked so much about how much fun it was some new girls came too. Last time I made a feeble attempt at instructing which left me feeling like a giganto DORK because I don't really feel that comfortable speaking in front of a large group. (Lucky that best-selling author thing never panned-out. Bullet = dodged.)

THIS time, I somehow convinced Kyia Anderson-- a retired national-level professional mountain bike racer to come teach the skills clinic, and was it ever awesome! (She's rather preggo right now, so taught from the ground.)

Her hubs, also a racer, demonstrated while she explained. It was amazing. I even learned a new tip-- finally the right way to do a track stand! (standing still on your bike & balancing w/o putting a foot down) Having someone who really knows what they're talking about take the time to explain the basics, even the seemingly obvs ones, really takes huge chunks off the learning curve. I feel my theory was proven correct through this event---- Women riders ARE more comfortable learning in a somewhat structured/controlled setting like this, as opposed to dudes-- who basically have been popping wheelies since first grade and would rather just trial and error it.

It was rather astounding seeing so many women all riding around practicing stuff, and after that, the woods absolutely packed with pink shirts as they hit the trails. I kept sort of not believing this event became so big.

I literally could not have done it w/o enlisting the help of some very key people. Here's one now-- Trusty Pam!! I was also once again touched by how my trail-working pals, all dudes, jumped right on board and helped-out, and even sort of kept other dudes out of the way so we wouldn't feel *observed*, and took surreptitious pics of us to document our night. It was really cool!

All in all, it was super cool. I got to meet a ton of cool, fun girls who want to ride around in the woods. This one-- Amy, was a total animal! She's ~a natural~. It was her third time on a mountain bike ever, and she took to it immediately-- even riding *the teeter* (this giant teeter-totter that you have to ride all the way to the top end which is about 6' in the air, and balance there while your weight lowers that end and you can ride off. It's pretty much the hardest one in the state, and tons of guys eat it big-time trying this.) (Amy is my new idol, and I wouldn't be at all surprised to see a jersey on her back one day soon-- hopefully of the local home-trail heroes.)

There were a few minor crashes-- Heather's pants (below) basically exploded off her body when she went over the bars trying to avoid someone who stopped suddenly in front of her. I went OTB too on a pathetically easy section, just letting some pent-up zoominess get the best of me, and scraped-up my leg with the classic ~tire tread in the front~, ~chain-ring bite in back~ marks of ~whoops!~

But no one actually got hurt, just the normal scrapes and bruises that make you feel like sort of a bad-ass mountain biker. :) The fun WAY out-weighed the scary. I'm looking forward to seeing more girls on the trails now. Mission accomplished!

I've decided to spend one more year in the MID forties...

2011-05-29T12:59:00.000-05:00

Hey people. It's my Birthday this week and I'll be 47, which I think can still technically be considered the MID forties. Next year I'll merge into the *mid-to-late* forties. Because you know what's awesome about getting older? This--

When I was little, I got this book. It became one of my very favorites.

It was about this kid who got whisked away by this magic bird for his birthday. They had a fantastical day of hedonism. It was BEYOND imagining. Nothing, it seemed, was off the table. This struck quite a chord in me, sort of stretched the boundaries of my expectations. Even now as an adult, knowing what is and isn't possible (sort of), I still really enjoy daydreaming about the fantastical ideal, about over the top, and way too much being the perfect amount.

So welcome to the birthday of my imagining, where nothing is impossible or out of bounds.

First, I'll wake up in the morning and have magically sprouted long, shapely, and tanned legs, also my hair will have become unbelievably thick and shiny. I know these are shallow things, but it is my birthday so ~tough noogies~. Just go with it. I now bear a remarkable resemblance to her:

Dan has spared no expense, and gotten me a magic outfit, that morphs into different variations depending on what I'm doing. (I actually found this online, and told him this is what I wanted-- even in this fantasy, he'd need a bit of help picking out a gift for me.) All I have to do is think of it, and ~bliing~--- This,

Becomes this. I of course immediately tell all my friends about the amazing deal I found on this outfit and they all run out and get the same thing, but the outfits know to not change over into the exact same thing on every person, so we are always dressed in unique clothes that look a-m-a-z-i-n-g on us.

All my friends come over wearing fancy dresses and hats etc at first and we all strut around doing pony/ runway model walks and tell each other how fabulous we look for about ten minutes,

Then we get down to partying.

After we lie around in the sun for a while laughing and telling funny stories and off-color jokes, a bunch of masseuses show up and rub us all thoroughly. After that, a bunch of attractive waiters bring us drinks and treats, and make it clear by their facial expressions and mannerisms that they think we are all completely smokin' hot, and it would be so on, if they weren't all way too young to interest us. They of course keep it professional though. Hard as it must be for them.

There are over sixty kinds of chocolate cake to sample, and none of it is fattening at all. There is some special ingredient in it that allows us to eat all we want of it, without getting that gross *too full* feeling.

After we've eaten and drank all we want, and have grown weary of all the hot waiters fawning over us, the animals begin to arrive. Bushels of adorable puppies,

Kitties so cute you could honestly ~die~ of cuteosterone poisoning.

Even bunnies, some wearing little sundresses. They all want to be cuddled and petted & played with. Our clothes morph into ~play clothes~ and we romp around and roll on the ground and the super adorable animals snuggle all over us, but miraculously don't shed or poo or drool or do anything the least bit objectionable. When we've had our fill of them, they all just curl up and go to sleep, and their keepers take them away to their happy homes.

Then we all hop on our sweet bikes and race off towards a big adventure. We all feel pumped and excited and we ride like the wind, whooping and dinging out bells.

We find a mysterious trail going into a beautiful woods. There are no bugs and of course no snakes, because President Obama, in honor of my birthday, has outlawed snakes, and the national guard has erradicated them from the continental U.S.

We find cool rock formations and caves to explore. We don't get tired at all because we're having so much fun and it's all so exciting, plus, since it's my birthday, time has warped, so the day is as long as we want it to be.

After a while we get to this shallow river that flows through a gorgeous rocky canyon. We ditch the bikes and hike through the pleasantly warm water. Around every bend is a scene more beautiful than the one before, and we find cool rocky formations to climb around on and explore.

The canyon opens up to this amazing series of pools, fed by this waterfall, that you can walk around underneath. The water feels great, and there are places along the rim of the canyon where you can climb up and jump into deep pools and be perfectly safe. There are also these spongy, mossy areas along the sides where we can lounge around.

Some how our hair manages to look awesome, even with all the swimming and leaping from cliffs into lagoons etc. Magically, the adoring hot waiters have found us, and resume serving us frosty drinks and heaps of chocolate cake, assorted pies, and whatever flavors we can think of, of homemade ice cream they cheerfully churn by hand for us.

At the end of the day, which has lasted about a week, we finish off with hiking and biking back, feeling refreshed, satisfied, and incredibly happy.

Aren't you guys glad I invited you?

In real life my sister is coming for a visit ON my birthday (the best gift ever) for two weeks, and the day before is the second ~ladies night~ event at the trail, which promises to be amazingly awesome, with free wine & snacks after our ride, and free massages. Yep, life in Suelandia is pretty sweet.

Getting dirty

2011-05-25T08:20:00.000-05:00

Hey people. So this has been my mood for the last few days. Yes, it's tin foil beanie time, where innocent citizens need to be protected from my toxic brain-waves of negativity.

Poor Dan. The other night at about seven I said, "Gah-- I wish this day would just fricking GET OVER WITH!" Then I went to bed to make that come true. Knowing all this is caused by hormones doesn't, oddly, diminish the effects.

Last night was an event I've been planning for a long time. It was oddly reminiscent of my old *jumping around in front of people in revealing swimwear* phase also known as my brief stint as an aqua aerobics instructor. My awesome uterus was being a total ass. By the time I had to head to the trail to set-up, it felt like I had a giant Leggo contraption stuck in my guts & expanding itself. I was in so much pain I could barely think & was shaking all over.

Here is what was on the flyer for the event: (cute huh?)

I took massive amounts of Midol and Alieve and fortunately, by the time girls started showing up, I was semi-functional.

I felt horrible, and nervous, and, of course, fat--- sorry everyone this bugs but it was how I felt so... keepin' it real here--- but all the women who came were so excited to be trying mountain biking, many for the first time ever, it snapped me out of it a bit. (It helps to focus on other people, helping them out.) Plus the drugs kicked in finally. ~Whew~

Almost 30 gals showed up. We filled the woods with pink shirts and a few whoops and hollers of excitement. The atmosphere was supportive and adventurous and awesome. It made me so happy to see so many girls interested enough, and brave enough to try this for the first time. I remember how scary it felt the first time I rode my bike down a hill over logs and rocks-- like stepping off a cliff. Now it's the most fun I have-- riding that trail.

Hopefully some of these gals get real bikes and take this up. From what I saw out there, many of them have the adventurous spirit and love of being outside that makes a mountain biker.

How is it almost June already?

2011-05-17T09:19:00.003-05:00

Hey people. Suddenly it's here-- spring!

I couldn't believe it when my mom pointed out it was going to be my birthday in a couple weeks. How is it possible it's already nearly June?! Our wardrobes will change. Our eating will change. In a few months we'll have tan-lines, and our patios and decks will become regularly used floorspace. We'll become accustomed to wandering outside without even thinking about what we're wearing.

Much as I love summer, it's the shift that's really exciting. If it was never winter, this change in lifestyle wouldn't seem nearly so magical. Anyway. I'm one happy camper right now. :)

I started my classes for graphic art. I wonder how I would have done in school if all classes were online. I like that no one can hear me cursing, and that I can go back over sections as many times as I need to. I could tell if I were in a real class, I would get snagged on something-- meanwhile, the teacher and the rest of the class would barrel ahead, and I'd soon be hopelessly lost (a familiar scenario from umpteen failed math attempts) (See? *umpteen* is not a real number yet here I am using it. That is how remote math is to me.)

I suspect if I'd taken high school online, I'd still not exactly have set the world on fire, because for me to learn something I have to actually be interested in it. And the fact that I'm required to take a class does not compel me. But this (computer graphics) IS something I'm interested in, so even though it is confusing I'm very determined to learn it. I'm gonna learn it so hard you guys... Just wait.

Here is the princess pic I began fooling with months ago. I haven't had time to work on this stuff again until recently. I had actually gotten much farther on her, just experimenting around blindly-- She had a bunch of stars in her hair, and her eyes had been re-done and were way more realistic, but that was before i knew about saving your work every time you turn around so it crashed once and erased all my progress. The coloring was just something I was fooling with yesterday. I don't get it yet, and am not satisfied with how it looks. Learning = experimenting.

One thing I haven't figured out yet is how come the computer doesn't get where the color should stop. See the left-most hair? The color is stopping where my drawn lines end, instead of filling in all the negative space. Oh well, this is all stuff I haven't gotten to yet in the classes. I'm just trying to figure out what I can. It's very engrossing. I think about it when I'm not doing it, and even dream about it.

In that way it reminds me of mountain biking. I was really obsessed with learning everything I could about that over the last couple years.

I decided I'm going to get rid of all my stained glass stuff, if anyone is interested. I have all kinds of glass, and chemicals, and leading. It's going on craig's list, so, let me know if anyone out there wants it. This is the kind of decision I've had to make about my art this year--- what realistically am I going to continue doing? How is my time really best spent both from a creatively satisfying standpoint, as well as a financially reasonable one. The glass stuff just didn't make the cut.

Last post I talked about how awesome my life is (barf-- I know), and how I feel like I control my time. A couple friends have expressed frustration lately with feeling like their time is def NOT their own, that they feel a lot of pressure from outside and like they're almost suffocating-- really stressed-out.

I think making conscious choices about stuff like this is super important. You can't say yes to everything. There is a common analogy out there among young moms, that talks about "putting the oxygen mask on yourself first" in an airline emergency-- the message being-- "save yourself first, so you can be there to save the others." This applies to everyone's life.

You have to decide, that you are going to come first. This sounds horribly selfish to most people at first, and of course it can be taken to extremes and abused, but just listen. I've had to figure a lot of this stuff out because of doing art, and even addiction recovery. In art it's the old "take care of the goose that lays the golden eggs" thing, with addiction, it's an important choice-- to fight for yourself and the life you want.

Once you get that, you can divide your life into segments-- important ones, like the time you will put into relationships, helping others, working on your primary relationship/s (family/spouse), handling your career, playing.

All these areas I picture more on a line, divided by sliders. (This was just the only graphic I could find) YOU are the one who can adjust and set the sliders. They are movable. Sometimes a circumstance will require more of *you* for a time and rob the other areas of time/attention, but you have to watch that and readjust to balance stuff out when you are able.

It's not about your life being non-stop fun. For me knowing that I've made taking care of myself a priority (so that a more healthy, whole me exists to be there for everyone else in my life) and feeling like I am the one who adjusts the sliders, makes even the *work* or harder parts of my life feel okay. :) Hope this makes sense and maybe helps someone.

Reporting in

2011-05-09T07:51:00.000-05:00

Hey people. Just checking in. I feel like I don't have much to say, but everything is going fine. I had a conversation with my mom on our Mother's Day outing about celebrations (I've never been very big on them). She said, "Well, on your birthday, you should take a whole day and just do whatever you want," and smiled, like-- "Wouldn't that be wonderful?"

All I could do was smile back and say, "But that's pretty much every day for me." I know-- I know, I know. I can hear you all collectively barfing, but seriously-- I have such an awesome life, and I'm thankful every single day. It's not like I'm super rich or anything, but I'm happy, and feel in charge of my time pretty much.

Is everything perfect? Of course not. Don't I have to work etc? Sure, but I love the work I do. Do I go around 24 hours a day being all blissed-out? No, I'm not that evolved I guess. I still get in bad moods, and feel insecure and lonely sometimes, but on the whole I'm very happy, and know how good I have it. I guess I see myself as someone happy with a good life, and bad moods and glitches are the anomalies, instead of going, "Well, that figures," every time something isn't perfect.

About all that's going on right now is trying to catch-up on assigned artwork (commissions etc) so I can get busy on new pieces. Oh-- and I'm starting online digital art classes. I'm a bit freaked-out about this. It's exciting to think about what I'll be able to do with this once I learn, but there is that niggling thought in the back of my head-- what if I suck? It is very scary, but I'm trying to just walk through the fear part of it step by step. I was never good a "regular school". This accounts for a lot of my anxiety about this.

The only things I were good at were independent study classes, or things I choose to work on unassigned-- like classes I wasn't signed up for but attended anyway, (skipping the class I was supposed to be in-- not caring about a *grade*) (I know, I wasn't cut out for normal school) or writing contests etc.

I don't think I'm stupid, but think I had some learning disabilities that never got fully addressed because of changing schools every year. Anyway--- one foot in front of the other is my mode right now.

Ironically, I'm revisiting another "out of the box" mode from my past this month. Once upon a time, I felt one way for me to break out of an isolating pattern I'd gotten into was to begin teaching aqua aerobics at the local gym. Yep-- me, who always sucked at gym, and hated public speaking with near phobic intensity, and always felt I was "fat" and rather "hideous" & HATED to be seen in a swim suit, decided it would be "good for me" to jump around in front of a bunch of strangers doing jumping jacks with basically no clothes on.

I opted for a suit with legs, thinking it would be more modest for all the jumping around and look *sporty*, but as you can see from these pics from the 20's (which are exactly like the suit I picked out for myself, fashion icon that I am), these suits weirdly manage to make you look ever MORE naked somehow.

After much agonizing and reprogramming of myself, I got to be pretty decent at it, so I guess it was good for me after all. It did a lot for my acceptance of my less than perfect (in other words human) body, and I made some good friends, and learned to project my voice even when completely out of breath. It also brought me back to the compartmentalized "leader" aspect of my personality I'd abandoned when I left corporate life.

Now somehow I've found myself organizing this big mountain biking event for women, designed to get more chicks out on the trail. It was my idea, but it's still somewhat surprising to me it's really happening. Suddenly there are over 30 women signed-up, a bike shop is bringing tons of demo bikes, and a bunch of my trail-working buddies are volunteering to be bike techs and check over the attendees bikes etc, donating their own time & expertise.

Not only that, but it's looking pretty likely I'll wind-up doing at least some of the instructing. This brings back some of the same old insecurities I had to overcome before--- negative self-talk, but it's also bringing back some of the positive things from that experience too. I like organizing things, and being supportive of other people, and sharing knowledge of something I enjoy. I really enjoy coming up with an idea and turning it into something successful in the actual world. That is the coolest process ever. Should be interesting.

Guess I had more to say than I thought. :)

The sweet life.

2011-04-29T12:55:00.002-05:00

Hey people. Today. Today is one of those days people who know me think, "You make me SICK!"-- because it's the first gorgeous day in a long time, and since I am the boss, and not on deadline, I don't have to work. Check it out, this is my view as I write this:

Food for thought: Having new cars, a fancy house, the latest cell phones (or heck, any cell phone plan at all), cable/dish t.v., and bunches of other toys may actually make some people happy, but probably not any happier than me, who doesn't have any of that, but gets to take today off and go biking & running with friends and sit here in the sunshine thinking about how lucky I am. Not gloating, just saying. :)

But, I did work this week. A sculpture I made several years ago had a very nasty mishap over the winter involving a snow plow. One leg was entirely crushed, and the other looked pretty bad too. I had to amputate her left leg. Then I bent her body back into position, which took some doing because she'd been bent over and twisted. Once I got her up and into traction with the help of some straps & the beam crossing the ceiling of my shop, I got to work reconstructing her missing leg.

It wasn't as bad as it first looked. I was happy her foot was still intact, so I just had to make a new lower leg for her. I made this, gosh, seven years ago!-- when I turned 40. I named her full bloom. It was sort of a, "I may be getting older here, but I'm going to try to still be awesome" moment.

I worked on this pose a long time. I was still learning weighting and balance. I was proud of how she could stand on just her two feet, even though a breeze would topple her so she had to be welded to a base eventually.

I wanted her to be very pretty, but also sort of strong looking. To me she is very feminine. I'd love to have her body. I made her dress out of metal flowers and petals mostly.

I gave her an extra elaborate one at the small of her back. I felt a little like a dress designer.

In a way, even though I was really bummed she'd been damaged, it turned out good, because I got to really see her again. This was some good work. It makes me anxious to dig into my next big project.

I seem to have a real thing for making beautiful women. I'm not gay, but I guess there's something about women I really am drawn to aesthetically, from an artist point of view. When I first saw her I thought of how much better I could make her now-- covering her structure similar to Tina, but seeing the framework is interesting too. Maybe I can come up with sort of a hybrid technique.

I really like how her head and face came out too. I like, well, really her shoulders, her whole body I pretty much nailed I guess.

The only thing I don't like is how transparent she becomes in her outdoor setting. I had to hang a drop cloth behind her to get any decent shots. That's the downside of the framework technique. They "disappear" unless it's covered with something.

It does make me excited to start another big project though for sure. :) Time to go ride my bike. Later!

Thank you, pervy french rooster.

2011-04-24T17:32:00.000-05:00

Hey people. So, there's this rooster in France, who has a perfectly nice life on a family's small farm. They just keep a few chickens and grow food for their own family and probably swap with neighbors etc, oh-- and there's a pond with some ducks too. Sounds idyllic doesn't it ? Well... ~insert seventies porno music~

This rooster, apparently, likes to get him some duck, when he can. This has resulted in some rather interestingly feathered ducks hatching out at the old pond-- some with very fancy iridescent tails. Nice French lady figured, "What the heck?" and put them up on Etsy and "Voila!" (as they say). I now have myself some rather cool, if weirdly attained, feathers to make more cool stuff out of.

So, be prepared people. I'm not giving up on the whole feather thing yet.

This has nothing to do with anything other than life in Suelandia-- BUT-- I rode the trail again for the first time yesterday with trusty Pam (a partial lap), and again today with Dan riding the whole dang thing and does it ever feel amazing to be back on Penny. Wah-freaking-HOO. The best part?-- I wouldn't say I've magically become awesome over the winter, not practicing for months, but it feels way different this spring.

When we rode today I wasn't a total all-star. I'm out of riding shape, and as of last night have decided I'm fat (Sorry, I know that bugs some of you, but when certain pairs of jeans don't want to cooperate and slip right on, I can't help it, I feel like a cow)-- so obviously I'm not in prime condition to be totally killing everything that is even within my skill level, BUT--- the stuff I made I made a lot quicker than before, and on a few things I used lower gears (or higher-- whichever is considered *harder*-- big 2 instead of big 1), and the stuff I didn't make it was just, "Oh well, didn't make it," not, "OMG I'm about to DIE!"

The fear factor was pretty much absent. Even previously scary descents that are super gnarly with tons of roots or loose rocks, I just kind of rode down at speed, knowing the bike would jump around, but not bothered by that. It was kind of weird. I'm going to have to watch it to not get over confident and crash. Every other year is pretty common I've heard. It's my goal to improve, have fun, and not crash big. Prepare to me mine, oh-eleven.

Now another *new idea* breadcrumb for you.

Once there was a girl, who felt most like her real-self when she could be outside, preferably in the woods, preferably running around pretending to be a wild animal, feeling secret and connected to the universe and like a burning fire with sparks of energy shooting out of her like stars.

She really believed this was her natural state, and felt very grateful to have these times when her senses were opened wide, but she was alone in this. She didn't know anyone else who would really understand this, and sometimes felt like kind of a freak.

She, like most humans probably, had ancestors who lived tribally. She could no longer claim that heritage, too many generations removed from it, but she sometimes fantasized about only being lost from her tribe, like she'd been scattered by the wind, and that *out there*, somewhere, maybe there were others like her, other lost tribe members who'd become disconnected.

This idea didn't have anything to do with an existing culture, but more with the feeling that there had to be others out there, other women, who were as ~weird~ as her; who became energized by the same kinds of things, and craved the same camaraderie-- Women who sometimes laughed so hard they tapped back into their eleven-year-old selves.

Or who felt electrical pulses go through them sometimes, like when their bodies fall through space and wind is in their hair. At these times they know, somewhere deep, that they are plugged in.

They try things, even if they're kind of weird or even dumb, if it sounds like fun. They encourage others to join in the fun-- to be adventurous, and take risks, to dare to be as awesome as they possibly can, because life is short, and we are all lit fuses.

This wishful thinking became a knowing, that they are out there, this lost tribe. We just have to find each other, to bring it out in each other.

Yes-- the girl in the story is me, and in this process of thinking of what creative direction my life/career (there's very little separation for me) is going to go now, I decided somehow this sensibility was going to be a big part of it. Somehow I've gone from being a sort of complicated loner, to someone to whom community is very important. This idea of the lost tribe is at the core of *new idea*.

Sue & Kate's inadvertent white water adventure

2011-04-18T22:57:00.004-05:00

Hey people. Still in TX visiting Kate & the kiddos. They're now old enough to be left every once in a while, so it's super nice to get some sis time in on these trips that doesn't include a screaming child. Last weekend we took off for her lake house for a little r&r. Our first day there it was super nice (80's, sunny) so we decided to take her kayaks out.

She's got one exactly like mine, and another more rounded version that-- (I can now say confidently) does not track for shit. Like all sit on tops-- (and lucky thing)-- it is, however, super stable and won't swamp (impossible) and would be pretty hard to tip over.

Their lake is massive-- a dammed river with tons of coves and bays rimmed with very arid rocky cliffs. The sandstone-like rock runs right down into the water. Since the whole thing is controlled/owned by the army corps of engineers, there are no docks, and no one can build right on the lake shore.

Sis doesn't get many nature breaks. She digs it when she does. Anyway, this is a pretty typical shot (below) of the shore. This is how calm the lake was when we left.

Right when we got in the middle, where it's 110 feet deep, the winds picked up. It gets SUPER windy here. 20 to 30 mph winds are considered "breezy" conditions. Soon were were trying to plow our way through 2' rollers, and keeping the pig of a kayak I was in pointed one direction was no easy job. By the time we finally reached the opposite shore. It looked like this.

Katie smashed the hell out of her finger on the side of her boat fighting the waves, but couldn't check out the damage until we beached. It was bloodier, but she rinsed it before I got the camera out-- so, unfortunately, no point sis.

Since we made it all the way across, we decided to check out this side and look for the mouth of a river that supposedly feeds in over here. We went into a couple of bays. It got progressively windier and wavier. We passed a couple of drowned forests/sunken islands but couldn't get too close because of the waves. The last cove we entered, we basically surfed the kayaks into on waves. I thought, "Man, it's going to be fun trying to paddle out into these." (Yep.)

By the time we found what we think is the river, it was basically a thick sunken forest we had no hope of navigating. We'd have been torn to shreds on all the dead trees poking out of the water. We decided to make for a nearby island and take a rest. Just then the winds got completely crazy. Waves were breaking over the bow and spraying all over me so I couldn't even see. I put my head down and just kept pulling, but it was so ridiculous I was cursing, laughing, and making these loud Venus Williams grunting sounds the entire time.

When we finally reached shore we shared an apple (thank God we had that) and drank some water. We were pretty fried, and still had to get out of the two bays and back across the huge lake. (The beach was made of the weird lentil shaped rock discs) ~Weird~.

This was the hardest continuous paddle I've ever done. I've had some tough pulls with Pam, but this was so relentless. There was no resting once you began paddling--- it was paddle for your life! At one point a shoulder height wave broke over the side and completely soaked me. I'm sure an open kayak would have swamped or tipped. It was a total struggle the whole way, and with all the spray from waves breaking over the front I couldn't see half the time.

When we were in the middle there were lots of big boats and jet skis, and I could hear boats nearby sometimes and normally this would concern me. By this time I was so wiped, I just kept my head down and kept going and thought, "Go ahead and hit me."

By the time we made it back we were both dead. I was glad I was with Kate and not someone I had to worry about IF they could make it or not, or if they'd tip their kayak or whatever. I knew we could both make it, eventually. When I got in the house (we had to rest a while before climbing up the huge craggy bluff to Kate's house--- yes, the same one we also had to haul the kayaks back up-- ugh)-- I had sand crusted under my eyes, and was totally sunburned.

A fun, even if grueling day, and the sunburn was my own fault. Really, big adventures like this where you feel like you barely made it usually turn out to make the best stories, and be the most fun memories. (Although she wants to take the kayaks out tomorrow or the next day, in the ocean, and it's even windier now. Might pass. Heh heh.)

Saved by rock-n-roll or--- Be more like Jack White

2011-04-12T08:19:00.002-05:00

Hey people. Welcome to the second breadcrumb leading to *new idea*. Watch the video below. It's only a minute and a half long, and even if you hate rock you'll be amazed. It's about being innovative, and thinking out of the box.

He is one of my favorite musicians. The first stuff of his that caught my attention was White Stripes music (his first well-known band) because it was so unhinged it felt reckless and chaotic, but of course it merely skirted the edge of this. After that, or sort of during the end of The Stripes, he joined another band, as a collaborator called The Raconteurs. The music was another flavor, but I still loved it. Then at the apex of that band's success, he formed another band with some members of a band who had opened for him on tour, and we got yet another sound, with his unmistakable hand prints on it.

In the midst of all his collaborating and experimenting, he moved to Memphis and started his own record label, so he could work with even more musicians and promote them and their music. As a producer his job is to bring out the best in the other artist's work. What he brings to the table is his creativity and expertise, but it's in service to the other artist's music and is more about them. He said he really enjoys that, and likes to think he's playing a part in exposing people to great music they may have not had the chance to enjoy-- older music from prior generations he's trying to preserve.

What I love about this guy, besides that fact that he can rock my face off, is his pure creative drive. He follows his loves and his talent, but recognizes the need to be agile. He began his musical journey as a kid. His drum set took up his entire bedroom, so he got rid of his bed and just slept on a bunch of pillows behind the drums. Undoubtedly, playing was the first thing that *plugged him in*, but as time has gone on he's been very open to changing.

He's learned and mastered other instruments, and is now known more for his amazing guitar work. When he became interested in creating some different sounds from the guitar, he invented his own electronic tools to use with it since they didn't exist. He values and appreciates music very different from his own. He's a huge Loretta Lynn fan, and just produced a Mavis Stalples album, and has been working on rereleasing some Hank Williams (Sr) music for some time now.

The more I thought of him, the more certain I became I could be this creatively agile too. The lesson is don't limit yourself. Keep paying attention. Look ahead to new ways of doing things, but look behind you too, to see what other amazing creatives have to teach you and share. Most importantly-- follow your heart, and stay interested, and you'll never run out of ideas and things to learn about and master.

I believe the universe rewards this kind of openness by allowing *new ideas* to flourish. This is what has made me unafraid to keep marching into the unknown, more excited than afraid of the future.

Bread crumb #1

2011-04-08T10:10:00.000-05:00

Hey people. I know I've used this pic before, but I just love it so much-- it isn't mine, but I TOTALLY would love a pic someday of me riding with my girlfriends (my tribe), having this much fun.

I am getting back into the swing of things after taking a couple days off to recoup from the show (which I have to admit was not great). "Failure" isn't as fun as success, but often more useful--- IF you learn from it. Basically this show being kind of a dud was exactly the message I needed to receive-- "Yes dummy-- this formula isn't working so great anymore is it? Change it up fool!"

It's scary letting *new idea* out of the box, because once I say it out loud it's *in the world*-- a stated goal/mission that people can make judgments about and watch my progress towards success or failure. It's nearly time though. Almost.

The idea has had enough time to incubate that it has reformed several times over the last few months. If I would have said in the beginning what it was, people now seeing how much it has changed would probably think, "Oh brother, what is she going on about THIS week?" I don't need that kind of negativity, and it kills creative progress.

I've decided to reveal *new idea* like a bit of a burlesque act, showing just a bit at a time, leaving a trail of breadcrumbs. Not to be cagey, but to help show the process of how the idea evolved.

Problem--- My body is wearing out (hands, eyes, lungs) and since I'm a creative pro, I need to find something to do creatively, that's less physically taxing.

BUT-- I love doing metal sculptures, and am good at it, and feel I really could get much better at it if I can keep working at it. I don't want to stop doing this yet.

Solution-- Find something else I enjoy doing creatively, that can supplement my income, and replace some of the taxing *busy work* of the metal sculpting (gearing up for booth shows where I have to make a bazillion small things that often don't feel much like my *real art* anyway), and allow me to only work on sculpture projects that accomplish my goal of furthering my art-- moving my abilities and talent forward.

This is how the search for new idea began. How did I know what direction to look? I didn't at first, but I knew I had to be completely open, and listen and watch for signs. Sure enough, I began to feel pulled towards computer graphics, just curious. I began exploring that, talking to people who do it, looking at tons of other people's work to see what is possible to create using these tools. As is often the case, a series of *coincidences* that seemed unrelated at first, fell into place and started laying a trail for me to follow.

I blindly took it, knowing in the past my intuition has served me well. That was a little over 6 months ago and was just the beginning of my thinking about this whole thing-- *new idea*. It felt huge but was a baby step in the evolution. That is funny because 6 months from now I'll feel like this--- me being sort of afraid to even say it out loud will seem like a super tiny step.

That's it for today. Man, This wasn't even what I intended to write about today. I guess the bra on the dog story will have to wait until next time. ;)

April Fools

2011-04-03T13:06:00.001-05:00

Hey people. For those of you who came to my show yesterday at Burroughs-- Thanks! It was great seeing so many friendly faces. For those of you who didn't-- you missed the ridiculous ruffle boots-- BAM. That is some serious boot action there, even if the pic is pretty bad. (It's surprisingly hard to photograph your own feet.)

Friday was me and Dan's anniversary, which sailed by pretty much un-celebrated because I was rushing in and out of the house (which looked, after weeks of neglect, like a family of bears had been foraging in it) in a distracted manner, occasionally stuffing handfuls of Triscuits or whatever was laying around on the counter into my mouth. This state is known around here as *show prep*.

Lucky for us, we make a point of checking in with each other every evening, and say "I love you" and "Have a good day" etc to each other every morning, and do little considerate things on a daily basis so we don't feel the need to really bust out the big guns on such occasions like anniversaries. We just noted it, and gave each other an extra hug and kiss, and I went back to scurrying distractedly around.

But I just want to share a couple little things here, that will probably make Dan get all eye-rolly and embarrassed when he sees this, but they really moved me and I want people to know how awesome he is.

First thing is a small conversation we had a couple weeks ago. It started with me making a joke about "dress-up day" referring to something we'd seen on t.v.-- little boys being turds and tugging girls skirts up. The kids at a school I went to where we all had uniforms was especially infested with these troublesome boys. We girls would automatically pull on our gym shorts under our jumpers upon arrival to thwart any "undie sightings".

Dan just looked at me quizzically as I related this bit of info like it was one of the weirdest things he'd ever heard. I said, "You probably never did anything like that did you?" He looked almost insulted and said, "No," like-- "who the hell would?"

He at times gets this look where it's like earnestness is beaming out of his eyes.

I sat back and kind of took a good look at him. I said, "You've probably never been mean to a girl in your whole life have you? Never tugged a pigtail, or lied to one to get your way with her or any of that have you?" He goes, "Nope." And I totally believe him.

I said, "I wonder if I'd have met you, way back when we were little kids, and we'd grown-up together and gone to the little jr. high dances together and all that, been high school sweethearts, if you'd have kept me out of trouble, or if we'd have gotten into a bunch more together." He said, "I'd have kept you OUT of trouble-- or tried to at least."

He's probably right. It was one of those, "Man, I love this guy" moments.

Yesterday I felt kind of like crap, and had a long day ahead of me, being on duty at the show. He packed a "go bag" for me, and included a pack of tissues. He started the car for me, and left a couple oranges on the front seat for me. That's the kind of stuff that counts for WAY more than roses etc in my book. Little gestures that say-- "I get it. I care about you. I'm willing to take care of you a bit. I'll keep you out of trouble from here on out."

"If you like it then you should'a put a bird on it"

2011-04-01T08:15:00.002-05:00

Hey people. "Whu-oh-oh..." It's load-in day. I have a BUNCH of stuff to finish, am super tired, and my hands are killing, but here's what I've been up to.

I invented a new necklace, but need help coming up with a cooler name than "5-way necklace", so--- get thinking. I've seen similar things, but mine is unique because of the placement of the beads, and the central pendant was a bit of a trick to make too. Also the feathery "tails" aren't constantly slipping all over because they're held securely behind your neck by one of the beads. One necklace, that's a totally new design, that can be worn 5 ways!

When the feathers are in back they can be worn long or tied up higher in a bow.

One of the coolest things about this, that doesn't translate in the pics is there is a lot of movement as the feathers trail your movements that looks really cool. I like it. It was pretty labor-intensive so this one will be $45, but I'm hoping people see the value.

And of course I have the bunches of bracelets I've made.

I also will have a bit of metalwork, only a bit though. The one design I was happy with (It's very unusual for me to swing and miss on several designs as I did with this show, but the law of averages was bound to catch up sooner or later. Also I've been hampered by the extended winter weather.)

Here are the birds, which began as sketches, and are each hand drawn and cut-- for the branches below.

They'll look really nice massed how I plan on displaying them, and are each unique, and I'm happy with them even if it is only one design. It's more important to me to have something I can hold my head up over than numerous sub-par pieces.

Sheesh this is long. Here are some of the feather earrings you'll be seeing on everyone pretty soon. Mine, I can confidently say, are WAY cooler than any I've seen around the web so far. They look super cool floating around in your hair as you move. Pretty.

And I also have feather hair clips that can be worn numerous ways.

All this feather work is a bit of a test marketing thing for me. They haven't been simple to work with because each feather has to be hand-trimmed, and clamping them together in the findings is a bit tricky too. They want to twist around on you. But I love the colors, which these pics really don't do justice.

Anyway, today I have some bike gear bracelets to finish up, feather barrettes to make if I have time (doubtful), and a bunch of pre-show prep stuff to finish up, signing etc. If you are bored tomorrow, come say hi. I'll be wearing the ridiculous ruffle boots so will be looking pretty fancy for me. :)

One week!

2011-03-25T09:55:00.000-05:00

Hey people. So my first show of the year is next Sat, April 2nd, at Burroughs School in S. Mpls., from 10 to 5:00. Come say hi if you don't have anything else to do. :)

I've been making a ton of wrap bracelets that I think look pretty cool, and I thought you'd like to see the process. First there is the whole steel coloration process that involves lots of layers of color and rust. Once I have a piece looking how I want, I cut it up into small pieces.

They are rough and have burnt steel encrusted to the edges. This has to be dislodged by pounding around the perimeter of each piece with my slag hammer. The piece in the lower right is "after."

Once that's done, and little extra stubborn blobs have been removed with a side cutters, I sand all the edges, and round the corners a bit.

Then they are ready to be drilled. I have a drill press, which is a drilling machine you pull a lever on to lower the drill bit into your work. I had to make a special jig to hold the small pieces in place while they are drilled.

Once they have holes in them, the back sides of the holes have jagged steel poking out. This needs to be trimmed off with a side cutters, then the rough edges get pounded over.

When I do this I feel all over the entire piece with my fingers, checking one last time for anything sharp or pointy.

Once I'm satisfied the pieces look good and are finished properly, it's time for them to weather a bit more in my state of the art winter rusting facility (currently my bathroom), where I repeatedly mist them with water.

When I'm satisfied with how they look, they're ready to be made into bracelets. Here's the design I'll have at the show. What do you think? There is another design, very similar, but using thinner cord, and colored beads. The two will compliment each other very well. I'm waiting for the cord to arrive.

Here are some of the feather hair pieces I've been working on. These aren't done, and I have some extremely cool earrings underway too, but am waiting to my feathers to arrive. I ordered some really beautiful ones from a milliners supply house. The combinations will be gorgeous I think. I'm really excited about them.

It's hard with things coming in at the last minute. I'll be working days and nights next week to get everything ready and done. I'm making really cool cut-out branches, all different, that mount to the wall, but they aren't ready to be shown yet. I'm still about two steps away from having them finished.

Meanwhile--- we got 8" of snow the other day. So much for setting things outside to get rusty.

Or finding my stock for that matter. Somewhere under this is some pretty cool stuff that might give me other ideas, but not for this show.

Spring is only weeks away though. I'm really psyched about everything coming up. After this show is over I have a commission to start that will be really fun-- A big twisty tree. I'm going to use a new technique on this one, layering cut-out pieces and bending by hand. Should be way cool!

Also there is *new idea*, the big horse i want to get going, a big fall show to prepare for with a really cool painter, ~ladies night~ at the mountain bike trail (an event I'm organizing), a trip to visit sis and the kids, and BIKING with mah tribe. Very excited today and in a great mood! Hope you guys all have a great weekend, and that I see a few of you next Sat. :)